Welcome to the Uncooked Raw Reaction
Previously on "The U.C.": The Go-Home show for Clash of Champions largely kept the status quo, featuring a main event that was a steel cage match for no reason and with absolutely no stakes.
It was just about the worst Raw I could have imagined.
Then this week happened.
Look, I'm going to be straight with you people.
I've been up against a terrible time crunch these past few days.
Doctor's appointments, meetings for my other jobs, having to, you know, sleep, you name it, it's all gotten in the way of me writing my weekly reaction pieces.
If you haven't watched or listened to the Post Raw Podcast from this past Monday, here it is:
If you want my thoughts in full on Monday's Raw, that's where you should go.
Because below, you're going to get my quick snapshot reactions to what might have been the worst episode of Raw that I have ever seen.
At least, it's the worst that I can remember.
But that's not saying much, since my long term memory is fuzzy, on account of covering Raw I think is giving me brain damage.
Of course, on account of the Presidential Debate, the 'E made the decision to not even try to deliver a good product, figuring that no one would be watching.
Well, 'E, I was.
I was watching.
And this was undebatably awful.
Mourning an American Hero.
I know I'm a broken record on this subject, but Roman Reigns is not a good guy.
He is a bad guy.
All Rusev wanted to do was to celebrate his wedding to his beautiful bride. Roman interjected where he was not wanted. He wanted a US Title shot, to which Rusev responded:
Roman decided to insult Rusev, and his new wife, deliberately provoking a physical confrontation from Rusev. In the melee, Rusev was knocked into Lana, and she fell facefirst into Chekov's Wedding Cake.
Of course, immediately following this bad behavior, Roman was granted the Title match he asked for, by Terrible GM Mick Foley, almost as if he was being rewarded.
Rusev was understandably upset. He demanded an apology from Roman, and rightfully so. Roman refused, so Terrible GM Mick Foley made a match, for Lana's Honor.
Roman won, because of course he did.
Then came the Title Match at Summerslam, where Roman beat Rusev half to death with a steel chair before the match started. The match was called off by the doctors. Rusev's ribs were too injured to continue.
So of course Roman Speared him off the ramp, because he is a psychopath who cannot be controlled and does not have the capacity to feel guilt for his actions.
Rusev, forced by his rib injury to take a count out loss in his "SERIES OF MATCHES" bout, disappeared for a few weeks, before returning to get his revenge on Roman, costing him a shot at the Universal Title.
Roman asked for another US Title match, and Terrible GM Mick Foley was only too happy to oblige.
They fought at Clash of Champions. Roman no-sold the Accolade, burying the move forever, speared Rusev and won, because of course he did.
The following night, this past Monday Night on Raw, Rusev got his rematch, was in control for 90% of it, then after almost 40 minutes, it ended in a double count out, because of course it did.
Rusev, out of pure frustration, attacked Roman with a chair, but of course Roman no-sold all the damage he had taken and Speared him.
He teased hitting Rusev with the chair, then sat in the chair instead, holding his ill-gotten title belt aloft like a prize large-mouth bass.
Then Rusev, stirring from semi-consciousness, starts to crawl out of the ring, and that was one indignity too much for Roman to suffer, so he took the chair that he was sitting on, and hit Rusev with it so hard it momentarily traveled through time.
I'm going to type that again:
AS RUSEV WAS STARTING TO CRAWL OUT OF THE RING, SIGNIFYING HIS ACCEPTANCE OF DEFEAT, ROMAN TOOK THIS OPPORTUNITY TO HIT HIM IN THE BACK WITH A CHAIR.
Rusev is unquestionably the wronged party in this story, and I cannot be convinced otherwise.
Rusev is the good guy.
Rusev is an American Hero.
And Roman Reigns, that dirty filthy Wedding Crasher, who attacks beaten men while their back is turned, is a sociopath.
This is a sad time for heroes.
And here is a fitting tribute to the fallen.
Oh, and NSFW.
RIP Rusev. You were too good for this world.
They planned this shit.
And you can't convince me they didn't.
That's why they never said which "Title" the "Title Opportunity" was going to be for.
They planned this terrible shit. From the start of this Best of Seven thing, which I'm pretty sure started in like 2013.
