Welcome to Tonight's Live Coverage of Monday Night Raw.
Join in the Comments below for our Live Viewing Party.
Tonight, Mick Foley invites Daniel Bryan to Raw.
Also Puff Daddy invites himself to Raw.
Also Randy Orton could show up outta somewhere.
Also Rollins and Balor will most likely talk to each other about whose ass will be handed to whom at Summerslam.
Also the new tag team of Jeri-KO picks a fight with Enzo & Cass.
Also The New Day will try to avenge the crushing of Big E's business by The Club.
Also, just announced, Cesaro vs Sheamus in a rematch of last week so they can do 50/50 booking going into the Summerslam pre-show.
Also Braun Strowman eats a guy, probably.
Also maybe Brock Lesnar will do horrible things to someone.
Come back at 8/7c for all of the action!
HERE WE GO.
-- Enzo and Big Cass are out to start the show. Huge pop. YOOOOGE.
Enzo revisits his whole "hit on Sasha" segment, and how Jon Bon Jericho cock-blocked him.
He says that he and Big Cass are Anaheim Angels on the Stairway to Heaven, and Jericho is on a Highway to Hell.
Classic Rock references.
Jericho's music hits and he comes out. He says that Enzo's mouth keeps making messes and he's got his 7-foot maid (that would be Big Cass, in case you were confused) to clean up after him.
Enzo's got somebody to watch his back, and now Jericho has someone to watch his.
No. Not Jimmin Marvinluder.
Kevin Owens comes out and they both walk down to the ring.
Big Cass makes a Bert & Ernie joke.
Owens says he could relate to Big Cass when they were in NXT together. Both of them had friends who were nothing but dead weight. (Owens's friend was Sami Zayn, just so you're up to speed)
Owens says he doesn't care how tall Cass is, he's going to hurt him. Cass steps to Owens and Owens says, "like I said, Jericho's going to hurt you."
Jericho is like "yeah, I'm going to hurt you" and Cass says "oh really?" and Jericho is like, "Nope. I was totally talking to Enzo."
Jericho then regurgitates the jokes that he used last week, calling Enzo a "Hip-Hop Hobbit" and saying that he's going to get "it."
Heading to break, after which follows....
Jericho vs Enzo
Back and forth to start, with Enzo hitting a Hurricanrana, and Jericho landing a clothesline to take control.
Meanwhile, Owens is gold-plated gold on the outside, asking Enzo how he's doing and landing cheap shots through the ropes when the ref's back is turned.
Enzo gets tossed over the rope, but skins the cat to get back inside, then back body drops Jericho to the outside.
After these messages we'll be right back.
Back from the break and Jericho is right back in control.
Enzo is able to land that jumping from the top rope DDT, then a crossbody and a running forearm.
He follows an irish-whipped Jericho into the corner and eats a boot for his troubles.
Jericho puts Enzo in the Walls of Jericho, but Enzo makes it to the ropes.
Enzo hits a flying cross-body from the top rope, but Owens grabs Enzo's foot to prevent him from going to make the cover.
(the ref is looking at Big Cass for some reason)
After which, Enzo eats a codebreaker.
So Big Cass gets in the ring and removes Jericho's head from his shoulders with a Big Boot, getting his buddy disqualified.
WINNER: Jericho by DQ.
After the match, Big Cass challenges Owens and Jericho to a match at Summerslam.
Rusev and Lana will celebrate their wedding tonight at Raw.
Which means Lana is getting put through a Wedding Cake table and we're supposed to be cool with it because Rusev is a bad guy.
Mick Foley is on the phone talking to Stephanie, who isn't here, talking about inviting Daniel Bryan to Raw.
Sasha enters and FOR SOME REASON REQUESTS A HANDICAP MATCH AGAINST CHARLOTTE AND DANA FOR THE TITLE AT SUMMERSLAM.
Someone tell my why she would do this.
Mick says you wrestle Dana tonight, if you win, she's barred from ringside at Summerslam. If you lose, you get that Handicap match you just asked for.
Braun Strowman vs Another Guy Who Immediately Regrets His Life Choices
Jerell Nelson is his name and he's dead now.
WINNER: Braun Strowman by Pinfall.
Mick Foley is backstage and he greets his old friend Puff Daddy.
Because these guys have definitely met before.
Puff Daddy plugs his new tour.
Xavier Woods and Kofi Kingston show up with a box of Butthole Cereal.
They plug Puff Daddy producing the soundtrack for WWE 2K17.
Puff Daddy, as subtle as a sledgehammer asks, "How's Big E's nuts?"
Mick, Xavier and Kofi are all like, "You can't say that on TV."
