LIVE RAW COVERAGE 3-6: Goldberg’s First Raw As Champ; Will Taker Show Up?

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MONDAY NIGHT RAW

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LIVE VIEWING PARTY

On tap for tonight’s episode

Goldberg Gets To Gloat

Hooray! Won’t that be fun!

Also,

Neville vs Rich Swann
for the Cruiserweight Title

So that should be fun.

No, seriously.
Sorry if that sounded sarcastic.
I’m legit excited for this match.

Also, probably,

UNDERTAKER’S DONG

___________________

HERE WE GO.

We start with Chris Jericho coming to the ring.

He says he screwed over Owens, but Owens had it coming, after the Festival of Friendship.

He just wants to know why KO did it.

He demands that Owens come out and tell him why.

Owens music hits, he comes out, says he didn’t stab his best friend in the back, because Jericho was never his best friend.

KO said that on the night he became champ, Triple H told him he needed to find somebody to have his back.

KO chose Jericho, because he was uniquely qualified and also, totally gullible.

Jericho outlived his usefulness the night he accepted the match against Goldberg on KO’s behalf.

So he put Jericho down.

And he knew that he was going to beat Goldberg last night, that he had him outsmarted, except he’s man enough to admit that Jericho outsmarted him.

Jericho says he wants KO at Wrestlemania.

KO says put the US Title on the line.

Jericho says “Done.”

Then he says how about we fight right now?

KO says “Cool.”

He runs to the ring starts fighting with Jericho, AND SAMOA JOE RUNS IN TO HELP KO.

My god.

The Fat Guy Faction is an actual thing.

Sami Zayn runs in with a chair to make the save for Jericho, he and Y2J clean house.

_______________________________

IMPROMPTU KEVIN OWENS vs SAMI ZAYN MATCH

Zayn is in control to start, Owens briefly gains the advantage, but Sami Zayn counters a Pop-Up Powerbomb with a dropkick.

Owens rolls to the outside, then Zayn hits a running Tope Con Hiro.

Back to the inside, POP-UP POWERBOMB!

But Owens doesn’t make the cover.

He hit a somersault guillotine leg drop, then a package driver to the back of his knee, which looks SICK

then a SECOND Pop-Up Powerbomb.

Then he makes the cover.

WINNER: Kevin Owens

If losing to Goldberg brings back murderous Kevin Owens, I’m all for it.

________________________

They announce Chris Jericho vs Samoa Joe later tonight.

Cool.

_________________________

RICH SWANN vs NEVILLE
CRUISERWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH

CM Punk chants to start the match.

Hey, we are in Chicago, after all.

Swann hits a pretty dropkick, Neville rolls out, then Swann tosses him into the barricade.

Neville recovers, throws Swann into the apron.

And it looks BAD.

Like I don’t know how Swann isn’t dead.

COMMERCIAL

Back from the break and Neville’s in control.

Until Swann hits an enzuigiri, and does this to the outside.

On the inside, Swann hits a great Michinoku driver for a two count.

But Neville then meets him on top of the turnbuckles and hits a HUGE superplex.

But Swann smartly rolls all the way out of the ring.

Neville follows him, tosses him into the barricade.

COMMERCIAL

Back from the break and they’re trading forearms.

Then Swann pulls this out of his bag of tricks:

He follows that up with a couple HUGE kicks.

Tries for a Phoenix splash, misses, Neville makes the cover.

Two count.

But then Neville locks in the Butterfly Crossface.

And nobody, but nobody escapes the Butterface.

WINNER: Neville

Post match in-ring interview with Austin Aries and Neville.

The crowd keeps chanting Austin Aries.

Neville says there’s no one on his level.

Crowd chants Austin Aries again.

Neville says that there’s no way Aries is on his level, and if Aries doesn’t get back to his commentator’s desk, he’ll break Aries orbital socket again.

Aries doesn’t like that too much.

He’s got a question for Neville:

Just watch this, and make room in your schedule, because if you’re not already, you’re about to start watching 205 Live every week.

___________________________

Backstage with Enzo & Cass and Cesaro & Sheamus.

Enzo talks trash.

