If you couldn't tell, I'm a fan of the Royal Rumble -- or at least the optimism surrounding it. It's an opportunity for the WWE in one night to right recent wrongs and put anyone they want in the main event scene. It also gives me the opportunity to go WAY overboard on features (you love it.). My latest? The Redemption Royal Rumble.
I'm sure you're thinking "what in the piss is a Redemption Rumble?" It's a figment of my imagination, pretty much. The Royal Rumble is a prestigious event. An entry means a lot in storyline, but some of these guys weren't given their fair shake, or weren't actually eliminated.
Some were beat down, some no-showed, some were illegally tossed out of the Rumble, some hopped over the ropes themselves. Regardless, there are enough of these situations to fill up an entire Royal Rumble. I watched each Rumble --35 including non-PPV Royal Rumbles-- to prepare for several features this years, and noticed a host of stars that could make this a fun Rumble. Everyone loves to fantasy book, so...tis the season!
We'll organize these as best we can by their actual entrance number. Some are off by one or two, but hey -- it's not real. It's worth noting that MVP and Mick Foley also eliminated themselves, but did so in order to take out other opponents. They're not included.
There are some real heavy hitters in this thing: John Cena, The Undertaker, Bret Hart, Shawn Michaels, Brock Lesnar, Vader, Sid Justice, Kane, Randy Savage, Owen Hart, Mr. Perfect, Andre The Giant, CM Punk. There are also some total jokes-- Bastion Booger, Drew Carey, Michael Cole. Hey, I didn't illegally eliminate these fools, WWE did.
CM Punk as an iron man is an easy pick, and he could easily go coast to coast. Another good bet to go a solid 40 minutes would be Mr. Perfect or Owen Hart, as Shawn Michaels, Bret Hart, Randy Savage all enter the match later on. Late in the match, you get some really scary bursts of momentum, with Lesnar, Vader and Sid all among the last two entrants.
Andre the Giant is placed perfectly at #3, and after a period of dominance eliminating Axel and Drew Carey (and a hilarious faceoff with Hornswoggle), the likes of Perfect, Owen Hart, Punk, Ahmed, Mil Mascaras and CM Punk would eliminate him. I'd imagine Ahmed (via Punk) and Mil (via Owen and Perfect) wouldn't be long for the world either, as one had very little experience, and one had way, way too much. Sorry, Mil, you're doing "the yob" tonight.
Another magical moment of coincidence is Maven at #11 and Undertaker at #14. It would make sense for Taker to enter, and relieve Mosh, Spike, Scotty 2 Hotty of their duties, only to be dropkicked by Maven. It doesn't work well for Maven, who is now 1 for 3 in his attempts. Taker has already beaten everyone else up, and they've retreated to the corners. He really lets Maven have it-- Chokeslam, Last Ride, Tombstone, eliminated. Bo Dallas would show up just in time to break up that fun, and probably be eliminated shortly (by Owen and Perfect). Owen Hart and Mr. Perfect, who had deviously worked together for about 18 minutes, would implode when Owen shows his true colors and eliminates Perfect.
There's a nice stretch of Faarooq, Randy Savage, Kane, Shawn Michaels. Kane would go on his run, and come face to face with the Undertaker. instead of teaming up, the two would end up battling and eliminating each other, taking them out of the equation. The undeserving Michael Cole enters, and is promptly superkicked out of the ring. This leaves, Punk, Owen, Savage, Faarooq, Michaels....and the next entrant, Bret "The Hitman Hart. Bret enters and saves Owen from longtime rival Shawn Michaels. Owen jumps for joy, happy to reunite with "The Hitman," but Bret isn't buying it. He chucks Owen over the top rope, who throws a temper tantrum at ringside. Bret then eliminates Faarooq, who tries to catch Hart off guard, but goes flying over the top.
Test appears, and is made to look strong, clocking all four with big boots. The world class sellers in the ring make Test look like a million bucks, and he hits a pumphandle slam, too. He stands tall until John Cena's music hits, and "The Doctor of Thuganomics" takes TEST to SCHOOL (get it?!) on his way to an elimination. Cena is jumped by the other stars in the ring, which allow Skull and Big Bossman (a really out of shape one -- 1989 version) to enter the fray. Bossman and Skull are quick elimination fodder for an entering Brock Lesnar, as are Shawn Michaels and Bret Hart, who are too busy at each other's throats to notice the behemoth barreling towards them. Bastion Booger slows things down, but gets the living shit kicked out of him by all four wrestlers in the ring and eliminated by Cena.
Finlay, Vader and Sid all follow, joining Lesnar, Cena, Punk and Savage. There's a spot in the middle of the ring where Finlay punches Lesnar, Sid and Vader all in a triangle, and just goes around and around until the heel "Macho King" Randy Savage gets sick of it and breaks up the fun, throwing Finlay out. This puts over Finlay's willingness to fight anyone, and Savage's heel persona (1991 was the year that he's represented as in this match). A battling Sid and Vader are oblivious, and Vader is dumped over by Lesnar, as Savage and Punk toss out Sid. Brock Lesnar lands a suprise elimination, throwing out John Cena before the "final four" faceoff can even happen.
Punk and Savage have fought throughout the entire Rumble, but they know they have to come together against the much fresher Brock Lesnar. CM Punk has been in the match over an hour at this point, just passing Rey Mysterio's record. He'd go on to shatter it, as these three would have a solid 6-7 minutes to battle. Savage would hit Lesnar with a flying elbow smash, but immediately get hit with a GTS by Punk. All three men are down in the ring, reaching the point of exhaustion. Savage goes up top for an axehandle smash on Brock, but Lesnar catches "Macho King" and rams him into the buckles. Savage is hoisted on Lesnar's shoulder powerslam-style, and Lesnar goes to eliminate him. Savage holds on to the rope and is outside on the apron. Punk shocks Lesnar by eliminating him, but from the apron, Savage grabs Punk by the hair, dragging him to the floor! The "Macho King" does it, and after lasting 67 minutes and breaking a record, Punk's hopes are dashed.
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