Welcome to a morning edition of
OFF-TRACK with A-TRAIN
where I take a look at the off-center situations
in professional wrestling
in this episode
GOLDBERG REALLY IS ALL OF OUR DADS
So you may have heard that Goldberg is the new Universal Champion, having defeated Kevin Owens in 22 seconds.
You may also know that Goldberg is the father of a young boy who is tragically allergic to shirts.
#ShirtAllergyAwareness
#ShirtiesArePeopleToo
#ThankGodHe'sNotAllergicToPants
In all seriousness, the gimmick for the current Goldberg run appears to be "Super Dad." Maybe "gimmick" sounds pejorative, but it's not. It's all about taking an aspect of your personality, cranking it up to 11 and ripping the knob off.
And that's what Goldberg has done. He's the ultimate "My dad can beat up your dad" story.
But it seems that Goldberg is living the gimmick outside of the ring as well. As he was heading up the ramp last Sunday after squashing Kevin Owens, he came across a fan using naughty language, and Gold-Dad shut that shizzle down PRONTO.
First of all, vertical video in 2017.
Second of all, HOW MUCH OF A DAD IS THAT?
He just heard fans cursing, stops what he's doing, tells them to "WATCH THEIR LANGUAGE" and calls them "lowlifes." Because "there's kids around."
Like on a scale of 1-10 of Dad-ness, that's like an 11.
NOW ALL HE'S GOT TO DO IS RIP THE KNOB OFF.
Goldberg is not just Shirtless Kid's father.
He is your father.
He is my father.
HE HAS SIRED US ALL WITH THE POWER OF HIS DAD-NESS.
He sucks at Talking Trash on Twitter. Like, he REALLY sucks at it.
He's dangerously sweaty, probably has a heart condition.
He went through a "Just For Men" phase.
He has anger and impulse control issues.
He makes dad jokes, probably, too. I'm honestly surprised he didn't tell the offending fan that his mother was a goof.
Search your heart. You know it to be true.
GOLDBERG IS YOUR FATHER.
