Welcome to the Live Coverage for
HELL IN A CELL
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On tap for tonight:
Sin Cara, Lince Dorado & Cedric Alexander
Tony Nese, Drew Gulak, & Ariya Daivari
SIn Cara & Lince are wearing basically matching new purple gear.
Nese is wearing some kind of Skeletor Chest Plate to the ring.
He's like Evil Neville.
He's like Neville, but Evil.
He's ... NEVIL.
There's a lot of back and forth fast-paced action until Nese blocks a Tornado DDT attempt by Dorado and deadlifts him up into a vertical suplex position before dropping him facefirst to the outside onto Cedric and Sin Cara.
Back from the break and Dorado is taking the heat from the heels.
He mounts a bit of a comeback against Nese, hot tags are made to Cedric and Gulak.
There's a great spot where Cedric and Lince do Tope Con Hilos and Sin Cara does a Suicide Dive, right at the hard cam.
Cedric gets put in Gulak's Dragon Sleeper but hangs on long enough for Dorado to hit a Guillotine Leg Drop and break the submission.
Everything breaks down with everyone hitting their finishers, until Cedric hits the Lumbar Check on Gulak for the 1-2-3.
WINNERS: The Good Guys
Seriously, just put the title on Cedric already.
United States Championship
Hell in a Cell
Roman Reigns vs Rusev
Even Rusev's ridiculous mutton chop sideburns are majestic as f*ck.
And he's wearing his trunks that say "US CHAMP" on them because Rusev don't give a SHIT.
As the action starts, the crowd start a duelling "Let's go Rusev!" "Rusev sucks!" chant.
While standing on the apron, Rusev gets shoulderblocked into the chainlink, and now Roman is in control.
Or as Michael Cole said "The Big Dog is huntin' tonight!"
God, I hate Michael Cole.
Rusev gets thrown into the steps, Roman pulls a table from underneath the ring, Rusev tosses Roman into the chainlink.
Roman gets bounced of the ringpost, then his forehead raked across the fencing.
Nothing of any interest for a while, Rusev is firmly in the driver's seat.
He misses a running diving headbutt, and Roman takes advantage with some clotheslines in the corner and a big boot.
Roman telegraphs a Superman Punch and Rusev rolls to the outside.
Roman follows and attempts a driveby drop kick, only to be met with a clothesline.
Rusev back in charge now, throwing Roman into the wall of the cell, then wielding the steel steps as a weapon, hitting him twice.
Rusev throws the steps into the ring, sets them up on the top turnbuckle.
He tries to drive Roman's head into the steel, but Roman blocks it, tosses Rusev over the top rope.
Rusev regains control, and long darts Roman's forehead into the fencing.
Rusev pulls a Kendo stick out from under the ring, but gets hit with a driveby dropkick, and now it's Roman's Kendo Stick.
He hits Rusev with it a bunch of times on the outside, but gets crotched as he's climbing back into the ring.
Now it's Rusev's turn, hitting Roman in the ribs with the stick over and over again.
Roman busts out with a big clothesline, two count.
Back and forth, Superman Punch, two count.
Rusev thwarts a Spear attempt with a big kick, then throws Reigns forehead first into those steps on the top turnbuckle from before.
Rusev puts Reigns in the Accolade.
Reigns gets out of it, because of course he does.
Rusev kicks Roman in the head, pulls a big metal chain out from under the ring.
A Roman punch causes Rusev to drop the chain, but he soon gets it back and whips Roman with it for a while.
Rusev pulls ANOTHER set of steps into the ring, Roman fights back, Rusev throws him into those steps, kicks him in the face.
Rusev puts Roman on the Steel Steps, puts him in the Accolade, USING THE CHAIN!
Roman fights out, BECAUSE OF COURSE HE F*CKING DOES.
He gets Rusev up on his shoulders, turns around and Samoan Drops him onto the Steel Steps.
This is utter, unadulterated bullshit.
Rusev stands up on the steps, Roman spears him off of them.
WINNER: Roman Reigns
Bayley vs Dana Brooke
Bayley starts out fine, until Dana starts targeting the "injured shoulder."
She's really merciless about it, too. Good for Dana.
Bayley keeps fighting back, but Dana always lands something else.
Then, of course, Bayley lands a whole sequence of moves that all require the use of the right arm and shoulder.
Including a Bayley to Belly suplex.
Babyfaces stay not sellin', y'all.
Enzo Amore & Big Cass vs Gallows & Anderson
Enzo & Cass do some Boston-specific shtick, and Enzo travels a long way to get to a pretty good Toy Story joke.
The action starts with Cass & Enzo on offense, which continues for a while until Enzo gets turned inside out by a Gallows clothesline on the outside.
And now we have Enzo doing his face-in-peril thing for a few minutes before hitting his jumping DDT from the top rope.
