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MONDAY NIGHT RAW
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WE START THE NIGHT OFF WITH CHRIS JERICHO IN THE RING FOR THE HIGHLIGHT REEL
He introduces his guest, Kevin Owens.
Kevin Owens does 5 minutes of Thansgiving and Black Friday based insult comedy.
He says that since he and Y2J are Canadian, they had Thanksgiving last month ("always ahead of the curve" says Jericho), but he'll play along.
So he lists the things he's thankful for, being Champ, being the face of Raw, having Jericho as a best friend.
Jericho says he's thankful that Owens is his best friend, he's thankful for his nautical themed scarf, and he's thankful for Seth Rollins being a stupid idiot.
Last week it wasn't Jericho wearing a Sin Cara mask, it was Sin Cara wearing a Jericho mask.
"The Mask ... of Jericho. Put it on, maaaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnnnnn."
Owens says that since he powerbombed Rollins on the apron, he's not medically cleared to be here tonight.
Roman Reigns' music hits and the Boos rain down from the fans.
He does some insufferable succotash, doing more of his Smarmy Joe routine.
He says that Kevin Owens is a joke as champion.
Roman says Owens needs Jericho, but Owens says he doesn't need Jericho. Jericho give Owens the side-eye.
Roman says that Owens would never win a match if it wasn't for Jericho, Jericho is about to put Roman on the list, but he takes too long, and Owens snaps at him to shut up.
Jericho is obviously very hurt by this.
Owens says that he'll handle this, and he threatens to power-bomb Roman on the apron, just like he did to his little buddy Seth.
Roman challenges Owens to a fight, tonight, and if he wins, he wants a shot at the Universal Title at Roadblock End of the Line, because that's apparently how we're saying that now.
Owens accepts and he and Jericho leave the ring separately.
NO YOU CAN'T BREAK UP BEFORE I SEE A "CHRISTMAS GIFT OF JERICHO" SEGMENT AND ALSO A "CHRISTMAS LIST OF JERICHO" SEGMENT.
OH NO THEY'RE ACTUALLY BREAKING UP BACKSTAGE THIS IS A TRAGEDY
They're really yelling at each other about not needing each other, this is so sad.
BRAUN STROWMAN vs R-TRUTH
Oh good, this will cheer me up.
Braun squishes Truth in less than 30 seconds, then Goldust attacks Braun, who locks him in a bearhug.
SAMI ZAYN RUNS IN, leaps on Braun's back, Braun tosses him off, Sami gets in a few strikes but Braun catches him like a fly and swats him into the canvas.
He does Finisher #2 to him, then puts him in the tree of woe, and slowly backs away again like last week.
But a phalanx of refs come out to get in his way and Mick Foley comes out to reprimand him.
Commercial break for some reason?
So uh, I guess ...
WINNER OF A THREE MAN GAUNTLET MATCH: Braun Strowman.
Like, he just squashed R-Truth, Goldust and Sami Zayn in less than two minutes total.
GIVE HIM ALL OF THE BELTS.
Back from the break, and Mick Foley is in the ring, telling Byron Saxton that he had to save Sami from himself.
Sami calls bullshit.
Mick tells Sami that he can't beat Braun, and Sami calls Mick a hypocrite.
They're really in each other's faces about it.
So, uh, Mick vs Sami feud?
Also, THIS happened:
CHARLOTTE AND DANA GOING OVER HER HOMECOMING CELEBRATION
Yeah, this is basically what you think it is.
CEDRIC ALEXANDER vs TONY NESE
Goddammit, this should be a great match, and the crowd is probably going to shit all over it.
Drew Gulak, unannounced and unnoticed by any one on commentary is in Nese's corner.
Alicia Fox is watching on TV backstage, way overacting like she's sweet on Cedric Alexander.
The match is very ood until they book Nese to put Cedric in a rest-hold.
Cedric plays his greatest hits, though, and it's fun to watch.
Cedric hits a springboard clothesline onto Gulak, who is standing on the apron gesticulating wildly at his friend to get up.
Nese does, hits a distracted Cedric in the back of the neck, does this WICKED looking pumphandle driver thing and Michael Cole says he picks up the win as the ref's hand counts two.
Guess he got a little ahead of himself.
WINNER: Tony Nese
Backstage interview with Chris Jericho as he's leaving the building.
"If Kevin Owens doesn't need me, I guess I don't need him."
But they also totally tease the "Boy Who Cried Wolf" thing too.
