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American Alpha, The Hype Bros and The Usos
Breezango, The Ascension and The Vaudevillains
We start off with Chad Gable attempting to wristlock poor Tyler Breeze into next week.
Gable tags in Jey Uso, Breeze tags in Aiden English, Uso tags in Zack Ryder. Ryder goes for the Broski boot, obligatory “everybody get in the ring and brawl” spot.
A.Alpha hits a double diving clothesline from the top rope onto Ascension, Alpha gets pulled out of the ring by Breezango, Ryder hits his wrecking ball on them, English throws Ryder into the ringpost.
Back from the break and Ryder is being worked over by Gotch.
Now Viktor gets tagged in. A chinlock. Ooh, exciting.
Ryder hits a jawbreaker but can’t make the tag.
Konnor gets tagged in, then Breeze.
Ryder looks like the inside of a cantaloupe. Orange.
Breeze tags in Fandango, puts Ryder in a single leg crab, Fandango hits a slingshot leg drop on Ryder.
Dango tags in Viktor. Viktor tags in Konnor. Ryder counters a Canadian Backbreaker into a Rude Awakening.
Jimmy Uso gets the hot tag as Breeze comes in. Uso gets the better of that exchange.
Jason Jordan tags himself in and suplexes E’RYBODY.
English breaks up a pinfall attempt. He hits a sitout powerbomb on Gable.
Everybody hits their finishers and double team signatures.
ACTION IS HAPPENING!
Finally, Jordan hits the flying shoulder-strapless-shoulderblock into the corner on Gotch.
But Jimmy Uso tagged himself in, and he hits the splash from the top on Simon, and gets the 1-2-3.
Uso stole the glory from American Alpha? Intrigue? Maybe?
TURN HEEL DAMMIT.
Winner: The Good Guys.
Sami Zayn & Neville vs The Dudley Boyz
Neville starts out against D-Von. Tags in Sami Zayn. Tags in Neville. Tags in Zayn. Tags in Neville.
This is getting monotonous.
Zayn hits a backbreaker, then Neville uses Zayn as a springboard to do a corkscrew moonsault onto D-Von for a 2 count.
Neville runs the ropes but gets his feet grabbed at the apron.
Bubba takes control as we go to commercial.
Back from the break and the Dudleyz take turns working over Neville until Bubba Ray misses a GIANT senton off the top rope.
Sami Zayn gets the hot tag and nails a Blue Thunder Bomb on D-Von. Bubba breaks up the pin.
Neville breaks up a pin attempt after a tandem neckbreaker, then avoids a 3-D, gets out of the way of a Bubba clothesline, which knocks down D-Von.
Bubba takes a Helluva Kick, then a Red Arrow.
WINNER: Neville & Zayn by Pinfall.
No heel turn from Bubba. My night is ruined now.
Cesaro vs Sheamus
First Match in the Best of Seven Series
(actually the Third Match, but who's counting?)
(we are. we all are.)
This starts out hot, with both men attempting finishers and big moves back and forth.
Sheamus takes control after hotshotting Cesaro's throat across the top rope and knocking his head against the ringpost.
Cesaro comes back with a modified Death Valley Driver. Snap suplex for a one count.
Sheamus with a couple of stiff shots. Back and forth. Tilt-a-whirl slam from Sheamus.
This is actually GOOD.
Back from the break and Sheamus is in the driver's seat. Both men go over the top rope, and there's a double count out possibility.
Sheamus back in at 7-ish and Cesaro back in at 9 and a half.
Sheamus slapping Cesaro around, "You're not in my league!" but Cesaro disagrees. A bunch of European uppercuts, puts Sheamus on the top rope, huge dropkick knocks Sheamus to the apron, huge vertical suplex back inside.
Reversals for a while. Neutralizer countered into White Noise.
Sheamus hits an Avalanche Rolling Senton from the top rope.
Man, if they were going to give Sheamus a win, that would've been the time.
Brogue Kick countered by a big boot, then Sheamus rushes Cesaro and gets caught by a HUGE clothesline.
Cesaro climbs the turnbuckle, stands ON THE RINGPOST, then sprinboards off the top rope and hits a crossbody.
That was ridonkulous, y'all.
Big Swing into Sharpshooter. Sheamus grabs the bottom rope.
Sharpshooter attempted again. Sheamus with a thumb to the eye, then throws Cesaro's shoulder into the ring post.
WINNER: Sheamus by Pinfall.
MAIN CARD BEGINS ........................... RIGHT NOW.
