John Cena was a guest on Thursday's episode of the Late Show with Stephen Colbert, plugging Summerslam on the WWE Network.
Note: If you just came here for the penis size comparison talk, scroll to the red text.
He came out to his theme being played by the house band, John Baptiste & Stay Human, though Colbert was confused. He didn't seem to know that was John Cena's theme song. Matter of fact, and sort of disappointingly, Stephen Colbert didn't seem to know anything about the WWE. But first, auto-fellatio jokes from the Face that Runs The Place.
Colbert complimented Cena on his bright blue suit. Cena thanks him for the compliment and says that he is wearing the suit because it is the color of Smackdown. Is that it?, Colbert asks. No, says Cena. "It also serves [to show] that a guy my age, at 39 years old, every once in a while can still blue himself."
Colbert responds, "I have not done enough Yoga, unfortunately."
Colbert then changes the subject to Cena dressing up as Hillary at the Teen Choice awards this past weekend.
And here begins Colbert's display of ignorance regarding the WWE.
He suggests that Donald Trump, being such a larger than life character and all, would be a good fit in WWE, to which Cena informs him that Trump is already a WWE Hall of Famer. Colbert responds "wut." Sure, says Cena, he's been to Wrestlemania and shaved Vince McMahon's head. This blows Colbert's mind. "Is there any chance this entire campaign is scripted, and you know how it ends?" to which Cena makes this face.
Colbert changes the subject to Summerslam. Cena says that it's kind of the Season Finale of WWE, even though that doesn't really make any sense. "When you watch Game of Thrones, you get geared up for the finale..."
"You got any dragons?" Cena says no, but he could have said, "We've got a Beast, and a Viper, and they'll be fighting each other, to the Death, ONLY ON THE WWE NETWORK." But he didn't. Missed opportunity.
When told by Cena that he would be facing AJ Styles at Summerslam, Colbert doesn't have a clue who AJ Styles is. He asks Cena "Have you ever faced him before?," to which Cena replied "I have."
"And?" (Pause.) "I finished second."
To Cena's credit, he admits defeat. He could have said, "I lost but he cheated. He had his two bald, bearded goons come down to the ring and attack me when the ref wasn't paying attention." But he refrained.
Colbert seems fascinated with the "U Can't C Me" taunt. Cena explains "I use it to set up a move called The 5 Knuckle Shuffle. ... My life is so weird." Cena might be having an existential crisis.
Colbert asks where he came up with it, and Cena says that his little brother dared him to do it on television, and he did, and it just stuck.
"How much do you bench?" Colbert asks. "Enough to let me beat AJ Styles LIVE ON THE WWE NETWORK."
They go through the standard "How much do you eat?" (Everything.) and "Who were your wrestling heroes?" (The Rock.)
HI THERE. GLAD YOU COULD MAKE IT.
Then, in the video at the bottom of this page, Cena gets a little more personal.
Colbert says that some of his female producers have seen Cena's movies (Trainwreck) and would like to know if all of his muscles (his penis) are as big as they appear to be on screen.
Cena's answer ... may shock you.
"If you vacation south of the equator, it's going to be a short trip."
John Cena is disappointing a lot of his fans.
"I'm not doing any no-handed push-ups any time soon."
"I'm so glad that in the WWE, we wrestle without our shirt, and not without our pants."
Stephen Colbert is taken aback by this admission of John's ... shortcomings, and offers an alternative as to how to answer that question in the future.
Watch the video to find out.
(Also there's a fun sketch about a training montage to take down a bully. Enjoy.)