Welcome to the weekly M.E.S.S. Round-Up.
I watch Main Event & Superstars so you don't have to.
These are the C Shows of the WWE,
but that doesn't mean I can't try to polish these turds into some A+ level jokes.
It doesn't always work out.
Yup. That about covers it.
Let's blow through everything else and get to what is undoubtedly the greatest Tag Match in the history of Main Event or Superstars.
I am not kidding.
If you have Hulu, stop what you are doing and dial up Main Event. Fast forward to the 24:30 mark. Watch that match. Watch the F*UCK out of it.
If you do not have Hulu, but you do have the WWE Network, they put up episodes for Main Event like three weeks after they are taped. I want you to set an alarm on your phone or your watch or whatever for three weeks from now, so that you will remember.
I want you to bookmark this page and come back when you have watched this match so we can talk about it.
EVERYONE MUST SEE THIS MATCH.
Anyway, I guess I have to talk about three stinky other matches before I get to the A.Alpha and B.Zango match. It's like being a kid on the morning of December 22nd and having to wait through three whole days, knowing that Christmas is almost here.
Okay, let's see what Superstars has in store for us:
Golden Truth vs The Shining Stars
(oh, for f*ck's sake)
Rusev vs Jack Swagger
(Rusev is on Superstars? what the hell did he ever do to you, Vince?)
ugh. here we go.
That's okay. You can keep it.
They're having fun, you guys.
LOOK HOW MUCH FUN THEY'RE HAVING!
Molten Poop is taking on the Shining Stars. I really wish they'd take them up on their offer and move to Puerto Rico. Or somewhere farther away, like Madagascar. Or Pluto.
But this is the new era on Superstars. Always keeping you on your toes.
Well, that's a surprise.
Even Primo is stunned that they won.
What the hell happened, Goldust?
Winner: The Shining Stars via Shrug Emoji.
Seriously. Did Rusev run over your dog? What?
What did he do to you, Vince? Besides get engaged, then married, to the woman he loves?
There is no reason this wonderful, entertaining, MAJESTIC motherf*cker should be slumming it on Superstars, let alone nearly tapping out to Jack Swagger.
Rusev, what do you think?
Do you think you should be booked to almost tap out to Jack Swagger on Superstars?
That's what I thought you'd say.
Anyway, the match is decent. Makes me feel bad for Swagger. I honestly think he'd be like the tenth most important singles wrestler on Smackdown, but instead he's on Raw. Actually, he's not really on Raw. He's on Superstars. He hasn't appeared on Raw in months.
The finish is kind of fun, too, with Rusev reversing the Patriot Lock into the Accolade and Swagger reversing that Accolade back into the Patriot Lock.
Rusev gets out of that and hits a big kick and slaps on the Accolade one final time for the victory.
Winner: Rusev via taking time off to go get married in Bulgaria.
Ten bucks says Roman Reigns shows up to ruin this one too.
This week on Main Event.
Jey Uso vs Konnor
Because Jimmy and Viktor have the night off apparently.
What? They don't?
They're literally both standing at ringside the whole time?
They're even wearing their ring gear?
Well, that makes perfect sense.
American Alpha vs Breezango
I Can't Wait I Can't Wait I Can't Wait I Can't Wait I Can't Wait I Can't Wait I Can't Wait I Can't Wait I Can't Wait I Can't Wait I Can't Wait I Can't Wait I Can't Wait I Can't Wait I Can't Wait I Can't Wait I Can't Wait I Can't Wait I Can't Wait I Can't Wait I Can't Wait I Can't Wait I Can't Wait I Can't Wait I Can't Wait I Can't Wait I Can't Wait I Can't Wait I Can't Wait I Can't Wait I Can't Wait I Can't Wait I Can't Wait I Can't Wait I CAN'T WAIT I CAN'T WAIT I CAN'T WAIT I CAN'T WAIT I CAN'T WAIT I CAN'T WAIT I CAN'T WAIT I CAN'T WAIT I CAN'T WAIT I CAN'T WAIT I CAN'T WAIT I CAN'T WAIT I CAN'T WAIT I CAN'T WAIT I CAN'T WAIT I CAN'T WAIT I CAN'T WAIT I CAN'T WAIT I CAN'T WAIT I CAN'T WAIT I CAN'T WAIT I CAN'T WAIT I CAN'T WAIT I CAN'T WAIT I CAN'T WAIT I CAN'T WAIT I CAN'T WAIT I CAN'T WAIT I CAN'T WAIT I CAN'T WAIT I CAN'T WAIT I CAN'T WAIT I CAN'T WAIT I CAN'T WAIT
We're so close, you guys!
My shoulders are tense, Uce.
Konnor gives the best back rubs. It hurts, but it hurts so good.
Sorry, I'm skipping to the end of this thing. No time to lose now.
Winner: Jey Uso via foregone conclusion (aka wrestling Konnor).
And Now I Present To You The Greatest and Best Tag Team Match in the History of Main Event or Superstars. This Should Have Been The Finals of The Smackdown Tag Team Tournament at Backlash and I AM NOT KIDDING.
Okay, so these two teams had a pretty good match on Smackdown last week, as part of the first round of the Smackdown Tag Title tournament for the Blue Raspberry Belts. American Alpha won, because of course they did.
For some reason, they fought again on Main Event this week. Phil Phillips called it "a little bit of a rematch." No, Phil. It's 100% of a rematch.
This match, which will be see by millions less people, is SO MUCH BETTER than their first match, which again, was a pretty damn good match.
Have you watched it yet?
Here, if you have Hulu, watch it here: CLICK THIS LINK AND WATCH IT.
It's so damn good, you guys.
(Again, I'm grading on a curve here. This is Main Event after all.)
(But seriously, I can't imagine that the Tournament Final at Backlash will be half as good as this.)
(If they're planning on having A.Alpha take the titles, then there's no excuse for this not to be the final.)
If you're not able to watch it, I have told the story below in GIFs.
It starts out with Chad Gable wristlocking and drop-toe-holding the holy f*ck out of Fandango, until a blind tag is made.
Jason Jordan's dropkick is more beautiful than a sunrise.
I can't get enough of the way Alpha seems to LOVE working together.
Like moreso than other tag teams. Their exuberance is infectious.
Breezango has transformed so gradually from "guys who got locked in a tanning bed together" to "genuinely great heel tag team" that I hardly noticed.
But they're exceptional at this kind of thing. (More of this later.)
Chad Gable plays Face in Peril very well. Not as good as Enzo, but he's the World Champion at Face in Peril.
He gets out of this and makes the hot tag to JJ, who scorches the earth with the hotness of his tag.
Dropkicks and suplexes and pulling down straps, oh my.
The hot tag is foiled, however, when Breeze gets out of a Doomsday Device predicament, and winds up back in the ring with Gable.
More great heeling teamwork from Breezango as it's Fandango who traps Gable's head for the Supermodel Kick.
Also, Gable is the first to ever kick out of that move.
This match is so great.
One final great heel togetherness moment:
Gable rushing in to make the save after that move is the kind of nearfall that would make a PPV audience go nuts.
Ah, well. Such is life.
Finally the finish, and what a finish it is:
Sunset Flip by Breeze causes a German Suplex to his own partner.
He's able to get out of a powerbomb attempt only to get Belly to Bellied out of his shoes.
Torpedo Shoulderblock in the corner.
1. 2. 3.
Winner: American Alpha via AWESOMENESS.
I hope you liked that as much as I did.
Can't wait for a real feud between these two teams.
But instead we'll probably watch Smackdown keep pretending that the Ascension is a real threat.
Such is life.