Puff Daddy is like "Really? Sorry. My bad."
Xavier invites Puff Daddy to join him and Kofi in a "Get Well" call.
Puff Daddy accepts the invitation.
Titus O'Neil vs Darren Young
Titus offers a handshake to start the match, but Darren Young punches him in the mouth.
Titus wrecks shop on DY until Young reverses an Oklahoma Slam attempt into a Schoolboy and GRABS THE TIGHTS.
Replay shows that Backlund didn't see his pupil cheat to win.
The plot thickens.
WINNER: Darren Young by Pinfall.
Oh, good. Seth Rollins is here to talk for 20 minutes.
I was worried we wouldn't have one of these segments tonight.
Seth says that he thought Finn was a cheap knock-off.
The Jared Leto to Seth's Heath Ledger.
Uh ... Seth?
Seth calls Finn arrogant.
Then he says that he is a Legend that parents will tell their children about.
The irony seems lost on Seth.
This was not a bad promo, by the way.
Sheamus vs Cesaro
This is a"Physical Dominance" Match. The Winner will be determined by which performer gives Mick Foley a violence boner.
Cesaro in control early will a bunch of uppercuts and dropkicks. Y'know. Normal Cesaro stuff.
Sheamus crotches Cesaro on the top rope, takes him off in a fireman's carry and connects with the Rolling Senton.
AFTER THESE MESSAGES WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
Back from the break and Sheamus hits a flying shoulderblock from the top rope.
Several uppercuts from Cesaro, then he thwarts Sheamus's 10 Beats of the Whatever-It's-Called, hits a flying cross-body, and goes for the swing, but Sheamus counters.
Later, Cesaro goes for that slick Tilt-a-Whirl Backbreaker reversal into a Neutralizer but Sheamus has it scouted now. Cesaro then LIMBOS under a Brogue Kick, and Sheamus hits his Irish Curse Backbreaker for a nearfall.
ALERT: A "THIS IS AWESOME" CHANT IS HAPPENING FOR A SHEAMUS MATCH.
Sheamus hits his White Noise. Just a two count though. Sheamus goes up to the top rope, but Cesaro hits a uppercut, then the two trade blows until Cesaro nails a standing dropkick and knocks Sheamus to the outside.
Back inside the ring, and the ref accidentally gets in the way of a running uppercut by Cesaro so Sheamus somehow punches through the ref's head into Cesaro's mouth.
He tries for the pinfall, but the ref is tending to his boo-boo. Sheamus goes to talk to the ref, who says "YOU HIT ME IN THE HEAD!"
Cesaro rolls up Sheamus and gets the 1-2-3.
Physical Dominance was not achieved though.
We'll probably get another one of these next week.
WINNER: Cesaro by Pinfall.
There is an AMAZING Video Package for Brock vs Orton in which Brock says:
"I eat, sleep, breathe and I shit fucking opponents."
He shits them.
IS IT SUMMERSLAM YET?
Dudley Boyz vs Neville & ????
Apparently, on the Raw pre-show, Bubba Ray Dudley challenged Neville to find a partner and come down to the ring for a match.
Who's it going to be? The suspense is killing me!
It's Sin Cara.
That's the big mystery partner reveal.
It's a Superstars main event. tonight on Raw!
Sin Cara gets beat on for a while. It's really boring.
Neville gets the hot tag. It's really exciting.
He dodges Bubba and D-Von running at each other and they collide.
Eventually, Neville hits the Red Arrow for the 1-2-3.
WINNER: Neville and Sin Cara by Pinfall.
Please God, don't bury Neville in a go-nowhere tag team with Sin Cara.
Please God, no.
It's the Wedding Celebration of Rusev and Lana.
Lana and Rusev actually walk down the ramp to Pachelbel Canon in D.
There are a lot of cakes in the ring.
Chekov's wedding cake.
They talk about how we weren't invited to their wedding because we weren't important enough, then say you can experience it with us now.
They show a slideshow of pictures from the wedding.
The crowd chants "BORING" and Rusev, because he is king, says "I appreciate you asking for MORE, MORE PICTURES, but this is all we have to show you, there are no more."
Roman comes out. He says he wants to be Rusev's Best Man. He wants to make a toast.
"I don't need your stupid toast," says Rusev.
Well, how about you accept my challenge for the US Title at Summerslam?
"I will say no to that."
I'm going to do the toast anyway. Insult to your bride. Insult to your manhood.
Rusev attacks Roman. Roman knocks Rusev into Lana, who falls facefirst into the cake.
Roman leaves. Rusev stands there, a ball of impotent rage, as his wife, covered in cake, screams into the night.
