Here are the Results from
MONDAY NIGHT RAW
January 9, 2017
So the episode starts off with Mick Foley's performance review by Stephanie McMahon which is being filmed for some reason.
They address the "rumors" of the Undertaker appearing tonight, which is just stupid. He's appearing.
Seth Rollins comes in, followed almost immediately by Braun Strowman, who wants either Roman Reigns or Goldberg, or both.
Seth punches Strowman, they get into it, it's broken up.
The United States TItle handicap starts off the night.
Except, no it doesn't.
Strowman comes down even before the match starts. Roman gets out of the ring, and attacks him.
Strowman gets the better of it, throws him back in the ring, Jeri-KO take over the beating, and Strowman joins in.
Rollins runs down, wielding a chair, and now it's a damn donnybrook.
Reigns gets a chair, he and Rollins clear the ring.
Stephanie comes out, stops everything.
Roman vs Jeri-KO is going to happen later.
Seth vs Braun is going to happen ...
SETH ROLLINS vs BRAUN STROWMAN
So Seth is trying his best, but Braun is just too strong, too big, too agile.
(Imagine reading that sentence in October of 2015.)
Braun is toying with him, like a kitten with a junebug.
Seth grabs Braun by the beard pulls him down into a jawbreaker, then does the maneuver again pulling him into the top rope.
Seth runs into Braun a bunch, but Braun does this:
Seth winds up on the apron and Braun just runs into him at full speed, knocking him to the floor.
After the break, Seth is coming back.
He actually gets Seth onto his back after a few kicks, but then Braun CATCHES A BLOCKBUSTER.
He puts Rollins on the top rope, Seth headbutts him on to the canvas, nails a very nice frog splash.
Strowman keeps getting kneed in the temple, he's on the outside, Rollins climbs to the top of the ringpost, jumps off, misses, hits the barricade.
Strowman dragging him back to the ring, it's a double count out.
DOUBLE COUNT OUT
Strowman rolls him back in the ring, he retrieves a chair, but as he gets back in the ring, Seth dropkicks the chair into his leg.
Rollins has the chair now, and won't let Strowman into the ring.
Braun backs slowly up the ramp with murder on his mind.
So that ended unsatisfactorily.
Backstage with Bayley & Sasha
They reminisce about Bayley beating Nia Jax last week to become #1 contender.
Charlotte shows up and makes a terrible pop culture reference.
She says Bayley won't beat her, or something.
Nia shows up, attacks Sasha, Bayley tries to retaliate, Charlotte attacks her, throws her into a roadbox.
Nia kicks Sasha in the knee while she's down.
Charlotte looks at Nia Jax, ready to induct her into The New Four Horsewomen (in my fantasy) but instead Nia just shoves her into the wall.
Charlotte is shook.
JACK GALLAGHER vs DREW GULAK
Gulak takes control by body slamming Gallagher into the ropes legs first.
Gallagher comes back, does his usual delightful shtick, hits a headbutt to counter a discus elbow and then the running dropkick.
WINNER: Jack Gallagher
Jack is interviewed after the match, where he says he wants to Parlay with Ariya Daivari on 205 Live.
If Daivari doesn't agree, he'll be forced to engage him in fisticuffs.
I love Jack Gallagher.
Ariya Daivari doesn't love him though.
That dude HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATES Jack Gallagher.
Backstage, HBK is dabbing with TJP.
No one calls him HBShizzle.
Backstage, Foley is looking for the Undertaker.
Stephanie says that Foley has one hour to get Undertaker into the middle of the ring.
His performance review depends on it.
His WHOLE performance review.
With as long as it takes him to make his entrance, if Taker needs to be in the middle of the ring in an hour, he better start walking down the ramp in 40 minutes.
HBK IN-RING SEGMENT
He calls himself HBShizzle.
I stand corrected.
He puts over the Royal Rumble, says he'd rather be in the audience than have to face the likes of Goldberg, Brock and Braun.
Then he starts to plug his terrible new movie.
RUSEV COMES OUT.
my god, poor rusev.
He's got Jinder and Lana with him.
Rusev wants HBK to put Lana in the movie.
The crowd is impatient, starts chanting for Sweet Chin Music.
There is a lot of unfunny banter, except when Rusev talks because he is great.
He calls himself "the Bulgarian George Clooney."
Then ENZO AND CASS COME OUT.
Enzo is still in the wheelchair, but then he gets in the ring anyway.
He says that HBK is the actual realest guy in the room.
They do so much terrible comedy with HBK, listing off movies that Rusev, Jinder and Lana remind them of.
There is an extended "Pianist" joke, just so you get the kind of high brow humor we're dealing with.
Eventually it ends up with Big Cass challenging Rusev to a match one on one, and Rusev saying that Jinder will be in the match instead, because Rusev is a foreigner and foreigners are cowards, get it?
HBK says he's got nowhere to be, so he'll be at ringside, and if you got a problem with that, he's got two words for you.
Just kidding he does the suck it thing.
BIG CASS vs JINDER MAHAL
They are making this more of a match than any of the times Big Cass and Rusev went one on one, just in case you didn't think that Rusev was in the doghouse for some reason.
Mahal cuts corners to take control, stomps on Cass a bunch, then runs into a Big Boot, and takes some Stinger splashes in the corner.
Rusev grabs Big Cass by the leg for sec, just to slow him down, then turns around right into a Sweet Chin Music from HBK.
In case you didn't think Rusev was in the doghouse for some reason.
Cass hits Jinder with the East River Crossing, then the Empire Elbow.
