By Alex Pawlowski
Welcome to the Superstars Roundup, where I fast forward through 40 minutes of RAW re-runs to bring you highlights and recaps of two terrible five-minute wrestling matches. I will also make jokes.
Occasionally, the matches won’t be terrible, and I’ll definitely let you know the difference.
This week though:
Yikes.
The Shining Stars vs Breezango
The Usos vs The Ascension
Why does this match exist?
Something you’re going to figure out about me pretty quick, dear reader: I love Breezango.
Watch this Q & A thing they did a month ago and then tell me you don’t love them too.
(Pay special attention to how awesome Fandango is at Air Nunchuks and how awesome Tyler Breeze is at everything else.)
Personally, I think these guys are amazing at what they do and they deserve better than to be in a feud with the worst, least interesting tag team in the company: Molten Poop. Sorry, I mean Golden Truth. No, wait. I was right the first time. They’re Molten Poop.
At least this week they have different opponents, but their opponents don’t make any sense.
I don’t even mean that it doesn’t make sense to build a Tag Team entirely around the idea that they come from somewhere, and they like that place very much. Though, that’s true too.
I mean, that both of these teams are heels. We’re supposed to hate Breezango because we’re supposed to like Molten Poop and they’re feuding. And we’re supposed to hate The Shining Stars because they’re foreigners. What’s that you say? Puerto Rico isn’t actually a foreign country? That’s news to Vince McMahon. Okay, well how about we have talk about how great Puerto Rico is and how much the town they’re currently in is a cesspool junkpile piece of crap. And then they can invite everybody to come visit their amazing island! People hate being invited to places! Plus we’ll have them smell a flower a lot, which will make them seem gay, because only girly men like things that smell nice. Says Vince.
So yeah, they’re heels. So how are you going to get them over by having them beat up another heel tag team? How are they going to get any heat either way? The crowd doesn’t know who to cheer for, so they end up just sitting there, confused. I mean, they definitely hate the Shining Stars more than Breezango, but they don’t really like Breezango all that much either.
This match makes no sense.
Anyway, Breezango is in control early, working over Primo with double team offense. They have this new maneuver, where they throw a guy into the ropes hit him with a double back elbow, and then do this:
Yes, they caress each other’s cheek, before doing a double elbow drop.
I love it. It’s so subversive.
Primo kicks out at one, then takes control with a mule kick to the gut. He tags in Epico and they do this fantastic double team move that has so many moving parts and is executed so smoothly, it’s a shame this entire match makes no sense, and therefore the move doesn’t matter.
Breeze runs the ropes, jumps over Primo lying on the mat, ducks under leapfrogging Epico,
hits the ropes, jumps over Epico lying down, under leapfrogging Primo, hits the ropes, right into a gut punch from Primo.
Epico meanwhile has hit the ropes perpendicular to all of this, comes back and hits Breeze with a knee.
Epico continues through, hits the rope one more time and finishes it off with a clothesline.
It’s freaking great. It goes to show that Primo and Epico, if given something to do that’s not as wretched as The Shining Stars gimmick, would be a great addition to WWE’s tag division. As it is, though, they’re in matches that don’t matter, inviting people to an island paradise and getting booed for it.
Fandango gets the hot tag, a bunch of meaningless stuff happens, Primo gets hit with an Enzuigiri and over-sells the hell out of it.
Blah blah blah, some more stuff happens, yadda yadda yadda, Fandango gets hit with the Shining Star, 1-2-3.
The Shining Stars get back on the mic and I’m pretty sure they invited the entire crowd in Columbus to come stay at their house in Puerto Rico. And they still got booed.
Winners: The Shining Stars by Pinfall with the Shining Star
A Perfect Storm of Ugh.
I really don’t care about The Usos, guys. I find their bouncy gyrations to be insufferable.
And The Ascension are just plain terrible.
So if it’s all right with you, I’m just going to do a photo essay of the “highlights” of this match.
Cool? Cool.
This is one of the Usos—I’m not sure which, and frankly, I don’t care—“Dabbing” on Viktor.
This is Konnor, apparently honestly surprised when an Uso (again, don’t care) kicks out at 2.
It would seem more believable if Konnor was surprised at having WON a match.
This is Viktor employing his singles-match strategy from back when Konnor was on suspension:
“Put the other guy in a rest hold until I lose.”
This is Viktor, losing.
Winners: The Usos by pinfall with an Uso Splash.
Final Verdict:
One of the most pointless episodes of Superstars in a while. And that’s saying something.
The actual wrestling wasn’t bad, but none of it mattered. It was just one big bag of who the hell cares.
Rating: 3 out of 10.