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MONDAY NIGHT RAW
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On Tonight's Episode:
Charlotte Defends Her Title On RAW
(and we all know what that means...)
Jeri-KO Celebrates With "A Festival Of Friendship"
(and nothing will go wrong to cause a rift.)
Emmalina Finally Makes Her Deb-HHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
(Sorry I couldn't say it with a straight face.)
If they say it's gonna happen, it's probably not.
HERE WE GO
Stephanie McMahon kicks things off and already it sucks.
She says she gave Mick Foley the night off since he was obviously overworked and exhausted.
Roman Reigns comes out and says he wants Braun Strowman RIGHT NOW.
She leaves it up to the crowd, who cheers for getting to see the match tonight, and Steph says that they don't care about you, Roman, or they wouldn't be begging for you to get injured.
I'm trying to protect you, she says.
Roman says he doesn't care what she says. Steph says you can't have Strowman anyway, since he's got a match tonight already against Mark Henry.
Roman says he's going to interfere in that match, and Steph says if you do, I won't give you that match with Strowman at FastLane.
Gallows and Anderson come out and take exception to the heelish Roman's disrespect of a woman in charge.
They propose a two on one handicap match against Roman, and Steph, because she wants to protect Roman, says yes.
And it starts RIGHT NOW.
Gallows and Anderson come down to the ring and Roman meets them at the bottom of the ramp, throwing the first punch.
THAT DAMNED NUMBERS GAME etc etc and the Tag Champs take control.
GALLOWS & ANDERSON vs ROMAN REIGNS
Roman gets beat on for a while then mounts a comeback and overcomes the odds.
Winner: Roman Reigns
Wouldn't that be great, though?
I mean, yeah, he wins by DQ when the tag champs won't stop double teaming him, but then he fights out of a Magic Killer, hits a Superman punch on one of the bald guys (can't remember which) and makes them run away because he grabbed a chair.
WINNER BY DQ: Roman Reigns
I hate RAW.
KOFI KINGSTON vs BO DALLAS FOR SOME REASON
The New Day come out holding a manila folder that reads "ICE CREAM BLUE PRINTS."
They've created an Ice Cream Machine, you see, and those are the blue prints.
They taunt Bo Dallas until he takes the folder and tears it in half.
Then he beats on Kofi until Kofi catches him in an SOS out of nowhere and gets the win.
Seriously that was the only offensive move he took in the whole match.
WINNER: Kofi Kingston
After the match, the New Day get in the ring and FORCE FEED BOOTY O's TO UNCONSCIOUS BO DALLAS LIKE IT'S MONEY AND THEY'RE THE MILLION DOLLAR MAN.
Because, you know. They're the good guys.
I hate Raw,
Neville Backstage Says Jack Gallagher Is No Threat To Him
Jack Gallagher the new #1 Contender, shows up and calls him a pillock.
Whatever that is.
I stil love Jack Gallagher, though.
JACK GALLAGHER vs NOAM DAR
Dar is out there with Alicia FOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOX.
Noam takes control by doing heel things and Jack Gallagher fights back by doing weird British things.
Then he hits his signature headbutt and a running corner dropkick for the 1-2-3.
WINNER: Jack Gallagher
After the win, Neville's music and pyro hits and he comes out on the stage, then does nothing.
I admire his restraint.
EMMALINA IS SUPPOSEDLY PREMIERING NEXT AFTER LIKE FIVE MONTHS
She comes out in a sparkly dress and says:
I honestly don't know anymore.
Backstage Bayley Interview where she says she's going to hit the jackpot in Vegas.
Seriously, they actually told her to say that.
Jeri-KO hanging out backstage.
Then Triple H comes over and asks to talk to Kevin Owens, alone.
Jericho seems cool with it, but we'll see where this goes.