Enzo Amore & Big Cass vs JeriKO
Enzo and Cass do a promo before the match. It is, shall we say, local. It's all New York references. Big Cass sings some of "New York, New York."
In the match's early going, the good guys have the shine until Jericho yanks Enzo off the tope rope onto the back of his head.
Enzo is face in peril now. Get used to this. It's gonna be a while.
KO is great, mocking Enzo and the crowd, then gets tagged in and hits the gutbuster followed by his running senton.
Enzo is able to fight out of the opponents' corner, but just for a second. Owens drags him to the outside, but catches an elbow. Enzo sprints for Cass, but is intercepted by Jericho.
Springboard dropkick to Cass on the apron, then a Bullfrog Splash from Owens to Enzo.
Owens slapping Enzo, then blows a kiss to Jericho, before missing a cannonball in the corner.
BIG CASS HOT TAG.
Big Boot to Owens. Bodyslam and Empire Elbow to Jericho.
Jericho fights out, goes top rope, jumps off, eats a size sixteen.
The Realest Guys go for the Rocket Launcher (I refuse to call it that other thing), but Owens crotches Enzo, then takes out Cass on the outside.
Enzo hits his jumping DDT from the top rope (now called the DDG I guess), but Owens gets involved, tossing Enzo into the air; landing in a BRUTAL looking Codebreaker.
Backstage comedy bit featuring Jon Stewart, Stephanie and Shane, Mick Foley and The New Day. Seems to be teasing a segment with Jon Stewart and the New Day later.
Sasha Banks vs Charlotte
Sasha immediately gets Charlotte in the Banks Statemtent, Charlotte quickly gets out.
Charlotte does this crazy thing where she drops Sasha across the ropes from top turnbuckle.
For reals, I legit thought Sasha was dead.
For reals, yo.
The ref checks on her a couple times, but she's okay I guess.
Charlotte is working STIFF in this match.
This is uncomfortable to watch.
Charlotte is brutalizing her.
Just tossing her all over the ring.
SASHA COUNTERS A TOP ROPE RAZOR'S EDGE INTO A HURRICANRANA.
I still think Sasha might be technically dead.
Strong style elbows and forearms exchanged.
Back and forth. This is going to give me a heart attack.
Double knees from the champ to the outside.
Banks Statement, gotten out of by Charlotte.
Natural Selection. TWO COUNT.
Counter by Sasha into the Banks Statement, Charlott rolls through.
Holy crap. Great match.
Backstage segment with AJ Styles and Gallows&Anderson.
FINN SHOWS UP! They offer him the Too Sweet, but he just smiles and walks away.
The Miz vs Apollo Crews
Intercontinental Championship Match
They finally gave Apollo green ring gear to match his entrance lights.
Miz on the attack from the beginning.
He’s in control until his double axehandle from the top rope is met by a Crews dropkick to the face.
Running clotheslines, stinger splash, crossbody, Angle Slam.
Miz gets hit by an Enzuigiri, but gets the knees up to counter the moonsault.
Crews nails a front slam, then an overhead belly to belly.
Miz tries to take a powder, setting up a distraction by Maryse.
A few moves later, Miz hits the Skull Crushing finale for the 1-2-3.
WINNER: The Miz.
Crews was impressive in defeat, at least.
John Cena vs AJ Styles
A lot of feeling each other out to start this match.
A split crowd in Barclays. The duelling "Let's Go Cena!" "AJ Styles!" chants are equally deafening.
Cena takes control when Styles hotdogs after a dropkick and Cena no-sells the damage.
Styles takes control with a Suplex on the apron.
Cena fights back with one of the highest backdrops you will ever see.
Match is very even so far.
Cena hits a dropkick and a snap suplex, followed by a big right hand and an even bigger headbutt.
A flurry from Styles, followed by a running forearm to seated Cena.
Shoulderblocks from Cena, a 5-Knuckle Shuffle.
He goes for the AA, Styles lands on his feet, and hits the Pele kick.
Cena tries for the top rope AA, Styles fights out, hits a Torture Rack Spin Out Powerbomb.
Some kind of crazy stunner thing by Cena.
AA countered by Styles, countered by Cena into STF, countered by Styles.
Styles hits the Ushi Goroshi.
Styles misses the springboard 450.
Cena hits the Canadian Destroyer.
AA countered by Styles. German Suplex into a Sitout Facebuster.
Phenomenal Forearm countered by Cena grabbing AJ’s leg.
STF. Countered by Styles into crossface.
Countered by Cena into the AA position.
Countered by Styles into the Calf Crusher.
COUNTERED BY CENA INTO THE STF.
Countered by Styles into a pinning predicament.
