Welcome to the Overcooked Raw Refresher
Featuring a preview of tonight's Hell in a Cell PPV
Did you ever see the movie Event Horizon?
If not, shame on you.
It's only the very best deep-space-horror-movie-where-the-starship-is-actually-a-portal-to-hell of 1996. And it stars Laurence Fishburne.
Anyway, there's a point where they realize that the former captain who tore his own eyes out in a fit of space madness is not just babbling incoherently on that videotape, he's saying "Liberate Tutemet Ex Infernis."
Which means "SAVE YOURSELF FROM HELL" in Latin.
God this movie is so wonderawful.
If you haven't seen it, you must. It's your homework for the week.
Anyway, watching Raw last Monday night, I kept repeating that phrase to myself over and over.
Liberate Tutemet Ex Infernis.
Save yourself from hell.
I have to watch this horrible, horrible dreck.
It's my job.
You do not have to watch.
You can be spared.
You can still lead a full and happy life.
You can make it out with your sanity intact.
IT'S TOO LATE FOR ME.
LIBERATE TUTEMET EX INFERNIS.
SAVE YOURSELF FROM HELL.
Let's get on with it.
And now, fifteen minutes about the Champion's Comedy Sidekick's Comedy Prop.
I love Chris Jericho.
I really like "The List" as a gimmick.
But it can't be more important than the Universal Championship. It just can't.
And fully an HOUR of this 3 hour episode revolved around The List: Announcing it being missing, looking for it, the ramifications of it not being found, finding it, and the big Triple Threat Main Event after having found it.
The search was kind of fun, I guess, with Jericho running into the cast of Superstars in the locker room and saying funny Jericho things, and then with a cameo by list-withholding Braun Strowman growling "Say Please."
But there's two separate backstage segments starring Stephanie McMahon and that's just two too many.
Hey did you hear that the WWE gave her a 3-year contract extension because apparently that's a thing they have to do?
So hooray for all of us! Three more years of emasculation!
And she's a dog lover, too, so you know she's a good person.
Except, nope. Look at this dog's face.
"She emasculated me, too."
And after all of this, after Jericho told Stephanie that unless he got the list back, he WOULD NEVER WRESTLE ANOTHER MATCH AGAIN EVER, to which Steph responded by threatening to suspend Jericho if he didn't wrestle that night, after finding the list being passively perused by a Giant Frankenstein Lumberjack, Jericho doesn't even bring it out with him to this meaningless Triple Threat Main Event.
How do I know it's meaningless? Because the YouTube video of it skips over the whole thing and goes right to the end where Seth Rollins pins the Champ and his BFF at the same time, basically winning a handicap match. And he does it in the wackiest way possible.
Look at their little legs kicking.
Of course, after the match, the beatdown commences, and we finally, after two months, we finally get to see the vicious heel champ Kevin Owens that we loved to hate in NXT.
THIS IS WHAT I'VE BEEN MISSING.
Kevin Owens has the potential to be the greatest heel of his generation.
But that's not gonna happen if you have him run from a one on one fight or be the straight man in a comedy trio also featuring a zany scarf-enthusiast and a damn CLIPBOARD.
HELL IN A CELL PREVIEW:
This is one of your 3 Main Events for the Evening, and has the potential to be very good indeed. Their match last month wasn't all that great, and I am hoping that we finally get that Tyler Black vs Kevin Steen match I've been waiting for all this time.
Chances Jericho gets involved: 100%
Chances HHH gets involved: 10%
Chances Rollins does something ill-advised,
hurts either himself or Owens,
and we hear from Bret Hart on Monday: 50/50
Projected Winner: KO
- From The Web