Welcome to the first ever
Outside Of The Ring Review
Where I'll take a look at some of the best acting "talents" the WWE has to offer, and the movies they star in.
The first is a Christmas slasher movie flashback, from 2005, starring WCW-Great and WWE-Pretty-Good Bill Goldberg.
First things first, some of the GIFs from this movie will be
or in this case
--Not Safe for Christmas.
Just putting that out there right off the bat...
Proceed at your own risk.
And now, here we go.
It's a joke.
Because Santa rides around in a "sleigh,"
and "sleigh" is a homonym for "slay,"
(homonym means "they sound the same")
and to "slay" means to kill,
and that's what this evil Santa does,
he kills people.
It's a joke.
What is the opposite of A Christmas Miracle?
Whatever it is, this is that.
This movie stunk like a pile of reindeer turds.
Here is the opening scene.
If you've come this far, you might as well watch it.
You might have noticed people you recognize in that scene, before (SPOILER ALERT) they all get murdered.
There's James Caan, who played Sonny in "The Godfather"
Pictured: James Caan, in his greatest role.
Hell, just one year before this came out, Caan played Will Ferrell's dad in "Elf," which is f*cking CITIZEN KANE compared to this movie. Whatever crazy incriminating blackmail the producers of this excrement had on poor Jimmy Caan to make him do this uncredited cameo, I guess we'll never know.
Then there's Fran Drescher, TV's The Nanny, complete with her trademark annoying laugh.
Then there's Rebecca Gayheart, who first garnered fame by being "The Noxzema Girl" in the mid 90s, teaching young women to hate their skin because no matter how much of this shit they rubbed on it, it would never be a gleamingly perfect as the girl's who taunted them from these ads.
And finally, Chris Kattan, who was still playing a Monkey Man on Saturday Night Live at the time.
Pictured: Chris Kattan, in his greatest role.
So yeah, Goldie Claus comes down the chimney, kills all of these obnoxious people, including their dog, because they are on the "naughty list."
Yeah, subtlety ain't exactly this film's strong suit.
One of the people he kills, one of the daughters, while saying grace, she thanks God for not making them poor, or Samoan.
That's gotta be a direct shot at The Rock, right? Goldberg had them put that line in, right? We can all agree on that, yes?
Cool, moving on.
We are introduced to Nicholas (as in Saint Nicholas? Who knows? The movie never addresses this little bit of serendipity), a 16 year old kid who has a part-time job working at Jewish deli in his small town.
Did I mention that the town is called Hell?
Because that is something the filmmakers decided was super funny and should be mentioned a lot, by all of the characters.
Anyway, he works for Mr. Green, a very nice man played by Saul Rubinek from True Romance, and his co-worker Mary, who has a thing for Nicholas for some reason, is played by Emilie DeRavin, who played Claire in "Lost."
Mr. Green is a very kind man, so there's no way he's on the naughty list. The movie doesn't care about its own logic though, because he's as good as dead already.
Before we get to that, though. Goldberg's got a lot of killing to do.
Yes, that old lady that he runs off the road does in fact tell him to "Suck it" right before she is murdered in her car, which can only be a direct shot at Triple H and Shawn Michaels, yes?
Good, I'm glad we're all in agreement.
Also, you might have noticed that this Santa doesn't have a team of reindeer, but instead a single white BISON.
This discrepancy is never addressed and at one point it's heavily implied that the bison eats a dude.
Your guess is as good as mine.
For real this time.
That guy got killed with a pointy candy cane to the eye.
That's a thing that happened. But he's a mugger or whatever, so he's definitely on the naughty list.
Santa visits the strip club, and kills the doorman.
Then he starts a bar brawl, and uses the stripper pole as a weapon.
This could be considered self defense, since the bartender is wielding a pickaxe, because its apparently that kind of strip club.
And finally, he kills a random bar patron.
Points for originality there, Santa.
I should mention that it is during this scene that Bill Goldberg meets his future wife.
AND I AM NOT KIDDING.
Yes, that is actually his future wife, the future mother of his inexplicably shirtless son.
And of course, showing off for his wife and his son is the only reason he ever got back in the ring to begin with.
Which is how he wound up destroying the legacy of Brock Lesnar.
Without "Santa's Slay" there would be no Goldberg/Lesnar rematch.
No 86 second squash.
WE HAVE THIS MOVIE TO THANK FOR ALL OF IT.
THANKS A LOT, MOVIE.
Anyway, back to the movie whose fault it all is, before Goldie Claus leaves the strip club, he decides to set it on fire with all of the strippers still inside.
INCLUDING HIS FUTURE WIFE.
Seems excessive, Bill. Those are mostly just single moms trying to make ends meet.
A death sentence might be pushing it.
So while all this is happening, Nicholas, who does not seem to have parents of any kind and who lives with his crazy grandfather, is finding out, from said crazy grandfather, that his idea of who Santa Claus is, is all wrong.
He finds this out VIA CLAYMATION.
I don't even know where to go from here.
That shit right there is so ridiculous off the wall, I don't even know.
SANTA IS THE SON OF SATAN AND HE WAS ONLY DELIVERING TOYS TO KIDS BECAUSE HE LOST A BET TO AN ANGEL.
A CURLING BET.
I mean, Goddamn. Where do you even go from here.
Oh, right I know. To Goldberg killing a kindly Jewish shopkeeper with a Spear.
I guess, technically, he kills him with a Menorah, but who's counting?
Oh, hey, I should also mention that this is happening on Christmas morning, and apparently, scenes like THIS are happening in living rooms all over town:
I agree with Grandma.
Now we come to what could have been the turning point of the whole movie.
Nicholas stops in on his way to... where exactly? The deli has already been established as being closed for the holiday, so he's not going to work, or school, or the video arcade. Wherever he's going, he stops into a local gas station convenience mart, and who should be manning the counter?
Yeah. THAT Zeus.
He even has a line about why he moved way out to the country:
"Too much damn violence in the 'hood."
So our hero Nicholas immediately recruits Zeus to his cause, tells him all about how Santa is really the son of the devil, and Zeus and Santa have like a rooftop fistfight, and just when it seems like Zeus has the upper hand, he gets blindsided by a charging evil white bison and knocked off the roof to his death. Nicholas must then draw on the inner strength that Zeus showed him was within him all along.
Nah, just kidding this is Zeus's only appearance in the film.
Seriously, he sells Nicholas a pack of gum, and that's it.
His total non-factor in the film's plot is somehow the biggest disappointment in a movie filled with them.
The last half of this of hour-and-ten-minute movie is just Nicholas and Mary running from Santa, whose powers disappear at midnight on Christmas, because all demons obey the Cinderella rule and turn into a pumpkin when the clock strikes twelve, didn't you know that?
Anyway I won't ruin the rest of the movie for those of you who get off on being tortured and would like to watch it for yourselves.
If you are a masochist, please, by all means. indulge your sick and twisted desires. The movie is available to watch for free on YouTube, and I have linked to it HERE.
Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night.