So, Enzo Amore.
This past weekend, Enzo Amore aka Real1 aka nZo aka (Bada Boom) Realest Guy in The Room released his coldly-anticipated rap album "Rosemary's Baby Pt. 1: Happy Birthday." For some reason, I listened to it. All of it. Every single second. Every single line. And now I owe my therapist for an extra session.
The album checks in at 13 tracks and runs about 43 minutes. You can listen to this album or watch one hour of Raw commercial free. The latter is the better choice.
01. Intro King
02. Brass Ring
03. Instant Gratification
04. Liv a 30 For 30
05. Live a Little, Laugh a Lot
06. Dream Girl
08. Top Notch
09. Copy & Paste
12. Elon Musk
13. Realest Outro
Noticeably absent -- maybe you noticed. If you didn't, you're not paying much attention and I envy you -- from the track list is the song "Phoenix", a diss track aimed at Fightful's Sean Ross Sapp and released after police dropped their sexual assault investigation against Enzo due to "insufficient evidence." If you want to listen to the track, click the video above. Don't click the video above.
Based on "Phoenix" I had no expectations when I decided to listen to and review this album. "Phoenix" was a mess of a track that not even good production could save. The only words you can understand is "consensual penis" because if Enzo wanted to make one thing clear in the song, it's that his penis did nothing wrong.
And if he wants to make one thing clear on this album, it's that he's not a bad guy. He's just misunderstood. It's about as cliche as it gets. Truthfully, the album is a 43-minute paint by numbers mumble rap humble brag. Enzo's style, if you want to call it that, is homeless Lil Wayne mixed with Timmy from South Park.
The album begins with "Intro King" a rambling mess of a track that tells you exactly what you're about to get yourself into. The track screams, "Turn around. Go back. Do not enter." But like every idiot in a horror movie, you decide to enter. And you only have yourself to blame when your ears are bleeding.
"Brass Ring" alludes to Vince McMahon's comments on the Stone Cold Podcast back in 2014 about wrestlers needing to grab the brass ring. Enzo uses this track to talk about his brass balls and jerking off with gasoline and kerosine. "Lyrical myrical" lyrics aside, I'm not totally mad at this track. Enzo is at his best when he's being brash. It's what made him such a good promo in WWE and why he ended up with the opportunities he did in the company. This is Enzo at his brashest. Grading on a major curve, it's the best track on the album.
"Liv a 30 For 30" is the headline grabbing track aimed at ex-girlfriend Liv Morgan and sees Enzo at his worst. Well, almost worst. First, the whole concept of the track is misguided. The track is two percent apology, 98 percent guilt trip that truly highlights how much Enzo is feeling himself for all the wrong reasons.
"30 For 30" is an ESPN documentary series on stories that people want to hear about told by people you want to hear from. Enzo called this track his "30 For 30" and compares himself to Ric Flair. Except no one wanted this "30 For 30," it's one side of a rather short story, and we all recognize that Ric Flair was not a good person for cheating on multiple wives and sleeping around so much, right? Enzo doesn't even admit to sleeping around, instead accusing Liv of being the one who was hooking up with others in the locker room and calling her "too immature" to be with him. Think about that. Too immature to be with Enzo Friggin' Amore. The man did say he has brass balls.
"Liv a 30 For 30" is a tool Enzo uses to gain sympathy in his relationship with Morgan. It's like when two of your good friends break up and you eventually have to pick a side. One doesn't really say anything and just tries to move on. The other tries to manipulate you into taking their side with hashtag rapping. Pretty easy side to pick.
The track looks even worse if you skip to "Real1"where Enzo raps about love being his religion and how people need to love everyone. I'm convinced that Enzo drew subjects out of a hat, did a track about it, put it all together and called it an album. There's no structure to the album, just songs about the same topics you've heard about for years, done by a former pro wrestler who listened to "Tha Carter III" too many times.
- Track named after a celebrity for no reason: check
- Track about love even though there's plenty of hate on the album: check
- Track about previous relationship: check
- Track about your swag: check
- Track bragging about all the sex you have: check
- Track about partying late: check
- Track about all the money you have: check
- Track explaining your flaws, but you're trying to be better: check
- Track about fighting for everything you got and how you're the underdog: check
- Diary track: check
The real capper on this album is "Top Notch" where Enzo brags about getting "top notch crotch" since the eighth grade and how hitting a teacher led to him losing his virginity with some girl named Alicia. I don't know if he truly lost his virginity to a girl named Alicia or if he used the name Alicia because it rhymes with "teacher, reach her, bleacher, peaced her, feature, creature, leisure, either, seizure." Not that he actually used all of those rhymes. Instead, he rhymed Alicia with Alicia and tissue with issue. Because, you know, no rap album is complete without a girl with dad issues.
Enzo Amore's album is what we thought John Cena's album was going to be, except it's done by Enzo Amore. Cena's album succeeded because he took it serious, is a perfectionist, and has always been the hardest working guy in the room. Enzo Amore is....Enzo Amore. And he shows just how much of a fame-seeking cliche he is on this album.
Can't wait for Part 2.