He’s fixated on Cesaro’s “Pepperoni Nipples” because babyfaces do bodyshaming now.

Apparently, Enzo & Cass have another shot at the titles tonight, for some reason.

Cesaro and Sheamus say they’ll be watching to see if they choke again.

____________________________

GOLDBERG GETS TO GLOAT

He comes down to the ring, wearing the belt over his street clothes.

He’s also wearing cowboy boots, which for some reason, just looks silly.

He says the title belongs to the fans, then he says he has some information that he’s never made public.

The crowd starts chanting CM Punk, and Goldberg responds “Yeah, I hear that!”

I dunno.

Paul Heyman comes out, says that he won’t come down to the ring to offer congratulations.

He says he’s here to introduce the challenger for the title.

Buh-ROCK! LESNAR!

And Lesnar comes down to the ring.

He gets in the ring, stands nose to nose with Goldberg.

Goldberg is sweaty.

Heyman says that Brock just wants to shake Goldberg’s hand and say congrats.

He says Brock might be even happier than Goldberg is that he won.

So that Brock can win the title at Mania.

Heyman says it’s a spoiler that Lesnar will walk out the reigning defending, undisputed champion, and Goldberg will just be Brock’s bitch.

Brock then surprises Goldberg with an F-5, and just walks away.

First bump taken by the current champ in 13 years.

Goldberg is REALLY sweaty.

_____________________

GALLOWS & ANDERSON vs ENZO & CASS
TAG TEAM TITLE MATCH

Still don’t understand why this match is happening.

In the grand scheme of things, they really weren’t screwed out of anything last night.

Enzo starts out, gets beat up a bit, makes the tag to Cass who beats up the other guys a bit.

Sheamus and Cesaro come down the ramp, watching the match.

Cesaro is drinking coffee.

Enzo is shocked.

He invited them.

COMMERCIAL

Back from the break and Enzo is getty mollywhopped all over the ring.

He eventually makes the hot tag, Cass does his stuff.

He hits the Empire Elbow on Anderson, Gallows makes the save.

Everything breaks down, Enzo winds up hitting Cesaro and making him spill his coffee.

Then it’s every man for himself.

It ends with Enzo on Cesaro’s back, and Sheamus Brogue Kicking him in the face.

Building to a three corners match at Mania, no doubt.

We coiuld have had a four corners match, but the New Day aren’t allowed to wrestle.

______________________________________________

RICK RUDE HALL OF FAME VIDEO PACKAGE

___________________________________________

Backstage Mick Foley separates a brawl.

Enzo & Cass and Sheamus & Cesaro are jawing back and forth.

Foley makes a match for next week, these two teams will face off for the right to fight Gallows & Anderson at WrestleMania.

So maybe we’re getting a two corners match.

After the two teams leave, Steph McMahon shows up, tells Foley to come to her office.

She doesn’t look happy.

___________________________________________

AKIRA TOZAWA vs ARIYA DAIVARI

AH! AH! AH! AH! AH! AH!

AH! AH! AH! AH! AH! AH!

AH! AH! AH! AH! AH! AH!

WINNER: Akira Tozawa

After the match, Tozawa calls out Kendrick, he wants a fight right now.

Kendrick comes out, says he’ll have an answer for him on 205Live tomorrow night.

____________________________________

NEW DAY ICE CREAM-CENTRIC PROMO

Big E is still licking the ice cream refrigeration cart thing.

Yeah.

Keep telling me that they have a creative direction for these guys.

Please.

____________________

NEW DAY vs SHINING STARS

Former tag champs Primo & Epico are just made to look like fools for about two minutes, and then they lose.

WINNERS: The New Day

___________________________

BAYLEY IN-RING SEGMENT WITH MICK FOLEY

Mick congratulates Bayley on her win.

Bayley says that after further contemplation, she says she wishes she hadn’t won the way she did last night.

Her conscience is getting the better of her.

Good.

But Mick tells her, it doens’t matter how you win, it just matters that you win.

WHAT IS HAPPENING?

Mick asks her who her opponent should be at Mania.

Sasha comes out, says she should get the match, and Bayley is about to agree.

