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MONDAY NIGHT RAW
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Tonight on RAW:
BROCK LESNAR RETURNS
(and bounces around in the ring for five minutes while Paul Heyman gives a promo)
(hey, it is Raw, after all)
also Triple H might actually appear on TV for the first time since August
(and the first time since football season started)
HERE WE GO
Roman Reigns Starts Off The Show
Roman says he's not gonna complain about losing the US Title last week.
Because he never cared about that title anyway.
Roman says he's gonna beat Kevin Owens at Royal Rumble and move on to be the Main Event of Wrestlemania for the third year in a row.
That really is kind of depressing when you hear it out loud.
Paul Heyman interrupts, comes out and talks his talk, (he uses the phrase "Sword of Damocles" at one point) Roman vaguely threatens him and Kevin Owens' music hits.
He comes out with Jericho. They look so good both carrying titles.
Jericho and Owens spout exposition and say they're going to win various matches.
Seth Rollins music hits. He yaps for a bit.
Braun's music hits, he comes out. He gets in the face of Roman.
BROCK'S MUSIC HITS HE COMES DOWN.
Sami Zayn attacks Strowman and a brawl starts.
Brock clears the ring, then Strowman and he do a Staredown, but Braun gets off the apron.
Roman hits a surprise Superman Punch on Brock then clears Jeri-KO from the ring, turns around into an F-5.
That was fun.
ENZO & BIG CASS vs RUSEV & JINDER MAHAL
This match is botchy in the early going. Very wonky.
Guess Enzo is out of practice.
Enzo getting beat up a lot after the break. Rusev and Jinder switching back and forth.
Eventually Enzo will make the hot tag to Big Cass and Cass will hit someone with a Big Boot.
Told you so. He actually hit both of them with a Big Boot, then Enzo got the pin on Jinder after the Bada-Boom-Shakka-Lakka.
WINNERS: Enzo & Cass
Jack Gallagher Is Going To Be On Commentary
ARIYA DAIVARI vs LINCE DORADO
Daivari beats on Lince for a bit, then jaws in the direction of Gallagher, and Dorado gets the better of him for a while, but Dorado misses a flying crossbody, then Daivari hits a damn RAINMAKER, followed by a Cobra Clutch.
Lince taps out.
WINNER: Ariya Daivari
They show footage of Nia Jax attacking Sasha this afternoon.
SHEAMUS & CESARO vs GALLOWS & ANDERSON
Raw Tag Title Match
Cesaro & Anderson start this one out, Cesaro reverses a running crossbody into a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker, then hits a double stomp.
Anderson gains the advantage via underhandedness, and Gallows comes in to work the body in the corner. Anderson drops knees on Cesaro's face. Gallows stomps a mudhole in the corner, then tries a back suplex, only to have Cesaro land it on his feet and tag in Sheamus. Sheamus gets a lot of offense in on Gallows, then Anderson is able to scurry away from Cesaro and hit a dropkick to Sheamus's knee, which provides an opening for Gallows to kick Sheamus off the apron.
Sheamus continues to get worked over, then hits a tilt-a-whirl slam and makes a tag to Cesaro, who comes in like a house afire, hitting dropkicks on everybody. then a Swiss-1-9 on Anderson, a flying crossbody to Gallows on the outside, and a springboard corkscrew uppercut on Anderson, followed by a Big Swing and a Sharpshooter, only to be kicked in the noggin by Gallows. Anderson makes a cover, gets a nearfall. Cesaro able to fight back until Anderson hits a Spinebuster. Sheamus breaks up the pinfall, then goes nuts on both Gallows and Anderson. He goes so nuts that the ref grabs him from behind, and Sheamus turns around and clocks the referee. (REF BUMP ALERT) Sheamus gets thrown into the ringpost, then Cesaro takes a Magic Killer. A new ref slides into the ring, and counts the 1-2-3.
Nah, just kidding the original ref comes to and says that Sheamus and Cesaro are disqualified.
So here are your
WINNERS BY DQ: Gallows & Anderson
Yeah, so they're pissed about this, obviously, and they give a Magic Killer to Sheamus after the decision is rendered.
AWKWARD VIDEO PACKAGE ABOUT JIMMY SNUKA
Yeah, so that was awkward.
MAIN EVENT ANNOUNCED:
Seth, Roman & Sami vs Jeri-KO & Braun
So, nothing is going to happen of consequence, then, huh?
SAMI ZAYN GIVING A PEP TALK TO SETH ROLLINS AND ROMAN REIGNS
They made Sami look like he was totally out of his element.
Not sure how I feel about that, honestly.
TONY NESE vs RICH SWANN ...
Never happens because Neville runs in and attacks Swann. Nese tries to get involved, too, and Neville is like, "HE'S MINE" and throws Nese over the top rope, then kicks a kneeling Swann right in the temple.
Neville is at peak NEVILle, and I love it.
NEVILLE INTERVIEWED BACKSTAGE
I was wrong. THIS was peak NEVILle.
At one point, I'm pretty sure he said "I must break you" or something to that effect.