As he's getting into his limo, Seth Rollins attacks him and beats him all over the parking garage, then Pedigrees him on the roof of a car.
YOUR ROADBLOCK END OF THE LINE CO-MAIN EVENT, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.
CHARLOTTE vs SASHA BANKS
Women's Championship Match
Charlotte is actually getting cheered by 35% of the fans.
There are a lot of "Woo's."
Sasha puts Charlotte in the Banks Statement almost immediately, but Charlotte manages to get to the bottom rope.
Dana Brooke is on the apron, gets kicked off by Sasha, then thrown into the steel steps.
Charlotte and Sasha are fighting on the outside now, for like a minute and a half, with Charlotte getting the better of the exchange.
MICK FOLEY COMES OUT.
He says this rivalry can't end on a count-out.
He says there will be another match later tonight, NO DQ, NO COUNT OUT, FALLS COUNT ANYWHERE.
So that should be interesting.
ALSO INTERESTING, THIS:
RUSEV vs ENZO AMORE
Lana's ensemble is like a pinkish-lavender this week, in case you were wondering.
Enzo just basically sexually harasses Lana through insulting Rusev and it is basically unforgivable.
Like, I'm done with Enzo now.
That was verbal sexual assault.
The match starts and Rusev clotheslines Enzo, then picks him up and kicks him in the dick.
WINNER BY DQ: Enzo Amore
Seriously, that display was disgusting and unforgivable.
BACKSTAGE INTERVIEW WITH MARK HENRY ABOUT GETTING BEAT UP IN A MOVIE BY AARON ECKHART
Titus O'Neil interrupts, says he was supposed to get that part, and lays hands on Mark.
Mark shoves him across the room.
Hooray. New feud.
RICH SWANN vs NOAM DAR
Brian Kendrick is on commentary and he SAVAGES Byron Saxton about Byron being a quitter.
Kendrick is really great at playing this character. I really enjoy hating him.
Dar is in control for much of the match, then Swann catches him in the temple with his spinning heel kick.
WINNER: Rich Swann
After the match Swann takes the mic, and talks about how he beat Kendrick twice before, Kendrick is doubting himself, and Swann is going to beat him tomorrow night on ALL CAPS 205LIVE ALL CAPS, because Kendrick "can't handle this" and the crowd could not give less of a shit if they were horribly constipated.
CESARO & SHEAMUS IN A BAR TALKING ABOUT HOW THEY NEVER HAVE TO TEAM TOGETHER AGAIN
Some townie picks a fight with Sheamus, and another townie makes a Village People joke and burps in Cesaro's face.
Everyone in the bar laughs.
Sheamus and Cesaro debate leaving, then WIN A BAR BRAWL BY THEMSELVES.
Cesaro throws the the burping dude through a wall.
Sheamus and Cesaro toast over a pint of Guinness.
ROMAN REIGNS vs KEVIN OWENS
Owens attacks Roman before the bell.
Once the bell rings the fight spills to the outside, and Owens takes control with an Irish Whip reversal into the steel steps.
He rolls Roman back in the ring, hits a running senton, two count.
Back from the break and Reigns hits a series of clotheslines, then Owens gets out of the way of a charge, hits a DDT.
He nails a Cannonball in the corner.
He puts Roman in a resthold chinlock for a while.
"YOU CAN'T SLIP OUT OF THIS EVEN THOUGH YOUR HAIR'S GREASY, BUDDY!"
"GO BACK TO FOOTBALL OR WHATEVER THE HELL YOU WERE DOING!"
Another Senton, and then right back into the chinlock.
Roman starts to fight out of it, Owens tries another senton, Roman gets the knees up.
Reigns gets Owens into the corner, multiple clotheslines, then a big boot.
Trading kneelifts and punches and elbows and forearms and Owens runs into a Samoan Drop, two count.
Roman signals for the Superman Punch, Owens rolls to the outside, Roman follows, hits the Drive By Dropkick.
He rolls Owens into the ring, follows and gets a knee to the gut half way through the ropes, then a superkick.
Owens goes up top, Roman stops him, climbs up with him into Superplex position, Owens shoves him back, tries to catch his breath.
SUPERMAN PUNCH to Owens on the top rope.
Owens falls off, rolls to the outside. Roman hits a Superman Punch off the Steel Steps.
Back inside the ring, Roman charges for the Spear, gets kicked in the teeth, Owens runs the ropes,
WINNER: Roman Reigns
Way to book your champ to look strong, guys.
