Editor's note: I didn't expect anyone to take me up on the "if anyone cares about this match, write 1,000 words on it and I'll publish it" thing, but here we are.
First of all, I'd like to thank Mr. S. Ross Sapp for giving me this forum to give proper praise for this exciting 8 man tag between Kofi Kingston, Big E, Sheamus, and Cesaro vs Luke Gallows, Karl Anderson, Primo, and Epico. This is perhaps the most exciting and intriguing 8 man tag in Raw history.
On one team we have The New Day being forced to team with the tag team who ended their legendary historic tag team title reign. How could those two teams possibly coexist? I don't know, but I had to watch to find out! Not only did they have to team together, but they had to face the most dominant team in Japanese history, The Club, and the most talented wrestlers (not to mention the most vicious travel agents) Puerto Rico has ever seen. I had to see whether these two all-time-great teams could put aside their differences for one night and take down the two greatest teams in international wrestling history.
When this match was made, I was on the edge of my seat, well, I was in bed, but I was sitting up. I hadn't been pumped for a match this much since the second WrestleMania match between Shawn Michaels and The Undertaker (which you can watch on the WWE Network for the low, low price of $9.99). In that match, it was the streak vs the career of HBK. This 8 man tag had similarly high stakes.
Had a member of The Club or The Shining Stars won the match, there is a good chance they would've been named the new number one contenders for the brand spanking new red and silver WWE Raw Tag Team Championships. That would do wonders for the careers of either Gallows and Anderson or Primo and Epico. Not only would it have been huge for their careers, it would have done wonders for the WWE in Japan or Puerto Rico.
If The Club would've won this eight man tag and went on to win the tag team titles, every single wrestling promotion in Japan would have instantly gone out of business because every single citizen of the island nation of Japan would've been only about WWE. Seeing their favorite USA born superstars win tag team gold would have been too much for the Japanese citizens. They would've realized how much greater American wrestling is than Japanese wrestling. They would've tuned in to WWE programming in droves to see how much biglier American wrestlers are than their Japanese counterparts. Gallows and Anderson would've made Japan great again with their American cultural influence over the Japanese. An Anderson and Gallows win would've made WWE the top wrestling promotion on all 7 continents. (With their black and white gear, they would get the Antarctic penguin ratings.)
Had the Shining Stars, Primo and Epico, won, Puerto Rico would have become one of the world's foremost super powers. While they do not have nuclear weapons, they would have gorgeous white sand beaches, the finest tropical drinks, beautiful women in bikinis, and the real shining stars, the extravagant new silver WWE tag team championships. With the tag team champions from Puerto Rico, not only would people buy time shares at the Shining Star Resort, Hotel, and Casino, but people from all over the world would buy homes in Puerto Rico. Puerto Rico would face an economic boom the likes of which have never been seen before. They would have to buy more islands to accommodate all the new citizens. If the Shining Stars were to get a pin fall or submission victory in this ultra high stakes eight man tag match, it would not only change to course of WWE history, but the entire geopolitical world. The argument about whether United States president-elect Donald Trump is in league with President Vladimir Putin of Russia would be entirely moot because all anyone in the world would care about would be moving to Puerto Rico, The Shining Star of the Planet Earth.
As you can see, had the heels won, we would wake up to a very different world than the one we went to bed in. For better or worse, the world would've never been the same. Fortunately, or unfortunately depending on your point of view, if the faces won the world would not have faced such drastic changes. We would've had a new day, but not necessarily a New Day.
Speaking of New Day, had they gotten the pin fall or submission they would have proven that they are indeed the greatest tag team champions in wrestling history. Not only would they have shown that last night's loss was a fluke, they would've shown that they are such great tag team competitors that they can team with their hated rivals, who beat them for the titles just 24 hours ago mind you, and work with them for the common good.
Instead of those scenarios, we saw the current tag team champions Cesaro and Sheamus, Sheasaro as Sean Ross Sapp calls them, get a submission win over Epico of The Shining Stars. With this victory, Cesaro and Sheamus proved that they are deserving of ending The New Day's legendary title reign. Not only were they deserving to end the reign, they showed the world that they are the greatest tag team currently in WWE.
Watching this 8 man tag was like watching Monday Nitro. It was the single most important night in the history of the wrestling business. Had things fallen differently for Gallows and Anderson or Primo and Epico the entire world would've changed. During that match, the electricity was in the air. The crowd was buzzing more than when The Rock returned. It was that electrifying. We had 8 of the finest athletes from around the world duking it out to see which tandem was superior. In other combat sports we only see one person vs one other person. Tonight we were treated to a 4 on 4 extravaganza. While we didn't get anything that earth-shattering tonight, for those few minutes that the 8 man tag was on Raw tonight, the possibilities were endless.
-Andy Quigley
