Welcome to the Live Coverage
For Monday Night Raw
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Here's what's going down on the Flagship, according to the official preview on WWE.com:
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Seth Rollins must battle Rusev on Raw!
So the big "consequences" for Rollins getting involved in the main event on Raw last week is for him to have a wrestling match.
Which is just him doing the thing he would normally do.
Yup. Ol' Iron Fist Foley, doling out the punishments. Surprised he's not ordering a public flogging.
Also according to the 'E, it's also supposed to be a punishment for Rusev getting involved in the match.
I mean, is the US Title on the line? Because if so, that's definitely a punishment for Rusev, but definitely not one for Seth.
Can't have it both ways, Mick.
Also, there's this:
Which kind of makes it seem like Roman is promising to beat up Lana.
And yet, still a babyface.
Hooray.
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The Cruiserweights Arrive on Raw.
There's a rumor that there's going to be a 6-Way Match to determine a #1 Contender for the Cruiserweight Title at CofC.
Guess we already know what's going to be the best segment of the night.
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Cesaro looks to even up the Best of Seven Series in Match No. 6
Guess we already know what's going to be the worst segment of the night.
Unless they bring back the Old Day.
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Are the walls closing in on Charlotte?
I mean, probably.
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Here we go.
Welp. Memphis hates Roman Reigns.
He comes out to DEAFENING boos.
Like you could hear those boos from Nashville.
He comes down to the ring, and is about to start a promo when Stephanie's music hits.
She's about to start a promo when Mick Foley's music hits.
If they do this with everyone on the roster these three hours are just gonna fly by.
Mick Foley announces the Seth/Rusev match, and Roman's like, "So?"
Foley says Roman gets to fight Rusev at Clash of Champions for the US Title.
Also, Roman gets Kevin Owens in a rematch tonight, because reasons.
Kevin Owens comes out (IN A SUIT!!!) and he's upset.
He says he doesn't know why he has to fight Roman this week.
Steph says don't worry, it's not for the title, and Mick says "yeah, but it's gonna be in a steel cage."
WHY DOES MICK FOLEY HATE KEVIN OWENS?
Seriously. None of this makes any sense.
Why would either man want to get in a steel cage six days before each of them face DIFFERENT MEN in title matches?
The 'E, y'all.
THEN.
NOW.
DA FUQ?
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Backstage, Steph has no idea why Mick booked this steel cage match, either.
Glad the channels of communication are open.
Rusev shows up and is pissed to have to fight Roman Reigns at a PPV again, considering that Roman is an unpredictable dead-behind-the-eyes sociopath.
Mick says, basically, Tough Taco, and Rusev drops a "WE GO!" from Rocky IV, which made me mark the hell out on my couch at home.
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SETH ROLLINS vs RUSEV
Rollins and Rusev are going back and forth, Seth breaking out a Buff Blockbuster like 45 seconds into the match, and Rusev smashing Seth spine-first into the ringpost.
Rusev in control, and Rollins definitely working babyface.
A comeback by Rollins, thwarted when he climbs to the top rope and Rusev just tosses him into the middle of the ring with one arm.
COMMERCIAL.
Back from the break and Rusev his hugging Rollins around the waist, because this is what passes for a rest hold nowadays.
Rollins fights out, hits an Enzuigiri, then pulls Rusev's face into the bottom turnbuckle
Slingblade, then some running forearms in the corner, then a Falcon Arrow by Seth.
Two Count.
Rollins goes for the sidekick to kneeling Rusev, but Rusev catches his foot. Couple moves later, Rusev goes for the Machka stomp, but Rollins rolls to the apron, springboard knee back inside.
Rusev rolls out, Suicide Dive. Then another.
Rusev walking up the ramp, Rollins following, as the Ref Counts Ten.
DOUBLE COUNT OUT.
They fight a bit, then Rusev tries to powerbomb Rollins off the stage, Seth rolls through it, knees Rusev in the back, Rusev falls to the concrete.
Seth hits a crossbody off the announce table on Rusev.
None of what you just read about means anything.
Congratulations.
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Backstage with Dana, Charlotte and Mick Foley.
Dana is showing Mick video footage of the DOUBLE PIN LIKE I SAID THERE WAS last week with Sasha and Bayley.
Charlotte argues that should mean there's no #1 Contender.
Dana says that Bayley and Sasha should wrestle each other tonight to see who gets to lose to Charlotte at CofC.
Mick Foley has another idea, making even less sense, that BOTH Sasha and Bayley should be in the Championship Match.
After Mick leaves, Charlotte of course blames Dana and shoves her to the ground.
JUST LEAVE, HONEY. YOU CAN DO BETTER.
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Backstage with Jericho and KO, both angry at Mick Foley for being stupid.
Join the club, fellas.
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BRAUN STROWMAN vs SIN CARA
Again.
Because after a match on Raw two weeks ago, and another on Superstars last week, we definitely need to see this fresh match-up again.
Strowman catches Sin Cara's springboard moonsault and turns it into a running powerslam.
1-2-3.
WINNER: Braun Strowman.
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Backstage with Sasha and Bayley.
They're arguing over who's going to be champ after Sunday.
But they're still BFFs LOL.
They have a tag match against Charlotte and Bayley tonight.
Gee, I wonder if there will be an angle where we don't know if they can co-exist peacefully?
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BAYLEY & SASHA vs CHARLOTTE & DANA BROOKE
Bayley needs new merch. She's still wearing her "Hug the Champ" shirt and she hasn't been champ since Wrestlemania weekend.
Charlotte is about to start the match, but tags in Dana immediately, and she gets worked over by the faces as we head to...
COMMERCIAL.
Back from the break, and Charlotte is in the ring, working over Bayley. Charlotte and Dana tag back and forth, keeping Bayley away from Sasha.
Bayley ducks a Flair Chop, hits an arm drag from the second rope, and tags in Sasha.
Sasha has her back/ribs taped, but I honestly didn't notice until right now.
So did Charlotte, and she starts stomping the spine, tags in Dana, who hits an elbow drop.
Then Charlotte grabs an arm and a leg and wraps Sasha around the ring post.
I'm bored.
Sasha escapes the beatdown and makes a tag to Bayley, who hot tags everybody all over the place.
She hits her back elbow off the second rope, and is about to hit the Bayley to Belly, but Dana grabs Charlotte's leg, so Bayley can't get her up.
Sasha goes after Dana, and after the distraction, Bayley gets big booted by Charlotte for the 1-2-3.
WINNER: Charlotte & Dana
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Backstage we see Seth Rollins smiling weirdly at a sign on the wall by a door.
The sign says "Stephanie McMahon's Office."
Seth Rollins opens the door and walks in.
Wow. Intrigue.
After the break, in the office, Seth Rollins tells Steph that he knows she was behind HHH's attack three weeks ago and he wants to know why.
She says she didn't know.
He says she did.
She immasculates him.
SETH ROLLINS BABYFACE TURN COMPLETE.
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BO DALLAS POETRY SLAM AND SQUASH MATCH.
Against a guy named Gary Graham who looks like a jobber from 1992.
The poems are getting better, but Graham almost steals one with a roll up.
The "Let's Go Jobber" chants are getting louder.
Dallas wins with the Cross-Bodes.
WINNER: Bo Dallas
He needs new gear. He's still wearing the Social Outcasts singlet.
I hope he joins forces with Braun Strowman and the soon-to-be-returning Luke Harper and they run roughshod over the mid-card.
But they'll probably just feed him to Roman Reigns or something.
Hooray for Raw.
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CESARO vs SHEAMUS
Cesaro is going to win and they're going to have Match #7 at CofC.
Do I still have to watch this match?
I'm being told that yes. Yes I do.
Well, fine.
Cesaro hits a European Uppercut, Sheamus backbody drops him to the floor.
Oh no! Cesaro's back may be hurt again!
COMMERCIAL.
Back from the break, Sheamus gets knocked off the top rope to the floor, then Uppercutted over the barricade, then brought back into the ring, Springboard Uppercut.
Cesaro tries to do the vertical suplex from the apron to the inside, but the bad back prevents it.
Sheamus reverses it into White Noise ON THE APRON.
TWO COUNT.
Irish Curse Backbreaker.
TWO COUNT.
CELTIC CROSS BACKBREAKER.
TWO COUNT.
Irish Cloverleaf, Cesaro gets to the ropes.
Sheamus tries the schoolboy, puts his feet on the ropes for added leverage, just like Cesaro did last week, but this time the ref sees it.
A couple moves later, Gotch Neutralizer.
1-2-3.
WINNER: Cesaro
Obviously.
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Backstage with Chris Jericho and Mick Foley.
Jericho shows Mick Foley his itemized list of grievances against the GM.
For some reason, he calls it "The LISSST of Jericho."
Mick Foley doesn't care, and leaves the room.
Jericho says he's going to tell the world what's on "The LISSST of Jericho."
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IN-RING LISSST OF JERICHO
He reads his list from what appears to be a blank piece of paper on a clipboard.
It is not funny.
It should have just been "Armbar" over and over again.
Enzo and Cass interrupt.
Enzo says some stuff.
Big Cass says some stuff.
Chris Jericho says some stuff back.
The Shining Stars interrupt.
The New Day interrupt.
Gallows & Anderson interrupt.
Jericho says he's making a new list of Stupid Idiots and everybody in the ring is on it.
Sami Zayn's music hits.
He attacks Jericho.
Everyone in the ring erupts into a huge brawl.
Oh, thank God, a commercial.
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MY GOD EVERYTHING IS HORRIBLE AND I WANT TO DIE.
During the break, Mick Foley apparently made ...
A TEN MAN TAG TEAM MATCH, PLAYA.
I refuse to report on anything that happens in this match, because none of it matters.
I will tell you who wins.
That is all I am willing to do.
Sorry not sorry.
Sami Zayn hit a Helluva Kick on Epico, then Enzo hits the Bada-Boom Shakka-Lakka.
(god, I hate that name)
1-2-3.
WINNER: The Good Guys
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Mick Foley introduces the Cruiserweight Division.
He seems to be introducing the concept of Cruiserweights.
He flubs his lines and seems really nervous. He has to read their names off of notecards.
THIS IS NOT STARTING OFF WELL.
He introduces Rich Swann, Gran Metalik, Cedric Alexander, and Brian Kendrick.
This is going to be a Fatal 4-Way for the #1 Contendership to TJ Perkins' Cruiserweight Championship.
Winner faces him at Clash of Champions.
THIS IS GOING TO BE SO DAMN LIT.
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RICH SWANN vs GRAN METALIK
vs CEDRIC ALEXANDER vs BRIAN KENDRICK
This is great, I am so excited.
Metalik and Swann do some flippy sh*t, then Kendrick hits a couple of running forearms.
Alexander takes over, working Kendrick, then Metalik.
He hits a big springboard forearm to Metalik, who rolls to the outside.
Swann back in and he takes over. He and Alexander trade chops, then Cedric front flips out of a headscissor takedown, gets punched in the mouth.
Metalik and Cedric trade Tope con Hilos, Metalik's of the step-up variety.
Metalik was going to try a springboard back inside, but Kendrick grabbed his leg, throwing him to the floor.
Kendrick, who's just been taking offense this whole time, throws Swann into the barricade, then the steps, and puts the boots to Swann and Metalik on the outside.
COMMERCIAL.
Back from the break, and Kendrick has Alexander in a triangle hold, but Metalik hits a tightrope elbow drop on Kendrick, then a tightrope dropkick to Swann.
Later, Kendrick goes for Sliced Bread but is caught by Metalik. Kendrick reverses it into a DDT.
Later, Alexander nails Metalik with the Lumbar Check, and with Swann selling on the outside, Kendrick locks in the Captain's Hook chokehold, and Cedric has to tap.
WINNER: Brian Kendrick
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They announce Nia Jax vs Alicia Fox for the CofC Pre-Show.
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KEVIN OWENS vs ROMAN REIGNS
IN A STEEL CAGE
WITH NOTHING AT STAKE
FOR NO REASON WHATSOEVER
Why is this match happening?
Seriously. Somebody please tell me.
This is stupid.
I mean, I'm sure its gonna be a good match, but I'd rather see it for the belt in a month.
Owens starts by trying to escape the cage over and over again, and Roman putting a stop to it.
Owens takes control by throwing Reigns forehead-first into the cage.
COMMERCIAL.
Sidenote: Why does the 'E think that if we had the choice of when to watch commercials, we'd choose "DURING THE WRESTLING MATCHES?"
Back from the break and Roman takes over by crotching Owens on the top rope, then hitting Clotheslines.
Owens tries to escape out the door, but Reigns drags him back in, hits a Samoan Drop.
Owens hits a release German Suplex, then a Cannonball in the corner.
Reigns tries to escape out the door, but Owens grabs his leg and hangs on for dear life.
They trade punches and elbows and then Owens hits a superkick.
He goes for the Pop-Up Powerbomb but Reigns turns it into a Superman Punch.
TWO COUNT.
Reigns goes for the Spear, but gets kicked in the mouth instead.
He goes for it again and gets Pop-Up Powerbombed.
TWO COUNT, because gotta keep Roman strong.
Owens climbs the cage, and Roman follows.
Owens headbutts Roman, then smashes his face into the cage.
Roman, on the turnbuckle, SuperMan Punches Owens off the top rope.
Roman climbs out of the cage as Owens tries to drag himself out through the door.
OWENS IS TOO FAT TO GET OUT OF THE DOOR and Reigns drops to the floor.
WINNER: Roman Reigns
Rusev comes out to attack Roman, but Roman gets the upper hand immediately.
Owens, back in the ring for some reason, kicks the door open into Roman's face.
The heels drag Roman into the ring, and chain the door shut.
Rusev puts Roman in the Accolade.
ROLLINS COMES OUT TO SAVE ROMAN!!!
CATS AND DOGS LIVING TOGETHER!!!
MASS HYSTERIA!!!
Rollins climbs the cage and Crossbodies off the top of the cage onto Rusev and Owens.
Somehow they made this swerve utterly predictable.
*sigh*
Clash of Champions this Sunday.
I won't blame you if you don't watch.