The crowd wants it, too.

Then Charlotte comes out with her mute friend, Dana Brooke.

She says she was robbed last night, that Sasha interfered to make sure that Bayley was champ, because she knew that she’d never get another match for the title if Charlotte was the champ.

Stephanie McMahon comes out, and she’s on the side of Charlotte.

She makes the match Charlotte vs Bayley at mania.

But Foley says that Sasha deserves to be in that match, too.

He proposes a match next week, Sasha vs Charlotte, winner gets the title shot.

Steph says, okay, but if Sasha wins, it’s a triple threat.

Bayley vs Charlotte vs Sasha.

And it’s not gonna be next week, and it’s not gonna be Charlotte.

It’s gonna be…

BAYLEY vs SASHA BANKS

If Sasha wins, it’s a triple threat at Mania.

These two don’t want to fight each other.

Which is interesting, but doesn’t make for a compelling match.

At one point, though, Sasha hits a big chop, then hits a headscissors and the action briefly spills to the outside.

Then, this:

COMMERCIAL

More back and forth action.

It’s good, but, and I can’t stress this enough, IT SHOULDN’T BE HAPPENING.

Not for the first time on a Raw with absolutely ZERO build.

This could have been so important, and yet, it feels so not that.

Sasha is starting to be more ruthless as Charlotte and Dana come down to ringside.

She’s able to lock in the Banks Statement, Bayley is crawling toward the ropes.

Dana gets up on the apron, while the ref is dealing with her, Charlotte tries to get involved on the other side of the ring, Sasha kicks her away, uses the momentum to roll Bayley into the center of the ring.

Bayley taps.

WINNER: Sasha Banks

After the match, Charlotte hits a big boot on both women, then poses with the title.

This was just weird.

_______________________________

VIGNETTE ON SETH ROLLINS’ REHAB

Cool, I guess.

Then Triple H joins the announce team live via satellite.

He puts over the WWE for providing top notch health care to their talents.

He says that Rollins thinks he’s the man.

___________________________

Emma Vignette

1 down, 16 to go, probably.

____________________________

SAMOA JOE vs CHRIS JERICHO

This is fun.

Jericho comes out on fire, but Joe tamps that down pretty quick.

Jericho fights back, hits a crossbody of the top.

Joe regains control, then Jericho tries for the Walls, but Joe fights out of it.

Jericho hits the the springboard dropkick, knocking him off the apron.

He tries a baseball slide kick under the ropes, but Joe sidesteps it, locks him in the Coquina Clutch.

Jericho is out on the outside, Joe gets back in the ring to beat the count.

WINNER by countout: Samoa Joe

After the match, Joe rolls Y2J back inside, follows and gets hit with a surprise Codebreaker.

________________________

ROMAN AND BRAUN BEAT EACH OTHER UP SEGMENT
(ALSO MAYBE THE UNDERTAKER’S DONG SHOWS UP)

Braun comes down, he’s pissed, asks for a microphone.

“ROMAN!!!”

He says that Roman got lucky last night, but his luck runs out tonight.

He doesn’t want a match.

He just wants to beat the piss out of Roman.

Roman’s music starts for a second, and then:

THE UNDERTAKER’S DONG.

His music plays and he comes out.

Did The Undertaker kill Roman Reigns?

He takes his sweet time getting to the ring, that’s for sure

The crowd is giving this a “HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT” chant, and for good reason.

Strowman slowly backs out of the ring, ceding the ring to Taker.

He leaves through the crowd.

What? Why? WHY?

Roman’s music hits.

Why do you do this to us?

He comes out on the stage, stands there, staring down Taker.

Starts toward the ring, stops at the bottom of the ramp, gets in the ring.

He says that Braun callled him out, not you, Dead Man, so with all due respect, this is my yard now.

“ROMAN SUCKS” chants.

Taker grabs Roman by the throat, chokeslams Roman.

Leaves.

Oooooooooookayyyyyyyy?

WHERE IS BRAUN STROWMAN? WHY DID HE JUST LEAVE?

Ugh, Raw. You never fail to disappoint me.