THE NEW DAY IN THE RING TALKING ABOUT SOMETHING
They say if one of them wins the Royal Rumble, ALL of them win the Royal Rumble.
Titus O'Neil's music hits, he comes in and says he doesn't want to join the New Day, he wants to replace them.
He challenges one of them to a match, and if he beats that guy, he gets that guy's spot in the Rumble.
Big E says, Cool, I got this.
TITUS vs BIG E
Titus dominates the match early, even hitting a Dominator (!), but E keeps kicking out.
He adds insult to injury though, doing the Abdominal Stretch Booty Spank thing that is one of E's signature moves, which just pisses E off.
After a couple of clotheslines and a belly to belly and a big splash and a Big Ending, Big E gets the pinfall.
WINNER: Big E
Well, that was pointless.
CHARLOTTE IN-RING PROMO
She says Bayley is the definition of "average." And that's why she connects to the average fan, because she is an average fan.
Charlotte shows old pics of Bayley with John Cena and RVD and Bret Hart, and old handwritten poems by Bayley. Charlotte tries to read one out loud off the Titantron, but she can't make it out.
She shows Bayley reading a high school essay on Breaking Ground, then when Bayley starts to cry in the video, Charlotte fake cries.
She says more mean things, and Bayley's music hits. Bayley runs to the ring, but Charlotte takes a powder and heads up the ramp.
Bayley gets on the mic. She says she's not ashamed of her lifelong passion for WWE, tells a story of going to WWE Live Events with her dad. She says she has a new poem for Charlotte.
"Roses are Red,
Violets Are Blue,
At Royal Rumble,
I will defeat you!"
She has two more poems, but they're not as good as the first one.
Which is a statement in and of itself.
BACKSTAGE SEGMENT WITH BRAUN AND JERI-KO
They tell Braun that he should beat up Roman and Seth.
Braun says he does what he wants, and he's going to make all the opponents scream mercy for their lives.
I love him.
BRIAN KENDRICK vs CEDRIC ALEXANDER
They show the stuff from last week's 205 Live when Cedric broke up with Alicia Fox, which can only mean she's going to cost him the match tonight, right?
Alexander does some athletic stuff, Kendrick counters by being underhanded.
Alexander hits a big springboard clothesline, then goes for the Lumbar Check, but Kendrick rakes the eyes, transfers it into the Captain's Hook.
Alicia Fox comes down, pushes the bottom rope toward Cedric, he grabs it.
Cedric gets out of the ring, argues with Alicia, Kendrick hits him with a wrecking ball dropkick, calls Alicia "Toots," and rolls Cedric back into the ring, where he tries for the Captain's Hook but Cedric reverses it into a Lumbar Check.
WINNER: Cedric Alexander
After the match, Alicia wants to reunite with Cedric, but Cedric walks away.
Nia Jax Backstage Interview Segment
She says that Sasha isn't the Boss anymore.
Seriously, that was kind of it.
Alicia Fox Backstage Interview Segment
She SCREECHES that she doesn't want to talk about it.
It's pretty nuts, yo.
They "Announce" That Kurt Angle Is In The Hall of Fame
They already announced it several hours ago on Twitter, but who's counting.
Cool video package, tho.
KEVIN OWENS & CHRIS JERICHO & BRAUN STROWMAN
ROMAN REIGNS & SETH ROLLINS & SAMI ZAYN
They should invent a nickname for Roman Reigns that rhymes with "Boo."
Then they could say "The Fans Sure Do Love Big Cool," or whatever the hell.
The match doesn't really get started. It's a huge brawl, with guys getting tossed over the top rope until it's just Braun left in the ring.
Oh, good. A fake Rumble moment. We'll have plenty of those for the next two weeks.
Roman plays "face in peril," then Sami.
Jericho goes up top for his double axehandle, but Sami catches him with a punch to the gut. Owens gets tagged in, prevents the hot tag, but goes for the senton and Sami gets the knees up.
Reigns gets the tag in, and does his stuff. But Braun, on the apron, grabs him by the throat and throws him into a KO superkick.
Braun gets tagged in as we go to
KO is in again, so I guess we never get to see Braun this week.
Whoops, I mean, "Big Cool."
Reigns starts his comeback, hits a Samoan Drop on Owens. Jericho and Rollins are tagged in.
Rollins goes Slingblade, running corner forearm, Blockbuster on Jericho.
Owens and Zayn get involved, it's a brew-ha-ha.
Braun goes after Rollins, Zayn attacks, gets clubbed, then Enzuigiri'd then Superman Punched, and he's wobbly, down to one knee.
Jericho flying crossbody to Jeri-KO on the outside, Zayn flying Crossbody to Strowman inside for a two count.
Sami runs in for a Helluva kick, gets met by a clothesline, then a running powerslam.
WINNERS: Braun & Jeri-KO.
Braun continues attacking Sami after the match, carries him up the ramp, gets hit with a chair by Seth, then speared by Roman.
Seth and Roman get the announce table ready, then Jeri-KO show up, beat them down. They're about to Powerbomb Roman through the table, but Rollins gets involved.
KO beats them both down with a chair, powerbombs Roman through the announce table.
Good to see the babyface stand tall at the end of the night.