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MONDAY NIGHT RAW
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Tonight, on Raw:
Braun Strowman vs Big Show
I hope Big Show wrestles shirtless, and we get a peek at his crazy abs.
Sheamus & Cesaro vs Enzo & Cass
Winner Gets Gallows & Anderson at FastLane
Or, they could do the thing we all expect them to do,
and end it in a schmozz, making it a triple threat at the PPV.
Won't that be surprising?
HERE WE GO.
RAW starts off with a video package of The Festival of Friendship.
Then we get Kevin Owens in the middle of the ring, sitting backwards on a chair, wearing a suit, in a spotlight.
He says he's gonna tell us why he's still gonna beat Goldberg at FastLane, even without Jericho.
He says that "Bill" got lucky at Survivor Series, because Brock Lesnar took Goldberg lightly.
He says he doesn't have to beat Goldberg, he just has to outlast him.
Goldberg can't handle longer matches, KO says, so all he has to do is outsmart him.
"I know how to play the game better than anyone else."
He says that he's waited to be champion his entire life, and he's stop at nothing to keep it.
He remembers what Goldberg said when he came back, that he wanted to show all the kids that superheroes are real.
KO says he's going to prove that superheroes don't exist.
He changes the topic to Chris Jericho, the fans chant "Y2J! Y2J!" and KO looks disgusted and drops the mic.
He walks up the ramp.
Holy shit why won't they just let Kevin Owens be that guy ALL THE TIME?
SHEAMUS & CESARO vs ENZO & BIG CASS
Winner Gets Gallows & Anderson At FastLane
Enzo does his stuff.
It sounds better than this looks:
Mostly because it's over quick, but also because that is the Worst Tweet in the history of Tweeting.
Cass and Sheamus start off, the two bigguns beating on each other.
Enzo gets tagged in and gets thrown at his opponents, because he's more useful as a javelin than as a wrestler.
Then he gets blasted off the turnbuckle by Sheamus, and eats a sprinting uppercut by Cesaro, who is now the legal man.
Enzo doing his Ricky Morton in peril act, he makes a break for it, dives for a tag with tag and gets murdered in mid-air by another Cesaro uppercut.
Eventually, he does make the tag, though, and Big Cass does some Hot Tag stuff, then Cesaro does stuff to counteract his stuff.
Enzo distracts Cesaro long enough to allow Big Cass to hit the East River Crossing slam on him and get the 1-2-3.
WINNERS: Enzo & Cass
After the match, Enzo gets on the mic and runs his mouth and then gets murdered again.
I guess Enzo & Cass are your new #1 Contenders now.
Backstage, KO is walking toward the exit, but Mick Foley stops him.
He says that KO has a match tonight, against Sami Zayn.
"What's the matter, I thought you liked Sami?" says Owens. "You better watch out Mick, or you're gonna have more guys on the injured list than in the locker room."
MORE OF THIS KEVIN OWENS PLEASE.
Backstage with Mick Foley and Roman Reigns.
Mick says Roman can't have Braun Strowman tonight because of the match with Big Show.
Roman seems cool with that.
So why did he even come into the office?
Gallows & Anderson show up, say they want to finish things between them and Roman.
Mick says if Roman can find a partner, he'll make the match. But Roman says, that's cool, I'll take them on by myself.
Oh, good. Another handicap match.
How ever will Roman Reigns overcome the odds?
BRIAN KENDRICK vs AKIRA TOZAWA
They show a video of Kendrick offering to mentor Tozawa last week, condescending to him, and Tozawa saying this:
So Kendrick is pissy today and he's screamig at Tozawa to do the stupid Cruiserweight pre-match handshake, and Tozawa refuses, so Kendrick attacks him, puts him in the Captain's Hook choke and won't let go for a while.
The match never starts.
Kendrick releases the hold and leaves.
Backstage, he says he's going to teach Tozawa some respect.
Today was just the first lesson.
ROMAN REIGNS vs GALLOWS & ANDERSON
Roman Reigns is outnumbered.
Somehow, he'll have to overcome the odds.
He holds his own, battling THE GODDAMN TAG CHAMPS TO A FUCKING STALEMATE.
Gallows brings a chair into the ring, Roman takes it from him and hits Anderson with it.
WINNERS: Gallows & Anderson by DQ.
He beats on them with a chair for a while, then gets rid of Gallows to the outside.
Then he does this to Karl Anderson:
Once again, THIS IS THE BEST TAG TEAM ON YOUR ROSTER.
I hate Raw.