He tags in Cass, who runs roughshod through both men, Big Booting Anderson off the apron and hitting an Empire Elbow and Fall-Away Slam to Gallows.
He gets hung up on the top rope going for another Big Boot, and Enzo blind tags himself in.
He holds his own admirably for a while, but eats a Big Boot from Gallows and takes a Magic Killer.
Cass can't get back in time to make the save.
WINNERS: Big Gal & Andy
Hell in a Cell
Kevin Owens vs Seth Rollins
Super weird that this is going on in the middle of the show, right?
It's not just me?
And Owens comes out first, as the Champ, which is also kind of weird, right?
This whole PPV just makes my eye twitch.
The match starts with Rollins as the aggressor, going after Owens hard.
A Blockbuster gets a two count, and then Rollins pulls out a table from under the ring and sets it up on the outside.
But Owens takes control, and starts working the bruised back of Rollins.
I say "Bruised" because that's what would happen if you were Powerbombed on the ring apron.
Maybe a few cracked ribs.
Cole keeps says "Bad Back" but that doesn't make a lot of sense.
Did he pull a muscle?
Slip a disc?
But I do know this. K-Tape, which Rollins is wearing, wouldn't do jack shit to help protect him.
So why do they make a big deal of Owens ripping the tape off of Owens back?
Because either THEY are stupid, or they think WE are.
Anyway, Owens is still trying to murder Rollins.
He just hit a running Cannonball on Rollins as he laid against he corner of the cell.
He tried the Pop-Up Powerbomb, reversed into a Pedigree attempt, trading all manner of kicks, culminating in a huge clothesline from KO that turns Seth inside out.
KO sets a table up, from the apron to the wall of the cell, at an angle, with the legs on one end stuck through the chain link. He sets that all up ABOVE the table that's already set up, regular-wise, on the outside.
Rollins fights back when Owens picks him up, hits a Falcon Arrow on KO on the Apron.
Somehow that doesn't kill Kevin Owens, and he is able to pull a Fire Extinguisher out from under the ring.
He hits Rollins in the ribs with it, and accidentally sprays the ref in the face with it.
They open the cage door to pull that ref out, and bring in a new ref, but Chris Jericho runs in and gets into the cell, locking it behind him.
Rollins Pedigrees Jericho, and (after some struggles) powerbombs KO through his own table setup.
It's a great spot.
Seth rolls KO back into the ring, hits a huge, beautiful Frog Splash on him and is about to win, when Jericho pulls the ref out of the ring.
Seth takes all of his frustrations out on Jericho, beating him up all over the place, and finally hitting the running powerbomb on him against the Cell wall.
He gets back in the ring and Kevin Owens is waiting for him.
Superkick, followed by a Pop-Up Powerbomb.
Jericho brings in a couple steel chairs and Owens goes to town on Rollins for a bit.
Rollins gets custody of the chair briefly and hits a couple chairshots of his own, but Owens manages to hit a DDT onto one of the chairs.
Jericho sets up the chairs facing each other, and Owens powerbombs Rollins THROUGH THE CHAIRS.
WINNER: Kevin Owens
See, if that had been Roman Reigns who had been Powerbombed through those chairs, he would have kicked out at one.
After the match, Chris Jericho walks up to Rollins who's just gotten back to his feet, and he hits a Codebreaker.
Moving KO onto someone else?
TJ Perkins vs Brian Kendrick
And now, the "Let Me Win The Title Because I Bought You a Big Mac Once" invitational.
This is actually pretty compelling.
Perkins is so much faster, quicker and better than Kendrick, and Kendrick cannot beat him.
At least, not without cheating.
There's a point where Kendrick partially unravels the tape on one of TJP's wrist wraps and then attempts to tie that wrist to the bottom rope.
But the tape doesn't stick and it's obvious that TJP is just holding onto the rope for no reason.
The crowd notices, and it's right there that they turn on this match for good.
They could not care less.
They pop briefly for a couple spots, and nearfalls, but they don't give a shit.
Kendrick is able to reverse something into the Captain's Hook choke, but Perkins gets to the ropes.
Perkins does the same to Kendrick with the Kneebar, and Kendrick also grabs the bottom rope.
Kendrick goes for Sliced Bread, but Perkins grabs the turnbuckle and Kendrick lands awkwardly, hurting his knee.
There's a long beat where it looks like Kendrick is going to have to give up.
TJP comes over to check on his friend and gets a headbutt to the orbital bone for his troubles.
Kendrick locks in the Captain's Hook and TJP taps out.
WINNER: Brian Kendrick
And I am now perfect so far with my Hell in a Cell Predictions, just so everyone knows.
Tag Team Championships
The New Day vs Cesaro & Sheamus
The New Day comes out and they make fun of Sheamus for like 10 minutes.
Sheamus's music hits, and it's interrupted by Cesaro's music.
They still can't get along.