WINNER: Big Cass
I am so done with how they are using Rusev right now.
NEVILLE vs LINCE DORADO
Dorado starts out at a crazy fast pace.
A handspring Stunner, a bunch of dropkicks, and this:
But Nevil is not to be trifled with, and he gets Lince in the GODDAMN RINGS OF SATURN.
After the match, he attacks Lince, puts him in the Rings again, and Rich Swann comes out to make the save.
I love the top of the Cruiserweight Division.
Backstage with Stephanie McMahon
Sasha and Bayley come in. Sasha demands a match with Charlotte and Nia.
Stephanie tells her to take the bass out of her voice.
Bayley asks for the match for next week.
Stephanie talks down to Bayley, says they get the match, TONIGHT.
LUKE GALLOWS vs SHEAMUS
Biding time until the Rumble, are we?
I should mention that both Karl Anderson and Cesaro are at the commentary desk, which makes it a five man announce team.
It looks like the damn Last Supper up there.
Oh yeah, the match.
Gallows takes control before the break, and after the break, Sheamus takes it back.
Sheamus is setting up for the Brogue Kick and sees Anderson start fighting Cesaro,
Gallows hits some move on him (I missed it) and Sheamus kicks out at two.
Cesaro and Anderson are fighting on the stage, Gallows is distracted now, turns around into the Brogue Kick.
Mick Foley is still wandering around in the back looking for Undertaker.
YOU GUYS HIS PERFORMANCE REVIEW DEPENDS ON THIS!
HIS WHOLE PERFORMANCE REVIEW!!!!
Mick Foley is in the middle of the ring.
He is trying to summon the Undertaker.
The lights go out.
Stephanies music hits.
She blames Mick for the Undertaker not being here, and for everything else apparently.
Like EVERYTHING ELSE.
Just as he is about to apologize, the GONG.
Undertaker comes out to the ring.
It takes him 45 minutes.
The crowd is into it, though.
As the "UNDER-TAKER" chants die down, he says "I'm Back."
He says "I will be entering the Royal Rumble."
"I answer to no one, I go where I want, when I want."
"Nobody controls The Undertaker," then he gets right in Steph's face. "NO ONE."
He says he's returned to the city where he suffered his greatest defeat, where the streak ended.
He's dug "29 holes for 29 souls." He will win the Rumble, he says, then be in the main event at Mania.
"And if anyone, and I mean anyone, gets in my way, they will Rest In Peace."
Kevin Owens & Chris Jericho Backstage Interview
They really hate Charly Caruso, but not as much as they hate Roman Reigns.
SASHA BANKS & BAYLEY vs CHARLOTTE & NIA JAX
The match barely starts before they go straight to
Bayley working over Charlotte until she gets caught with a Big Boot.
Nia comes in, dominates briefly, tags Charlotte back in.
Charlotte gets a two count, Nia back in, she body slams Bayley, knocks Sasha off the apron, tags Charlotte back in.
Nia makes a blind tag, Bayley tries a roll-up on Charlotte, but the ref tells her she's not legal.
Nia runs over Bayley, hits the big leg drop.
WINNERS: Charlotte and Nia Jax
Backstage, Noam Dar and Alicia Fox.
He thinks she's there to slap him, she kisses him instead.
"Cedric was right," she says. "You can't handle a real woman."
Whatever THAT was.
THE NEW DAY HAVE AN OFFER FOR TITUS O'NEIL
Their offer is to make fun of him by showing the footage of him falling down in NXT in 2010.
They want him to try running around the ring carrying a keg again, tonight.
He does it, except he pulls a DeSean Jackson and drops the keg before he crosses the finish line.
The ref says it doesn't count.
Did I forget to mention? There is a ref.
Kofi makes fun of Titus, and he takes a swing at Kofi.
Kofi dodges it, gets back in the ring and says let's fight.
So I guess we're doing that now.
KOFI KINGSTON vs TITUS O'NEIL
Titus is wrestling angry. Good for him.
He's in complete control now, beating up Kofi like Ralphie beating up Scott Farkus.
He gets distracted by Xavier playing the trombone on the outside, throws Kofi at Woods and Big E, who catch him.
Titus gets out of the ring, chases Kofi around, back into the ring, where Kofi hits the Trouble In Paradise.
WINNER: Kofi Kingston
ROMAN REIGNS vs KEVIN OWENS & CHRIS JERICHO
Roman attacks Kevin and Chris on the ramp as they're entering and tries to lock Chris in the Shark Cage (which has been on the stage for the entirety of the show, for some reason.)
(Oh, right. For this reason.)
Kevin stops that, gets Chris out of the cage and they double team him down to the ring.
The ref finally starts the match, Kevin and Chris are tagging in and out.
Kevin starts first, then Chris, beating up Roman.
Roman comes back because of course he does, he fights off both men at once because that tagging thing was just a suggestion.
Jericho is able to hit a Lionsault for a two count, then Kevin tries to pop-him up into the codebreaker, but Roman hits a Superman Punch on Jericho instead and then one on Owens.
He hits a spear on Jericho, Owens is able to break up the pinfall.
Reigns hits the driveby on Owens, then a superman punch to Jericho, Owens grabs Roman's leg as he's halfway through the ropes, Roman gets Codebreakered. Then Powerbombed onto the apron.
Roman rolled back into the ring, Jericho hits the Codebreaker.
WINNER: Chris Jericho
NEW UNITED STATES CHAMPION!
I am happy with this outcome.
Not as happy as Kevin and Chris are, though.
They are the greatest.
Or actually, maybe Rusev is the greatest.