That Baby Giraffe Is Now Named 'Tajiri,' But Not For The Reason You're Hoping

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Hey who remembers back to like three weeks ago?

Like right after WrestleMania. Back when we were all excited about the possibilities of the Superstar Shakeup and were blissfully ignorant of Houses made Horrible and Roman made to look strong even while coughing up his own liver. (That last part was a joke. Gotta live the gimmick, Roman fans.)

We were all so young and innocent then, and we cared about a pregnant giraffe in upstate New York for some reason.

Yes, April the Giraffe of Animal Adventure in Binghamton was in labor with her new calf for like a month or something.

People made jokes about it.

The calf was born 10 days after that joke was made.

And we immediately forgot all about it and moved on with our lives.

Well, now the calf finally has a new name.

Wait, what?

How does a newborn giraffe come to have the name 'Tajiri?'

Apparently there was an online vote between these options.

  • Apollo
  • Geoffrey
  • Gio
  • Harpur
  • Noah
  • Ollie
  • Patch
  • Patches
  • Unity

and the winner: "Alyssa's Choice." 

And Alyssa chose 'Tajiri.'

And if you're wondering "Who's Alyssa?" so was I. Because the news article I was reading failed to mention that.

So I was left to assume that whoever "Alyssa" was, she was obviously a huge fan of WWE in like 2002 and had recently heard that Tajiri had retired back to Japan after the WWE wouldn't clear him. So as one Tajiri was put out to pasture, another one would take his place.

Sunrise, sunset.

But then I did my due diligence as a "journalist" and I watched the Facebook video that you can watch at the bottom of this page.

And I found out Boring Fact #1 "Alyssa" is the Zookeeper in charge of the giraffes and Boring Fact #2, "Tajiri" is Swahili for "Hope".

Which is just incorrect.

Everyone knows that Tajiri is actually Japanese for "Buzzsaw."

Anyway, whatever else happens, I hope that Tajiri the Giraffe somehow makes his way to the Broken Hardy compound and he can meet George Washington.

Tajiri could learn so much from our country's first president, not to mention all of the other Reincarnated Historical Luminaries in Matt's Exotic Menagerie.

And I know we all want Tajiri to be the best little giraffe he can be.

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