Pele Kick by Styles.
Tornado DDT by Cena.
Cena goes to the top rope. Guillotine Leg Drop to bent over Styles.
Cena to the top rope again. Styles stops him.
Springboard Hurricanrana from Styles.
(my heart, you guys. The old ticker can’t take much more of this.)
Cena tries for the AA again, Styles gets off his shoulders, runs the ropes, and gets laid out by a huge clothesline.
That clothesline was IMMENSE.
Cena goes up to the second rope with Styles on his shoulders.
(Is there a doctor in the house? I'm having palpitations.)
Cena can't believe it.
He goes for the AA again.
Styles gets out of it again.
no cover attempt
WINNER: AJ Styles
Clean as a sheet. In the middle of the ring.
What a time to be alive.
Jon Stewart Segment
Stewart comes out and reveals a Booty-Os shirt under his sweatshirt. He says he's going to take the place of Big E in the tag match, standing in the New Day's corner.
Odds of Jon Stewart contracting a case of Ring-Post-itis: 100%
The New Day vs Gallows & Anderson
Tag Team Championship Match
First big move is Kofi's giant jumping stomp to running Karl Anderson.
Later, Gallows gets Unicorn Stampeded.
KOFI JUST MARSHAWN LYNCH TOPE'D ONTO GALLOWS.
Soon, though G&A takes over, with Kofi getting beat up for a while.
Gallows misses a splash, leaving Kofi open to make a tag to Woods.
Anderson vs Woods for a bit, with Woods hitting an Enzuigiri and a tightrope springboard Elbow Drop for a two count.
Shades of Gran Metalik.
Kingston is tagged back in, huge backbreaker/double-stomp double team move.
Broken up by Gallows. Magic Killer to Kofi. Stewart stops the pin.
Woods helps out but is thrown to the outside.
STEWART IS ABOUT TO GET RINGPOSTED.
BUT BIG E RUNS IN TO SAVE THE DAY!!!!!!!!!!!!
He wrecks shop all over The Club.
WINNER: The Club by DQ.
New Day keeps their belts for a while longer, and they dance with Jon Stewart.
Welcome back Big E.
Note: Big E decides to drink whatever was in those egg jars. I hope he's okay.
Dean Ambrose vs Dolph Ziggler
WWE Championship Match
Some quick chain wrestling, then a slap to the face from both men.
Back and forth. Ziggler gets tossed to the floor after going for his big DDT. Ambrose follows, hitting Dolph's head on the steel steps.
Dean is definitely wrestling heel here.
He puts Ziggler on the top rope, teases a Dirty Deeds from up there, then nails a super butterfly suplex. Two count.
Ambrose puts Ziggler in a single leg crab and flexes. Ziggler reverses it for a quick nearfall.
Snap suplex by Ambrose.
Ambrose goes up top, goes for the Armpit-In-Your-Face Elbow Drop, but Ziggler hits a big dropkick to counter.
Ambrose hits a facebuster, then mocks Ziggler's "Loading Up The Boot" taunt.
Ziggler hits that big DDT this time. Two Count.
Dean counters a Fame-asser into a roll-up. Two Count.
Dean charges Dolph but hits the ringpost instead.
Fame-asser. Two count.
Double cross body stalemate.
Ambrose with jabs and chops and running clotheslines.
Ambrose hits the Armpit-In-Your-Face Elbow Drop, gets a two count.
Ambrose taunts Ziggler. Ziggles tries to lock in the Sleeper Hold with body scissors, but Dean flings himself to the outside.
Ziggler hits the Superkick on the outside, rolls Dean back in.
Tries for the Superkick again, Dean counters into the setup to Dirty Deeds, Ziggler counters it into the ZigZag.
Sleeperhold. Dean gets to his feet.
Slap to Dean sends him into the ropes, LUNATIC LARIAT.
Dean Ambrose goes top rope. Dolph attempts a superplex. Knocked back down. Attempts a top rope Sit-Out Facebuster. Both men land on their feet.
WINNER: Dean Ambrose.
That match was weird. I dunno.
Becky Lynch, Naomi & Carmella vs Natalya, Alexa Bliss &
Eva Marie's ring announcer says that she's suffering from anxiety and exhaustion and will be taking a vacation.
That's one way of putting it.
But that's okay because she's being replaced by ...
She looks great. Good for her.
She gets tagged in after a while and works against Carmella, hitting some impressive moves and even doing some pushups.
Carmella is the face in peril for most of this, taking all of the heels' offense.
This match is 75% longer than it needed to be.
