Outside Of The Ring Reviews: Santa's Slay, Starring Goldberg

Welcome to the first ever

Outside Of The Ring Review

Where I'll take a look at some of the best acting "talents" the WWE has to offer, and the movies they star in.

The first is a Christmas slasher movie flashback, from 2005, starring WCW-Great and WWE-Pretty-Good Bill Goldberg.

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First things first, some of the GIFs from this movie will be

NSFW

or in this case

NSFC

--Not Safe for Christmas.

Just putting that out there right off the bat...

Proceed at your own risk.

And now, here we go.

I apologize.

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SANTA'S SLAY

Get it?
It's a joke.
Because Santa rides around in a "sleigh,"
and "sleigh" is a homonym for "slay,"
(homonym means "they sound the same")
and to "slay" means to kill,
and that's what this evil Santa does,
he kills people.
Get it?
It's a joke.

What is the opposite of A Christmas Miracle?

Whatever it is, this is that.

This movie stunk like a pile of reindeer turds.

Here is the opening scene.

If you've come this far, you might as well watch it.

You might have noticed people you recognize in that scene, before (SPOILER ALERT) they all get murdered.

There's James Caan, who played Sonny in "The Godfather"


Pictured: James Caan, in his greatest role.

Hell, just one year before this came out, Caan played Will Ferrell's dad in "Elf," which is f*cking CITIZEN KANE compared to this movie. Whatever crazy incriminating blackmail the producers of this excrement had on poor Jimmy Caan to make him do this uncredited cameo, I guess we'll never know.

Then there's Fran Drescher, TV's The Nanny, complete with her trademark annoying laugh.

Then there's Rebecca Gayheart, who first garnered fame by being "The Noxzema Girl" in the mid 90s, teaching young women to hate their skin because no matter how much of this shit they rubbed on it, it would never be a gleamingly perfect as the girl's who taunted them from these ads.

And finally, Chris Kattan, who was still playing a Monkey Man on Saturday Night Live at the time.


Pictured: Chris Kattan, in his greatest role.

So yeah, Goldie Claus comes down the chimney, kills all of these obnoxious people, including their dog, because they are on the "naughty list."

Get it?

Yeah, subtlety ain't exactly this film's strong suit.

One of the people he kills, one of the daughters, while saying grace, she thanks God for not making them poor, or Samoan.

SAMOAN.

That's gotta be a direct shot at The Rock, right? Goldberg had them put that line in, right? We can all agree on that, yes?

Cool, moving on.

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