Welcome to the Live Coverage for
MONDAY NIGHT RAW
Drop down into the comments and join our Live Viewing Party!
Don't forget to check out my Overcooked Raw Refresher,
featuring a preview of tonight's event,
with a list of who I hope Braun murders tonight.
Also, I wrote a review of "Santa's Slay,"
a Christmas Slasher Movie starring Goldberg.
Also also, I did an in-depth special report
and Connected The Dots,
revealing Ric Flair's Secret "Misfit" Identity.
Also also also, if you haven't watched it yet,
in Anna Bauert's most recent Most Ridiculous,
I have a blink-and-you'll-miss-it cameo.
HERE WE GO
Stephanie McMahon starts off the show.
To immediate CM Punk chants, but she shuts that shit down WITH THE QUICKNESS.
“If you could go ahead and keep that up for two minutes and 15 seconds,” she started, “you would last one second longer than Punk did.”
Burn unit alerted.
Seth Rollins comes out and talks shit about Triple H.
Roman Reigns comes out and says he wants to kick Braun Strowman's ass.
Seth says how bout I get in on that?
Steph teases that she might bring out Dean Ambrose to reunite the SHIELD for one night only.
Of course, then she says "it ain't gonna happen," because she's still Stephanie McMahon.
She gives Seth Rollins a match against Braun Strowman.
And she says Roman will have to defend the US Title (for a change) against an opponent of her choosing.
But for now, it's ...
Sheamus & Cesaro vs New Day
Tag Team Title Match
NOTE: It's Woods & Kofi for the New Day here, which is an odd choice.
They're getting one more wear out of their Christmas Themed Gear, so that's nice.
Kofi and Woods get the better of Cesaro for a while, running a Unicorn Stampede on him, then Woods gets caught with a Cesaro uppercut and Sheamus pulls him over the top rope by his hair.
That wouldn't have happened with Big E.
After the break, Woods continues to take the heat, even getting a backbreaker/diving knee combo.
He hits a tornado DDT on Cesaro through the ropes to the floor, then makes the tag to Kofi, who hits a tope on Cesaro and an SOS to Sheamus.
Woods is tagged in and hits a springboard elbow drop on Sheamus.
Cesaro Gorilla Presses Kofi onto Big E, then Woods gets Brogue Kicked by Sheamus..
I should probably mention that this is the worst match these two teams have ever wrestled against each other.
Lots of botchy stuff here.
Kevin Owens and Chris Jericho Talk To Braun Strowman.
They rile him up with things that Seth Rollins is supposed to have said.
(He didn't say those things, btw.)
It's very funny.
Bayley Gives Goldust A Present.
It's a Bayley Bear wearing a Polka Dot black and yellow singlet.
She says she wouldn't be where she is today without Dusty Rhodes.
It's a very touching scene. Bayley leaves.
Gallows & Anderson show up, call Golden Truth nerds and Anderson snatches the teddy bear and tears off its head.
So, who's interested in a meaningless tag match later?
NIA JAX vs SCARLETT
Scarlett is a jobber.
She gets a jobber pre-match interview.
She says that Sasha Banks is the reason she wanted to become a wrestler.
Nia Jax destroys her in one minute.
WINNER: Nia Jax
After the match, Nia gets a mic and says "Next time, choose a better role model."
She then hits a big leg drop.
Excited for this Nia Jax/Sasha feud.
Kevin Owens and Chris Jericho Talking To Stephanie McMahon
There a lot of "acrophobia/arachnophobia" jokes.
I know. I thought they had gotten it all out of their system last week, too.
They ask her who Roman Reigns will face tonight, she says Kevin Owens.
Chris Jericho smiles through gritted teeth. He wanted Roman tonight.
Bayley in the ring.
Charlotte interrupts and says that Bayley didn't beat her last week.
Charlotte had her shoulder up before the three count.
So she had her lawyers talk to WWE and got the victory expunged.
Charlotte says she takes pity on the child-like Bayley and her dreams of being Women's champ.
So she'll give her another shot at beating her.
Except, as part of the lawsuit settlement (I guess?), Charlotte got to pick the ref.
It's Dana Brooke.
This should be fair.
CHARLOTTE vs BAYLEY
Early in the match, Bayley delivers a Bayley to Belly suplex to Dana Brooke.
There are no consequences.
Another ref comes down and calls it straight.
Three minutes later, a Bayley to Belly on Charlotte, and as the new ref is about to count the three, Dana pulls the ref out of the ring.
Bayley attacks Dana, Charlotte rolls her up, feet on the ropes, quick count.
Backstage with Stephanie McMahon and Braun Strowman
Braun wants Sami Zayn AND Seth Rollins.
Steph says Sami has disappeared, but she can guarantee he'll be at Raw next week, and Braun will have a match with him.
Braun wants it to be a Last Man Standing match.
Steph says that's cool.
But she wants him to take all of his Sami Zayn rage out on Seth Rollins tonight.
NEVILLE vs TJ PERKINS
During "the shine" portion of the match, TJP gets a lot of good offense and puts Neville in the tree of woe.
When attempting a basement dropkick, Neville just sits up, and TJP slides to the outside.
Neville hits an Enzuigiri to Perkins on the apron, and takes control.
TJP mounts a comeback, including his springboard wreckingball dropkick and his detonation kick.
