Welcome to the Superstars Roundup, where I fast forward through 40 minutes of RAW re-runs to bring you highlights and recaps of two terrible five-minute wrestling matches. I will also make jokes.
Occasionally, the matches won’t be terrible, and I’ll definitely let you know the difference.
Previously on The Superstars Round-Up: Breezango took on The Shining Stars in a heel vs heel tag battle with less heat than Antarctica, and Cesaro knocked the Bo Train right off the tracks.
On this week’s episode:
Becky Lynch vs Summer Rae
Sami Zayn vs Curtis Axel
She came here to kick lass and chew bubble gum…
Hey, whoever’s controlling the fog machines, feel free to take it down like 4 or 5 notches.
Somebody really put the emphasis on "STEAMpunk" when explaining her gimmick to the pyro crew.
Nattie is out on commentary, like she was on Main Event, and it’s more of the same: “Becky’s a sweet girl, really she is, but I hate her and I hate her stupid ass-face.” Followed by David Otunga asking her the tough questions and her responding with “You play with fire you’re gonna get burned, okay, guys?,” which doesn’t really answer their questions at all.
Here’s a question with no kayfabe answer: Why are Becky and Summer Rae fighting all the time?
Especially when they obviously shop for shorts at the same store.
Pockets-that-don’t-actually-function-as-pockets are totally in right now, you guys.
So Becky kind of toys with Summer for a while until she gets distracted (of course) by Natalya, whereupon Summer takes control and works over Becky for a while. Becky mounts a comeback, hits a Bexploder Suplex, but Summer nails her with a spinning roundhouse kick and this gif will show you the rest.
Winner: Becky Lynch by Submission.
Becky looks great headed into the draft, and if they give her a decent story to work with beyond “This crazy cat lady who I used to know back Japan a decade ago, she went nuts on me for no reason and I now I kinda hate her I guess,” she could be the top babyface female on one of the two brands.
Yeah, so, we just got the news that the WWE is splitting the Women’s division among the two brands.
Now, if they brought up all the top female talent in NXT, I could see that working out pretty well. Bayley is ready, right damn now, to be the female John Cena for this companye. Asuka could have a hell of a match with Charlotte. Or you could let Sasha Banks go full Shawn Michaels and recruit Nia Jax to be her Big Mama Cool Diesel. Reunite Carmella with her boys Enzo & Cass and she’s automatically over as hell (and you can’t teach that). Alexa Bliss could join up with Summer Rae and they could pick a fight with Paige and Becky. There’s literally no limit to what you could do with this group.
But I have a feeling that most of these names won’t be announced on Tuesday, and only one, or maybe two, members of the NXT women’s division are getting called up.
There are only ten Current-Main-Roster Women eligible for the draft. One of which is Alica Fox, who just got back from a months long hiatus. One of the brands could wind up with a not-quite-back-from-injury Naomi as one-fifth of their entire women's roster. Or worse, Eva Marie.
So it looks like we’re in for a trip right back down to “Two-Minute-Match” land.
And that makes me sad.
This is the most boring match I have ever seen Sami Zayn wrestle. How boring?
So boring, I have to wonder if all the Sami Zayn haters are right, and he only wrestles good matches against good wrestlers. Like against Kevin Owens and Cesaro. Or when all the chips are down and the moment is huge. Put him in an eight-man ladder match, and you’re golden. But put him in singles competition vs one of The Social Outcasts and it’s a goddamn snoozefest.
Cesaro wrestled Curtis Axel just last week, and it was entertaining—For a Superstars match, let’s not go crazy here. And Kevin Owens? KO could turn in a great match against a piece of driftwood. Or worse, Eva Marie.
But Sami? He’s lifeless here. He allows Curtis Axel dictate the pace of the match, then just as he’s building momentum, he lets himself be distracted by Slater and gets sucker punched in the mouth by Bo Dallas.
By the way, Bo Dallas is the greatest.
Early in the match, he starts a Bo Train, and the fans boo, but he just beams from ear to ear and yells, “You Love It! You Love It! It’s SO GOOD!!!” And it is.
As for Sami, after walking right into that sucker punch, it’s just this:
Followed by this:
And a little more of this:
I mean, eventually, Sami does comes back and hit a Tornado DDT ...
And he does dispose of the other two Outcasts as they try to enter the ring, and he does put Axel in the corner with an Exploder suplex, and he does nail him with the Helluva Kick ...
And he does get the 1-2-3 ...
But something didn't look right. It wasn't the same Sami.
Winner: Sami Zayn by pinfall.
I used to hope that Sami and KO would be drafted to different brands, since that would keep them apart for a while and each of them could focus on something else. Get each other out of their system.
Now I think Sami needs Kevin more than ever. If they do get split up, they better have a fantastic plan in place for Sami, a real foil for him to have great matches with. Otherwise…
Couldn’t have said it better myself, Christopher-Walken-in-a-swami-hat.*
Becky looked great, Summer got to get some good work in, Bo Dallas was the best part of a match he wasn’t even IN, and Sami looked uninspired headed into the draft. 5 out of 10.
Check out This Week's Edition of The Main Event Recap,
where Cesaro & The Usos take on Del Rio & The Dudleys for some reason,
and in which I pitch a new Brand NewSupervillain for the Vaudevillains to hench for.
Also, you can follow me on Twitter @pawlowskithe4th, and come back for my Live Coverage of RAW every Monday!
And while you're doing stuff that I tell you to do, read this preview of the Cruiserweight Classic that I wrote.
Please and Thank you.
*And yes, I know that's Max Schreck from Batman Returns. I've seen that movie 124 times. Don't @ me.
By Alex Pawlowski