OFF-TRACK: When Bears & Brauns Attack--A Wilderness Survival Guide

Welcome to another edition of 


Ivar Discusses His Return From A Broken Neck, Fighting Hard To Get Early Clearance For Cardio

where I tell you how to avoid being mauled by a wild Braun
using my history of watching dozens of hours of nature documentaries

in this edition:


This past Monday night on RAW, in response to being unjustly fired by Kurt Angle, Braun Strowman went on a rampage all over the AT&T Center in San Antonio. He murdered half a dozen innocent security guards,

destroyed a catering table using the body of Curt Hawkins, caused a man holding a cake to shit himself,

threatened to push several buttons in the TV production truck,

assaulted and crippled Optimus Prime,

and set the world record in the Michael Cole Toss.

This all could have been avoided if the parties involved had just been aware of the rules of how to survive a wild Braun attack.

Using my extensive wilderness knowledge--I have watched BBC's Planet Earth nature documentary series on Netflix at least twice--I will tell you how you yourself can avoid a similar fate to those poor souls in San Antonio.

First off, it should be noted that there are some in the wilderness survival community who insist on treating Braun as though he was a common bear.  This must be avoided at all costs--it is a ticket to certain death, and I will explain why.

When meeting a bear in the wild, what you do should be determined by the type of bear. 

Ron Magill, communications director of the Miami-Dade Zoological Park and Gardens, has said that if you come across a Florida black bear--on the smaller side of the Ursa species--you should make yourself as big as possible, wave your arms and yell "Hey Bear!" The startled animal will presumably run away and you will remain unharmed.

However, if you meet a larger bear, such as a Grizzly (or for those readers in Alaska, a Polar Bear) you must immediately drop to the ground, try to cover your neck and head with your hands, and play dead. The bear will almost certainly attack, but will eventually lose interest and wander off, hopefully before you are mauled to death.

As a matter of fact, in one of the first stories I ever wrote for Fightful, I did a report on a Canadian man named Rick Nelson, who fought off a bear attack via his amateur boxing skills because he knew that "most bears are right-handed." So when the bear led with a left jab, he was ready for it, popped the bear hard on the nose, and the bear ran off.

The lesson? It pays to have your opponent scouted.

But here is the crucial difference between a bear encounter and a Braun encounter.

Try as you might, you will never make yourself bigger than Braun Strowman, unless you're a silverback gorilla, and even then, it's an iffy proposition. Shout "Hey Braun!" all you want, pal, you're getting those hands whether you want them or not.

And if you play dead, he'll probably just pick you up and scream in your face "I'M NOT FINISHED WITH YOU!" before hitting you with a Running Powerslam. Then the crowd will probably chant "ONE MORE TIME! ONE MORE TIME! ONE MORE TIME!" until he picks you up and does it again. (Yes, in this analogy, there is a crowd in the woods.)

But there is one thing you can do, and it just might work.

We know for a fact that Braun likes to spend a lot of time in the woods, punishing the trees for murdering his father (probably), and just to drive his point home, he uses a hammer made from the trunk the trees' cousin.

Braun is out there, right now, a one man clear-cutting operation, but you might just make it out of the forest alive if you remember one old adage: When you enter the wilderness, always be prepared.

In the Wisconsin north woods, they teach you to walk through the woods carrying what is known as a "bear bell." You can buy one at Amazon. The idea is that bears will get spooked by the sound and possibly even run away from it. If a bear hears you coming, they'll be likely to just keep their distance. They don't want none, as the saying goes. But if you happen upon a mama bear and her cubs, and startle her, you're probably going to be dinner.

Now, a bell isn't going to protect you from Braun. He might think it's the dinner bell and come running, actually. But there is something that CAN protect you from Braun. It's just a matter of being prepared.

You need to bring a chocolate cake with you into the woods.

I know it sounds crazy and you almost certainly have a ton of questions--store-bought or homemade? pre-sliced or is that not necessary? do you stuff it into your backpack or does it have to be out in the open carried in front of you as an offering?-- but here's what I can tell you.

Chocolate cake is the wild Braun's one weakness.

After rampaging through the backstage area and laying waste to all in his path, Braun came across a man holding a chocolate cake. He paused, took a gigantic slice, paused again, took an enormous bite, and went on his way, leaving the man holding the cake none the worse for wear (though, perhaps, with some soiled undergarments).

If you have cake, Braun will take the cake and leave you unharmed. But if you do not have cake, Braun might take a bite out of you.

Do not--I repeat, Do NOT--try this cake trick with a bear instead of a Braun. The bear might eat the cake, yes, but he is not nearly as gracious as Braun. He would have no qualms about having his cake and eating you, too.

And finally, as for what would happen if a wild bear were to meet a wild Braun in the wilderness, I think it goes without saying:

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