But Neville gets the victory with a roll-up and a fistful of tights.
Post-match, Neville gives a great heel promo about American fans and their fickle allegiances.
He's got a match against Rich Swann tomorrow night on 205 Live.
Should be fun.
And now, the opposite of fun.
Big Cass & Enzo Address The WWE Universe
Enzo is in a wheelchair.
He cuts a promo for like five minutes, but all I hear is "blah blah blah" in a New Jersey accent.
Then Big Cass calls out Rusev for a one on one match.
Rusev comes out with Jinder Mahal.
The match never gets started.
Rusev is made to look like a chump yet again.
Jinder loses a fight to a dude in a wheelchair, then gets put in the wheelchair and Big Cass throws Enzo at Jinder in the wheelchair.
Ugh, I hate this storyline.
DARREN YOUNG & BO DALLAS vs SHINING STARS
What is life?
OH NO WAIT, LIFE IS BRAUN STROWMAN.
He drags a christmas tree to the ring, then hits Bo Dallas with it.
He crushes Darren Young, no-sells a chairshot to the back by Epico, chucks Darren Young into Bob Backlund, shotputs the steel steps into Bo & the Stars.
I love Braun Strowman.
He is my favorite wrestler of all time.
BRAUN STROWMAN vs SETH ROLLINS
Braun is wrestling the same match I saw him wrestle three months ago on Superstars against Sin Cara.
Except this isn't Superstars, and this isn't Sin Cara.
He tosses Rollins around, then cuts him off at the pass when Seth runs the ropes with a HUGE running shoulderblock.
Rollins can't knock him off his feet with two flying knees to the temple, then does with a Blockbuster.
Rollins tries for a Pedigree and Braun back body drops him into the next zip code.
Braun literally runs THROUGH Seth on the outside, then rolls him back into the ring.
Sami Zayn's music hits, and Braun gets distracted, looking up the ramp for him.
Zayn attacks from out of the crowd, and Braun chases him back over the barricade and through the crowd, out of the arena.
WINNER BY DQ: Braun Strowman
Chris Jericho runs in and gives a couple Codebreakers to Seth Rollins, who has no idea where he is.
Kevin Owens Interview Backstage With Random Stranger
That's what he calls Charly Caruso.
He's happy since his best friend beat up Seth Rollins, and now Roman Reigns has no backup tonight.
Chris Jericho comes in and they hug and my heart grew three sizes that day.
He says that they are going to become the United States Champion tonight.
It's not gonna happen, but it's fun to think about.
GALLOWS & ANDERSON vs GOLDEN TRUTH
All this over a stuffed bear in polka dot singlet.
The match is 90% longer than it needed to be.
Golddust gets a lot of offense in, but Anderson rolls him up with a fistful of tights for the pinfall.
WINNER: Anderson & Gallows
So, who was excited for the meaningless tag match?
RICH SWANN vs ARIYA DAIVARI
Ariya comes out really aggressive and gains the upper hand, but there's no water in the pool for a frog splash.
Rich Swann mounts the comeback and hits the Swann Song kick for a victory in less than four minutes.
WINNER: Rich Swann
After the match, Swann accepts Neville's challenge, only for Neville to attack him from behind, throw him spine-first into the apron and hit him with the Red Arrow onto Swann's back.
I love evil Neville.
I love NEVIL.
Backstage Interview With Ariya Daivari
He says the only reason he lost was because he was worried about possible interference from Jack Gallagher, "the scoundrel."
Gallagher shows up wearing a three piece tweed suit with a plaid bowtie, and challenges Daivari to a duel.
By slapping him across the face with a glove.
Jack Gallagher vs Braun Strowman for the title at Wrestlemania 34.
KEVIN OWENS vs ROMAN REIGNS
United States Title Match
I just want to put it out there right away:
Kevin Owens should win this match and give the US Title to Jericho as a Day-After-Christmas Gift.
The match is customary, with Owens getting in offense and Roman Reigns selling for a while until he remembers he's Wolverine.
Early on in the match, Jericho's music hits just as his run-in hits the ring, which causes Roman to turn around and catch him climbing onto the apron.
Owens takes advantage of the situation with a DDT and a senton, for quick two counts.
Roman is selling for the time being.
Roman is just beginning to hulk up as we come back from the break, hitting his shitty clotheslines, both of the running and the in the corner variety.
Owens ducks one of the latter version, and hits a superkick, knocking Reigns back into the corner.
He does the Ooh-Ah taunt, then does the cannonball in the corner.
He's working over Reigns a lot with chinlocks and such, then the action spills to the outside.
He throws Roman into the barricade, then gets halfway back into the ring to break the count, only to have Roman spring back to his feet and hit the driveby drop kick and throw Owens into the barricade.
Back in the ring, Owens regains control, then hits a backstabber on Roman for a two count.
Roman comes back, hitting a Superman punch for a two count.
He gets distracted by Jericho, long enough for Owens to hit Roman with a CODEBREAKER.
Rollins comes down, hits a Pedigree on Jericho, then takes a superkick from Owens, who gets back in the ring and takes a Spear from Roman Reigns.
WINNER: Roman Reigns
After the match, Rollins Pedigrees Owens.
Then Roman gets out of the ring, runs around it and hits a Spear on Jericho.
I HATE EVERYTHING.