Interview with Kevin Owens
KO calls Charly Caruso a heartless robot for asking him questions, when it's so obvious that he's so concerned about his still-best-friend Chris Jericho who is in the hospital, which is also why he lost the match to Roman.
TAPED INTERVIEW SEGMENT WITH PAUL HEYMAN
Heyman hasn't shaved.
This is weird.
He is crying already.
He says they took Goldberg too lightly.
He says that Brock's ribs were broken by the first spear.
But he says, Brock is also embarrassed and humiliated, and that hurts more.
This loss is different from any other; it puts Brock in the mindset that he has something to prove.
And that scares Heyman, because who knows what Chip-On-Shoulder Brock is capable of?
Brock's entering the Rumble match, says Heyman.
"And there will be 1 Conqueror, 28 Losers, and 1 Victim, and that victim's name is Bill Goldberg."
THE TAG TEAM TITLE MATCH
Sponsored By Novartis
which is a Swiss pharmaceutical conglomerate
because if you think this is a good idea
you must be high on drugs.
NEW DAY vs GALLOWS & ANDERSON
New Day promos in the ring about beating Demolition's record in like three weeks or whatever I wasn't paying attention.
G & A's music interrupts, and they come down.
It's Big E & Woods for the New Day, so that's a new wrinkle.
Immediately, Gallows WRECKS Kofi and E on the outside and Anderson hits a running sit-out powerbomb on Woods for a two count.
They keep hitting Xavier with big moves and he keeps kicking out, but Gallows is standing tall over him as we go to ...
Back from the break and almost immediately, Woods makes the hot tag to Big E.
He hits a bunch of Bellies-to-Belly to Anderson and clotheslines Gallows over the top rope.
He spears Anderson through the ropes to the outside.
He makes the tag to Woods, puts Anderson up for the Midnight Hour, gets kicked in the mug by Gallows.
Woods gets Spinebustered. Big E gets Gallows Pole'd.
THE CLUB DOES THIS CRAZY DOUBLE MOVE NECKBREAKER OFF THE TOP ROPE.
WOODS KICKS OUT.
I have no idea how he isn't dead.
Later, Anderson goes for the O'Connor roll, grabs the tights, Woods reverses it, grabs the tights,
WINNERS: The New Day
Pretty great match, honestly.
Backstage Sasha and Bayley chat RE: "Who This Is About".
It's not about Bayley.
It's not even about Sasha.
It's about the Women's Championship.
But it's also about Charlotte somehow?
Because she's making it all about her, so that's why it's about her.
Sasha is disgusted that Charlotte told her father that he was dead to her.
So she's going to dedicate her win tonight to Ric Flair.
That's not a bad omen or anything.
Also, Sasha says she doesn't want any help from Bayley.
Wonder if Charlotte would say that about Dana.
CHARLOTTE vs SASHA BANKS
Women's Championship Match
In the first minute, Sasha nearly kills herself with a Suicide Dive again, gets a two count on the outside.
A few moves later, Sasha and Charlotte do the running double-clothesline spot.
Back from the (hopefully final) break, and Charlotte is in control, having slammed Sasha's face into the bottom turnbuckle during the commercial.
She gets Sasha in position for the Figure 8 but Sasha reverses it into a roll-up, then hits the double knees.
They wind up on the apron, chopping the hell out of each other.
Then Charlotte hits a NASTY big boot to Sasha's chest, and her head hit off the apron.
Natural Selection off the Stairs.
Somehow Sasha Banks has a Kendo Stick and SHE GOES TO TOWN on Charlotte.
But Charlotte gets the better of the exchange, hits a neckbreaker on Sasha.
She puts Sasha in the Figure 8, but Sasha gets the Kendo Stick back, hits Charlotte to break the submission.
They battle up the ramp, and Charlotte HITS A MOONSAULT OFF THE ANNOUNCETABLE ON THE STAGE TO THE FLOOR.
Back down the ramp now, with Charlotte chopping Sasha until Sasha redirects her into the barricade.
Speaking of the barricade, Sasha climbs on top it and HITS THE FLYING DOUBLE KNEES ON THE FLOOR.
More Kendo Stick attacks from Sasha, they battle into the stands, Charlotte winds up INSIDE the railing, gets put in the Banks Statement.
She has to tap out.
I mean, wouldn't you?
WINNER AND NEW CHAMP: Sasha Banks
Ric Flair's music hits and he comes out to raise Sasha's hand, and give her a hug.
I love it.