Welcome to the Superstars Roundup, where I fast forward through 40 minutes of RAW re-runs to bring you highlights and recaps of two terrible five-minute wrestling matches. I will also make jokes.
Occasionally, the matches won’t be terrible, and I’ll definitely let you know the difference.
Previously, on the Superstars Round-Up: We watched Becky beat the brakes off of Summer Rae and wondered if Sami Zayn is capable of wrestling a good match against someone other than Kevin Owens. (Spoiler Alert: Not if that someone is Curtis Axel.)
Also, check out this week's Main Event Recap, where we learn that Baron Corbin is not your buddy, guy, and where I fantasy book The Ascension as Frasier and Niles Crane.
Now let's see what's in store for this week's Superstars installment:
Summer Rae vs Alicia Fox
The Usos vs The Dudley Boyz
Let's just get this over with:
This is 1/3 of the Women's Division on Raw. Thanks, Brand Split!
Yes, there are a total of seven women on Raw, and these are two of them. They are about to get squashed by Nia Jax a lot. Sometimes that will happen on Superstars, and we'll discuss it then, but for now, they're facing each other and the outcome means nothing. Yay.
I like Alicia Fox. I like her new Poison Ivy themed ring gear, I think she's very good in the ring, and I think she deserves to be a major player in the Women's Division.
Sadly, I don't call the shots in the WWE. (Yet.) So we're just going to have to be satisfied watching her lose to Summer Rae on Superstars.
It is here where I regret to inform you that Dolph Ziggler is on commentary throughout the show, and, egged on by David Otunga, he has returned to the douchiness that plagued us a few weeks ago. Otunga and Ziggler take turns calling the women in this match "crazy," not to mention other disparaging things. It's bush league, and I hate it. Put the wrestlers over, guys, the job's not that difficult. At one point, Summer is picking up Foxy from the mat by her new Beyoncé-esque golden tresses, and Otunga says "Summer better watch out, Foxy paid a lot of money for that hair, and when she gets mad she goes a little nuts." Imagine Seth Rollins pulling Roman Reigns up by the hair and Otunga saying "Seth better watch out, Roman poured a whole bottle of room-temperature Fiji water on that hair, and when he gets mad, he's on the rag." It would never happen.
Anyway, Foxy looks great in this match. Summer's in control for most of it, but Foxy makes an impressive little comeback:
Frustrated by only getting a two count off that beautiful bridging Northern Lights suplex, she charges at Summer, and gets caught:
Tom Phillips makes a big deal about Summer Rae winning dirty by putting her foot on the ropes, ostensibly for extra leverage, but as you can see from the video, she can't even do that cleanly.
WINNER: Summer Rae by Pinfall
What is it with these Raw women? A couple weeks ago, Dana Brooke was having trouble putting Charlotte's foot on the ropes, and now Summer botches putting her own foot on the ropes. Oh well. Cèst la vie. Have fun probably being irrelevant, ladies.
The Airing of Grievances is Dead.
Long Live the Airing of Grievances.
The Dudleys have been working against the Usos for most of 2016. I have hated it, almost every second of it. I found both pairings to be tiresome and every match to be repetitive.
I've changed my mind. I love it now, and now it's over.
I guess it's true what Tom Keifer, frontman for 80s hair metal band Cinderella, said:
"You don't know what you got till it's gone."
The biggest tragedy of the way the draft shook out is this: The Dudleys are on Raw, and The Usos are on Smackdown. This means we'll never get another Airing of Grievances.
There was one last week on Main Event.
And now a brand new one. Each one unique, like a precious, precious snowflake.
If you never click on another link I post in these silly recap columns, I beg of you, please, click on those links. They are an example of brilliant, perfect heel wrestling.
They belong in a museum.
Bubba Ray is low key doing some of the best work of his career.
During this match, the Providence crowd starts in with the customary "We Want Tables" chant, and what follows is nothing short of amazing.
When he flips up the apron, where I have written "(CROWD GOES BERSERK)," I am not using hyperbole. It is the biggest pop anyone or anything has ever received on Superstars in the history of the show. It might have been a bigger pop than any thing heard on Raw that night. And, as a heel, Bubba Ray knows he can't give the audience what they ask for.
HE MUST NOT.
It's literally beautiful. He has them in the palm of his hand, and he knows it. Look at him turn to Ziggler on commentary and, in character, yell "Watch This!" Two mat veterans sharing a moment of perfect audience interaction.
I love it. And I love Bubba Ray.
And I can't believe it I'm saying this, but thanks to the heeling of Bubba Ray, I ... I don't hate the Usos as much as I used to. I mean, when they start dancing in the middle of a match, I am filled with white hot fury.
But I do like the way they bump, and their double superkick is as close as we're gonna get to The Young Bucks for a while in the WWE. Now, I fully expect to hate them again, as early as Sunday, when they dance all the way through their Pre-Show matchup with Breezango, which will probably make me do this:
But I guess there's always the possibility that I've turned the corner on them forever. It's remote, but I guess it's possible.
I mean, I didn't hate the way this match ended:
So that's a start, right?
WINNER: The Usos via Pinfall
I hope the Dudleys have more to do on Raw than just get fed to Enzo & Cass, and I hope I don't hate the Usos again by Battleground. That way I can save all of my Tag Team hatred for Golden Truth, and let's be honest, they deserve it.
Bubba Ray makes this episode watch-worthy by himself. 7.5 out of 10.
Until Next Time, Superstargazers, I've been Alex Pawlowski, and this is me watching Bubba Ray tell the crowd that they ain't getting nothing: