Welcome to the Live Coverage for
Monday Night Raw
Is anybody even here?
I wouldn't be, if I didn't have to.
I mean, the fate of the free world is being decided on another channel.
Also Falcons vs Saints.
Also literally anything else on literally any other channel.
It's my damn birthday,
and I'm celebrating it by watching
what is sure to be a terrible episode of Raw.
If you are here, and God bless you if you are,
Sound off in the comments below
and Join our Live Viewing Party!
Now let's see what's in store for tonight's torture, I mean, episode of Raw, according the official preview at WWE.com:
Was Rollins robbed last night?
Yeah, maybe. But who cares?
How will Cesaro and Sheamus react to the conclusion of the Best of Seven Series?
Don't know. Don't care.
Will chaos continue among the Cruiserweights?
I actually kind of care about this, but I know that the Raw audience doesn't.
They'll all be jobbing to Braun Strowman in a 10 on 1 handicap match by Hell in a Cell.
How will Roman Reigns celebrate his first U.S. Title reign?
By being an insufferable dick-weed, probably.
Hopefully by having a grand piano dropped on his head from forty flights like the cartoon douche-nozzle that he is.
But most likely by insulting somebody and expecting to get cheered for it.
Who will be The New Day’s next challengers?
Unless they're promoting the Revival from NXT, I couldn't care less.
Can Charlotte be dethroned?
Sure, eventually, but if the rumors are to be believed, its going to be at the hands of obviously-great-but-pretending-to-not-have-a-clue-what-she's-doing secret babyface Dana Brooke.
Because that will definitely work out great.
Here we go.
Wish me luck.
They're really starting it off with this, huh?
ROMAN REIGNS vs RUSEV
Roman's win last night against Rusev was nothing less than a victory for the forces of evil.
Slow going to start off the match.
A lot of headlocks and such, bear hugs and the like.
Great way to combat the Debate, start off the night with a boring match.
Reigns connects with a straight right, then clotheslines in the corner.
He botches his stupid pick them up with one arm off the ground, and then can't hold Rusev up, selling the back.
Rusev Fallaway Slams him and he rolls out of the ring.
Only 2 hrs and 50 minutes left of this.
After the break, Rusev is in control of this interminably boring match.
He hits a huge dropkick to thwart a comeback, then works on the lower back with gutwrench suplexes and stuff.
Reigns mounts a comeback with a bunch of clotheslines and other nonsense.
He clotheslines Rusev over the top rope and he goes with him.
They're both down on the outside as we go to
Someone call Sean Ross Sapp and tell him I quit.
Back from the break and Rusev is in control.
He puts Roman on the top rope goes for the Superplex, gets headbutted down to the canvas.
Roman hits a big flying clothesline off the top, then a Samoan drop.
Roman tries for a Powerbomb, but can't get him up.
Rusev hits his spinning heel kick off the Irish whip, then a couple of running diving headbutts.
A couple of Two Counts in there.
Rusev goes up top, then gets knocked down to the floor.
Both men back inside and Rusev nails a Roundhouse Kick.
Rusev and Reigns dodging and trading reversals until Rusev nails another huge kick.
Two Count. LOL.
Rusev goes for the Accolade, but Roman grabs the foot for the stomp, shoves him back.
Rusev rushes Roman, gets a Superman Punch.
Reigns preps for the spear, but Lana gets up on the apron.
The distraction doesn't work, and soon Roman and Rusev are going at it on the outside, then walking through the crowd beating on each other.
DOUBLE COUNT OUT.
They're still beating on each other at ringside now.
Roman goes for a Superman Punch off the steps, catches a chair in the ribs.
Another chair shot from Rusev.
Both back in the ring, Rusev has a steel chair, Roman just Spears him, because of course he does.
Roman picks up the chair, and his title belt, then just sets up the chair by Rusev's semi-conscious body, holds the title high.
As Rusev starts to stir and crawl away, Roman hits him with the chair.
I'm going to type that again:
AS RUSEV WAS STARTING TO CRAWL OUT OF THE RING, SIGNIFYING HIS ACCEPTANCE OF DEFEAT, ROMAN TOOK THIS OPPORTUNITY TO HIT HIM IN THE BACK WITH A CHAIR.
ROMAN REIGNS IS A PSYCHOPATH.
IN RING SEGMENT ABOUT THE SHEAMUS-CESARO BEST OF SEVEN DEBACLE
Mick Foley tells the entire crowd to get in the ring and kiss his arse.
Just kidding, he calls Sheamus and Cesaro down to the ring, so they can argue about who is tougher.
Mick interrupts and says that they're both tough and they're both pretty and settle down ladies.
Mick says they both get a title shot ... together ... at the tag team titles.
They'll face the winner of the next match:
NEW DAY vs GALLOWS & ANDERSON
The match has started during the commercial.
Anderson gets kicked in the temple by Kofi, then has a Unicorn Stampede run on him.
Gallows murks Big E, then Kofi on the outside. Kofi then takes a rocket kick from Anderson, and is rolled back inside.
Kofi gets worked over by both men, then is Chokeslammed by Gallows.
Kofi still stuck in the middle of the ring, then gets powerbombed by Anderson. Two Count.
He gets the feet up on a diving attempt by Gallows then moves out of the way on a diving attempt by Anderson.
Tags Big E, who cleans house for a while, but charges Anderson, who Ole's him into the ringpost.
Then Big E does his shoulderblock through the ropes to Anderson, rolls him back into the ring.
MIDNIGHT HOUR. Gallows breaks up the pin.
Gallows throws Kofi into the steel steps, Big E takes a neckbreaker from Anderson.
MAGIC KILLER. Kofi breaks up the pin.
Gallows takes out Big E and Xavier, Kingston dodges a charge by the big man, and Gallows tumbles to the outside.
Trouble in Paradise to Anderson,
WINNER: The New Day.
Kofi's face is a mask of blood from the steel steps bump, by the way.
SETH ROLLINS RIB INJURY CONFIRMED.
They show still photos of him getting an X-ray. He's not cleared to compete tonight.
Or it's a work and they staged an X-Ray Technician's office.
QUESTION EVERYTHING, SHEEPLE.
BACKSTAGE SEGMENT WITH MICK FOLEY GIVING A PEP TALK TO SHEAMUS AND CESARO.
He says that Sheamus and Cesaro are amazing and they start to believe him.
It's actually not terrible.
BAYLEY vs A JOBBER
Her name is Anna Fields, I guess, and she's getting a lot of offense in on Bayley.
Bayley comes back with her and hits the Bayley to Belly,
Bayley gets interviewed in the ring, says she's just getting started and her loss last night was just the beginning of her journey to the Women's Championship.
BACKSTAGE SEGMENT WITH MICK FOLEY AND STEPHANIE MCMAHON
Mick confronts Steph about her and HHH meeting after the PPV, and she immasculates him.
She RUNS HIM DOWN for being terrible at his job.
She's not wrong, but she actually made me feel sorry for Mick Foley.
This was a damn fine segment, but I can't help but think that the whole "it's about the wrestling, not the authority figures" thing that they promised us was just the cruelest joke ever.
Cedric Alexander & Rich Swann vs Lince Dorado and Drew Gulak (!)
Serious question, how do they make the ring ropes purple just for this one match?
Also, did I miss that Drew Gulak was going to be in the Raw CW Division? Because AWESOME.
The crowd absolutely could not care less about any of these guys. They're not sitting on their hands, but they might as well be.
The match starts out hot, with Swann and Dorado one-upping each other with acrobatic reversals and kip-ups.
Then there's a kerfuffle in which three men end up on the outside and Dorado hits a Moonsault off the top rope.
ANOTHER DAMN COMMERCIAL.
After the break. Swann is getting punished, first by Gulak's chin lock, then by Dorado's strikes.
He makes the tag to Alexander who hits a bunch of great stuff, including a Lumbar Check on Dorado that was actually more of a Cervical Vertebrae Check.
Gulak hits a Saito Suplex on Alexander, then gets nailed with Swann's Rich Kick, a spinning roundhouse heel kick to the temple, followed by a unique twisting roll-up pinfall.
WINNERS: Alexander & Swann
CESARO & SHEAMUS vs JOBBERS
I guess this is a warm-up match, before they take on the New Day?
Cesaro puts Jobber #1 in a stalling vertical suplex, then tags in Sheamus who does his 10 Beats of the Blah-Blah to him.
Jobber #2 comes in and he gets worked over. He goes after Cesaro's injured shoulder, Cesaro humors him, then wrecks shop, and is about to hit the Neutralizer, when Sheamus Brogue Kicks the other jobber.
Sheamus then Brogue Kicks the first jobber.
Cesaro begrudgingly pins one of them, I lost track.
WINNERS: Cesaro & Sheamus
TJ PERKINS GETS INTERVIEWED BACKSTAGE.
He talks about how much he dreamt about this moment, then Brian Kendrick interrupts.
Kendrick talks about how that title is owed to him. TJP disagrees.
IN-RING CELEBRATION OF CHARLOTTE'S TITLE WIN
Charlotte talks about how great she is, until Sasha's music hits.
Sasha says she's still owed a one on one rematch, and she wants it right now.
The crowd breaks into a Yes chant, and Charlotte calls them peasants.
Charlotte says she'll give her a rematch ... Next Week.
Charlotte runs her mouth and Sasha slaps her in the mouth, locks the Banks Statement on Dana.
Charlotte breaks it up, but Sasha cleans house and stands tall to end the segment.
By the way, Hell in a Cell is in Boston, Sasha's hometown, so there's no way she wins the title until then.
Just so we're all clear.
BACKSTAGE WITH SETH ROLLINS AND MICK FOLEY
Seth is on his way to the ring (?), Mick gets in his way, tells him not to get involved with Kevin Owens tonight.
Seth says, and I'm paraphrasing here, "Go Screw Yourself."
TJ PERKINS vs TONY NESE (!)
It's non-title, but I'm so happy to see Tony Nese. Love this guy. Best raw athlete in the CWC.
Reversals back and forth, and Perkins locks on the KneeBar out of nowhere. Nese dives for the ropes.
Nese cartwheels off the apron to avoid an attack by Perkins, then hits a superkick, followed by a pretty awesome corkscrew senton Tope.
Nese gets out of an Octopus Stretch with an inverted gutwrench suplex.
Perkins mounts a comeback with a running hurricanrana.
Then a couple of impressive moves as the crowd chants for CM Punk.
RIP, the Cruiserweight Division.
Tony Nese blocks a Tornado DDT, transitions to a suplex position, drops him on the top rope, hits a running knee.
TJ Perkins gets Nese into the ropes, then hits a wrecking ball dropkick, a Detonation Kick and locks in the KneeBar.
WINNER: TJ Perkins
HIGHLIGHT REEL WITH CHRIS JERICHO AND KEVIN OWENS
(and probably Seth Rollins and Mick Foley)
Jericho is still working the List of Jericho gimmick.
He puts the cameraman on the list for shooting him from the wrong angle.
Also, Seth Rollins is on the list, for getting injured.
He brings out Kevin Owens.
This segment is going the full half hour until the show ends, isn't it?
So instead of starting the show with a half hour of talking, they're going to end with it.
Owens and Jericho banter about the Jeri-Tron 5000, and Owens says he's not going to put on a suit for the city that spawned a walking car crash like Dean Ambrose.
He says he's the man, not Seth Rollins.
He says with all those injuries that Rollins has caused, he could be considered the most dangerous man in WWE, and Owens took him out, so now HE'S the most dangerous man in WWE.
Rollins comes out, but Security and Mick Foley stop him and force him into the back.
Owens and Jericho gloat, and then ENZO & CASS'S MUSIC HITS.
Best possible use for these two, honestly.
Enzo does his shtick, Jericho puts them on the List.
There's some vaguely homophobic comedy which I won't repeat.
It's funny though.
Cass says Mick Foley made a match with these two teams, like, as he passed them in the hall or something.
Cool, at least the last twenty minutes of the show won't just be talking.
ENZO & CASS vs JERI-KO
So there's no way this doesn't end with Seth Rollins coming down to ringside and causing a distraction, right?
The Babyfaces getting work done at the start of the match, with Big Cass Gorilla Pressing Enzo onto Jeri-KO on the outside.
Cass has a couple of sidewalk slams for his opponents back on the inside, then Jericho pulls down the rope to avoid a Big Boot, and Cass topples to the floor.
Owens bounces Cass's skull off the ringpost as we go to COMMERCIAL.
Back from the break and Big Cass is able to get out of a headlock by hitting a back suplex then tags Enzo, who comes in like a house afire, all ebows akimbo and running forearms.
His run ends when Owens grabs his leg on the apron, and Jerich nails his springboard dropkick.
Owens works him over on the inside, Jericho gets in a few shots while the ref's back is turned.
Jericho tags in, hits a vertical suplex, puts Enzo up top, goes for the Superplex as Owens shouts "MAKE HIM DRINK IT!"
Enzo knocks him off the top rope, then jumps off and gets a big dropkick to the chest for his troubles.
Kevin comes in, hits his running Senton. Two Count.
Jericho comes in, works him over, but a Lionsault ends up with Enzo's knees in Jericho's mush.
Hot tag to Cass. Running shoulderblocks a Fallaway slam to Owens. Big Boots for all.
About to do Air Enzo to Owens, but Jericho intervenes. Big Boot, both men fall to the outside.
DDG from Enzo to Owens. Two Count.
Big Clothesline by Owens. Pop-up Powerbomb.