Becky gets the hot tag, wreaking havoc on all three of the bad girls.
A top rope guillotine leg drop from Becky and the pinfall gets broken up by Nikki.
Springboard crossbody from Naomi to Alexa, but a split-legged moonsault misses the mark.
Carmella is there to take a GIANT forearm from Nikki, followed by her new finisher, (I assume) a TKO.
WINNER: The Heel Girls by Nikki Bella Pinfall.
Finn Balor vs Seth Rollins
WWE Universal Championship Match
Finn comes out of the blocks strong, hitting a running corner dropkick and going up for the Coup de Grace. Rollins rolls to the outside, so Balor hits his tope con hiro.
Rollins comesback, regaining control by suplexing Balor on the floor and sending him over the barricade into the time keeper's area.
But Finn pops up from out of frame in a meme-worthy moment, and hits a high risk move off the barricade.
Later, Rollins hits his running buckle bomb but on the barricade instead, and takes control of the match.
It's Seth in charge still, stomping and clubbing blows to the side of the head.
Rollins hits his springboard knee to the temple, followed by a HUGE frog splash.
Rollins gets cute, and Balor surprises him with a DDT.
He runs the ropes and hits a running flying double axehandle.
Running basement dropkick to the seated Seth.
Balor does his kick on the apron, then a slingblade.
Rollins his a dropkick. Goes for the Pedigree. Countered into a back body drop. Rollins lands on his feet.
Enzuigiri from Rollins.
Pele kick from Balor.
1916 blocked by Rollins. Balor hits the Scorpion Death Drop. 1916.
He goes up for the Coup de Grace.
Misses, gets caught in a Triangle.
There’s no rope break apparently?
Finn goes outside, Rollins brings him back, hits the Buckle Bomb.
SMALL PACKAGE DRIVER.
Rollins goes up top. Enzuigiri’d off and to the floor.
Running dropkick from Balor.
Rollins back inside. Coup de Grace to the back of bent-over Rollins’ head.
Up top for the Coup de Grace. Misses. PEDIGREE.
Rollins goes for the 450 misses.
Balor up for the Coup de Grace. Rollins meets him.
SUPERPLEX. INTO PEDIGREE. BLOCKED.
Standing double stomp.
COUP DE GRACE.
WINNER: Finn Balor.
What a time to be alive.
Rusev vs Roman Reigns
United States Championship Match
Rusev come out trying to murder Roman (and with good cause, I feel), before the match is even started.
Throwing him into the steel steps, just brutalizing. No word if the brutalization was technically Bulgarian.
But Reigns throws Rusev into the timekeeper's area, hits a Superman Punch as Rusev tries to climb out.
Chairshots and headbutts and general going nuts.
THE MATCH STILL HASN'T STARTED YET.
Like 70 refs force Roman to go to the back.
Rusev is holding his ribs.
"Rusev is unable to compete tonight."
Roman comes out again and hits a spear off the ramp to Rusev.
So, is he a heel yet, orrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr ..........
WINNER: A-Holes everywhere.
Seriously, I now hate Roman Reigns. That guy SSUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCKS. (As a person. Not as a wrestler.)
Brock Lesnar vs Randy Orton
After that debacle in the last match, we better be getting something good here.
At least two F-5's countered into RKO's.
Lesnar starts out with shoulderblocks and kneelifts in the corner.
He goes for his first German, but Randy elbows his way out and hits a dropkick.
He goes for an RKO, but Brock knocks him away.
3. 3 Suplexes.
Ah. Ah. Ah.
I mean, Orton continues to try to fight back, but it doesn't really matter.
On the outside, Lesnar drops Orton on the Spanish announce table. Orton finds himself in the front row.
Lesnar reaches over the barricade, picks up Orton and throws him on the Spanish announce table.
He rolls Orton back in the ring.
He puts Orton on the announce table, gets up there with him, appears to be going for a powerbomb.
RKO #OUTTANOWHERE ON THE TABLE.
Lesnar crawling back into the ring.
(most of this will be all caps from now on, I have a feeling.)
ORTON HEAD PUNT COUNTERED BY AN F-5.
Lesnar takes off the MMA, mounts Orton, and starts raining down elbows and fists.
ORTON IS BUSTED OPEN.
The doctors come in to tend to Orton, but Lesnar keeps interrupting and punching Orton.
THEY CALLED THE MATCH OFF!
I didn’t even get to use this photo I found.
Lesnar keeps attacking Orton, Shane McMahon comes down.
F-5 to SHANE-O MAC!
Heyman is beside himself. "What did you do?"
Wait ... is that it?
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