This segment happened.
After the break, Rusev is demanding that Roman Reigns pay for this insolence.
Mick Foley makes the US Title match for Summerslam.
Because it you are a WWE Babyface, and you want a title match, just go insult the wife of the champion and shove her into some baked goods, and you will get what you want.
Sasha Banks vs Dana Brooke
This makes no sense.
If Sasha wins, Dana is barred from ringside. If Sasha loses, she has to defend the title in a Handicap Match.
This is a stipulation that Sasha REQUESTED.
I are confused.
Charlotte gets involved early from ringside.
Dana gains the upper hand for a while, but then Charlotte, meaning to slap Sasha through the ropes, slaps Dana.
Sasha hits her double knees in the corner thing and makes the cover for the 1-2-3.
This match seemed like it lasted about 30 seconds.
WINNER: Sasha Banks by Pinfall.
Video package for Finn Balor.
My god, they're really going to keep him out of the ring until Summerslam aren't they.
Balor gives us an Irish mythology lesson. I think it's pretty cool, but I wonder how well it goes over with the casual crowd.
He says he's going to unleash the King of Demons on Rollins at Summerslam.
Gallows and Anderson deliver a pre-taped promo, wearing lab coats, in front of a greenscreened doctor's office.
It is a PSA about the dangers of Ring Post-itis.
It is full of innuendo and testicular puns.
It might be the best segment in the history of Raw.
Luke Gallows vs Kofi Kingston
In the previous segment, Gallows and Anderson said they're going to infect Kofi with a case of Ring-Post-itis.
Kofi manages one tiny bit of offense, a weird spinning senton tope con hiro thing to the outside.
Anderson throws Woods into the ringpost shoulder-first, Kofi goes after Anderson, gets caught by Gallows, and a Firemans-Carry-into-Flapjack later. Gallows gets the 1-2-3.
WINNER: Luke Gallows by Pinfall.
After the match, The Club sets up Kingston for the ring post vasectomy, but they get run off by Woods with a chair.
There is a segment with Goldust, R-Truth and a guy in a Scooby-Doo costume.
R-Truth thinks that Scooby-Doo is trying to replace him as Goldust's Tag Partner.
Goldust assures him that this isn't the case.
They all go eat Scooby Snacks.
I want to slit my wrists.
Mick Foley, wearing a Christmas tie and an ill-fitting suit, invites Daniel Bryan to the ring.
There is a bunch of ass-kissing on both sides.
Mick Foley throws to a video, showing Daniel Bryan making fun of The Universal Title because Daniel Bryan is all of us.
Daniel says he meant no offense, and then makes more jokes about it.
Rusev interrupts (!) and comes down to the ring and calls Daniel Bryan "little man or whatever you are" and says he will crush him. You know, for the honor of his GM Mick Foley.
Then Cesaro interrupts.
I genuinely don't know know what is going on.
Cesaro demands that Title Match that Mick Foley promised him if he beat Sheamus last week.
Mick Foley says, okay, you can have it right now.
Because apparently, in the New Era, Raw lasts four hours.
We go to commercial.
Back from the break and we do introductions for this US Title Match.
Cesaro throws an uppercut party right out of the box, then goes for a Big Swing, but Rusev grabs the ropes and rolls to to the outside.
Cesaro hits a cannonball off the apron, then back inside, a crossbody off the top rope.
Rusev dodges a second crossbody, then targets the surgically repaired left shoulder, throwing Cesaro into the ring post several times.
He does shoulderblocks to the gut in the corner, then a standing elbow drop for a two count.
Stomping and clubbing blows follow, then Cesaro powers through a hammerlock with a bodyslam.
He goes for the Big Swing, but Rusev won't let him, so he just does a double stomp to his ribs. Two Count.
Uppercuts in the corner, then a Tornado DDT. Two Count.
Cesaro sets up Rusev for the Neutralizer, but Rusev powers out. Rusev hits huge kick to the back of the head. Two Count.
Rusev goes for the Accolade but Cesaro JUST STANDS UP WITH RUSEV ON HIS SHOULDERS. Electric Chair Drop. Two Count.
Cesaro his the Springboard Uppercut, then goes for the Big Swing, then the Sharpshooter.
Sheamus runs down, Cesaro deals with him. Rusev hits a huge kick. TWO COUNT.
Neutralizer. TWO COUNT.
Rusev with a thumb to the eye. Sheamus hits the Brogue Kick on Cesaro. Rusev with antother huge kick.
WINNER: Rusev by Pinfall.
Then Roman Reigns runs down the ramp and hits the spear on Rusev, because a man celebrating his wedding should be abused as much as possible.
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