If they just had the two warriors who have been beating the piss out of each other for seven (actually nine) matches, look at each other and realize they have respect for one another ALREADY, this would be fine. But instead they're doing the stupid "I want to walk in front--no, I want to walk in front--no, I want to walk in front" on the way to the ring, and this already sucks.
I don't care if Sheamus and Cesaro eventually figure it out and make a great tag team, I'm already done with them.
Do I like this storyline?
Gallows & Anderson are officially buried.
Okay, so The New Day are going to be Tag Champs until the end of time, until the moon falls out of orbit and knocks us into the sun, like the 8-Ball into the side pocket.
But did you have to completely Nerf G&A in the process?
Pictured Below: Gallows & Anderson
Anna Fields is one feisty dame.
Anna Fields is the jobber that Bayley defeated on Monday, and although her wardrobe makes her look like the oldest member of Sparkle Motion, she sounds like something straight out of an old-timey, Fast Talkin' High Trousers movie.
When Bayley kicks her in the gut, she responds with a "Why, you...", like she's Moe from the three stooges or something.
More old timey catchphrases to denote anger in my pro graps, please.
I look forward to hearing someone respond to a knife edge chop with
"What's the big idea?"
Stephanie McMahon could emasculate a bull elephant at a hundred yards with just a twitch of her eye.
Mick Foley doesn't stand a chance.
I mean, I think Mick is the most incompetent General Manager in the history of Managing things Generally, and even I think Steph went too far.
Here is my reaction to watching Mick Foley's testicles getting crushed into dust on Live TV.
Well, Cruiserweights, you had a nice run...
Two whole weeks. It was fun while it lasted, but the crowd doesn't give a shit about you, no matter how many Topes or Planchas or Suicide Dives you do.
Don't get me wrong, the crowd is stupid, and they don't deserve you, if they're gonna break out in "CM Punk" and "Randy Savage" chants.
One of those men they are chanting for has been dead for over five years, and I'm pretty sure he's more likely to show up than the other one.
Vince is going to pull the plug any second now, and I'd rather you all just pre-emptively hand in your letters of resignation and get Hunter to give you your own show on the Network. It can air Wednesday nights after NXT, and it can be you guys having great matches like you did on the CWC, and also living together in a big house in Orlando, where you stop being polite and start getting real.
Drew Gulak is the Control Freak.
Lince Dorado is the wild child.
Cedric Alexander and Rich Swann are the black guys who do everything together.
Jack Gallagher is the one with the mustache.
TJ Perkins is the softspoken geek who's secretly an MRA guy.
Tony Nese gets mad at Gran Metalik for "not speaking American."
Brian Kendrick is the crazy one who maybe probably pooped in Noam Dar's gluten free peanut butter.
Better than getting "Reverse ChokeSlammed" by Braun Strowman every week.
This is me when the CM Punk chants started.
Rematches On Demand.
So Sasha gets a one on one rematch just because she wants it.
If that was always the case, why didn't she demand it during last month's PPV cycle? Like when Bayley came out and said, "I want a shot at the title, too!" and then they had the triple threat match #1 contender's match that included Dana Brooke for some reason, which ended in a double pin, which resulted in a Triple Threat at Clash of Champions, which saw Dana Brooke interfere half a dozen times and still not get banned from ringside, which led to a wonky finish that kept the status quo, at any point during all of that, why didn't Sasha just go "I want a one on one rematch"?
Because they're making this shit up as they go along, and they suck at it.
My reaction when Sasha slapped Charlotte.
Is it 1998?
Seriously, I wish it was.
I was a lot thinner then, and Raw was actually good.
Ashton Kutcher and Danny Masterston. Those are your big celebrity guest stars.
What, was Jonathan Taylor Thomas busy?
Just turn him face already.
Somehow the 'E made me get tired of babyface Seth Rollins, and he hasn't even turned yet.
They've mishandled this whole thing so badly. And not just Rollins.
Kevin Owens actually seems diminished since he's become champion.
It's been a month since the Triple H swerve, and they're just treading water.
And speaking of useless...
I'm officially a haytah.
So after a losing streak to the Shining Stars of all people, Enzo & Cass didn't have what it takes to beat Jeri-KO.
Until Next Time, I've been Alex Pawlowski
and once again,
I'm sorry for the belatedness of this recap.
You can follow me on Twitter @pawlowskithe4th