This should be great.
It's going to be Big E and Xavier defending the gold tonight.
Woods starts against Cesaro.
Sheamus interrupts things with a forearm to Woods on the apron, and tags himself in.
10 Beats of the Blah-Blah-Blah.
Cesaro tags himself in.
Sheamus tags himself in.
To their credit, Shea-saro are working well together now, keeping Xavier away from his corner, until, of course, they don't.
Big E gets the hot tag and hits a couple of Belly to Bellies on Sheamus, then a big running splash.
Xavier lands a Tope Con Hilo onto Cesaro and Big E hits a huge powerbomb on Sheamus.
Sheamus fights out of a Big Ending, big slam on E.
Xavier tags in, Sheamus hits White Noise on him.
Cesaro is tagged in.
Rolling Senton by Sheamus, followed immediately by a Double Stomp from Cesaro.
Later, Woods hits a tightrope springboard elbow drop on Cesaro.
Big E and Woods going for the Midnight Hour, Sheamus knocks Xavier off the top rope, goes for the Brogue Kick to Big E, hits Cesaro by accident.
Big E clotheslines Sheamus out of the ring.
Woods drags himself over to make the cover.
There's a bunch more stuff that happens. then Woods gets caught a Sharpshooter.
Big E can't get in to break it up, because he gets hit with Francesca the Trombone by Sheamus.
Kofi hits Trouble in Paradise on Sheamus on the outside.
The ref sees that and calls for the bell.
He does not see Xavier Woods tap out to the Sharpshooter.
WINNER BY DQ: Cesaro & Sheamus
However, Still the Tag Champs: New Day
Oh, good, more of this.
This match was great, don't get me wrong, but I don't know what more there is for these two teams to do against each other.
Hell in a Cell
Sasha Banks vs Charlotte Flair
Each woman has a Mania-level entrance, with "Queen" Charlotte coming out sitting on a throne, riding on a litter, being carried by four beefy dudes dressed as Roman guards, and Sasha coming out riding in the sunroof of a giant Escalade.
The Cell hasn't been lowered yet, and both women are standing inside it looking up as it comes down.
Suddenly, Charlotte blindsides Sasha, knocking her down and out of the ring. Charlotte follows and they brawl outside of the cell, and into the crowd.
Sasha preps the Spanish announce table for something.
Charlotte starts climbing the cage, Sasha follows.
Halfway up, Charlotte jumps back down, grabs Sasha from underneath in powerbomb position and puts her through the Spanish announce table.
The refs attend to Sasha as Charlotte gloats. Sasha appears to be barely able to stand.
They're walking around the cell toward the ramp when Sasha just collapses.
Charlotte is in the ring screeching about how she should win the title now.
They bring down the EMTs with a neck brace and a stretcher.
The match still hasn't officially started.
Sasha is getting strapped into the backboard.
JoJo is about to announce that Charlotte is going to win by forfeit, and thereby become the new Women's Champion, and as soon as Sasha hears this, she gets up from the stretcher, slaps an EMT and gets into the ring.
THE MATCH OFFICIALLY STARTS.
Sasha is the aggressor to start, throwing Charlotte into the cell.
Charlotte is trying to get out of the cell (something dear old dad would have done) but no dice.
Sasha keeps coming, but Charlotte reverses something into something else. (I missed it.)
Then she Monkey Flips Sasha into the cell wall.
Back in the middle of the ring, a suplex on Sasha gets a two count.
Sasha reverses a move into the Backstabber into the Banks Statement, but Charlotte PICKS HER UP and DROPS HER OVER THE TOP ROPE.
Back and forth until Charlotte is looking for something under the ring and Sasha suicide dives into Charlotte knocking them both into the cell wall.
Back in the ring, Sasha sets up a chair, Charlotte catches her with a boot to the midsection, then hits her with some chops.
Sasha fights back with some punches, and drop toe holds Charlotte onto the chair, then follows that up by driving Charlotte's face into the chair. Sasha rushes Charlotte and Charlotte picks her up and SIDEWALK SLAMS HER ONTO THE CHAIR.
Charlotte grabs an arm and a leg and wraps her around the ringpost, back first.
Sasha fights out of it, and Spidermans on to the wall about 7 feet up, then springs back off the wall with Double Knees.
Sasha throws Charlotte into the wall, then pins her there with running jumping double knees.
Back in the ring, Sasha hits the triple suplex on Charlotte to chants of "EDDIE! EDDIE!", then goes up top and hits a Frog Splash.
She locks in the Banks Statement, but Charlotte crawls to the outside.
Back inside, Sasha lays Charlotte across the second rope, then lays that chair from before across the bottom rope, then does her springboard double knees to the gut thing.
Charlotte rolls to the outside, then when Sasha reaches through the ropes for her, Charlotte pulls her by the hair halfway out of the ring, smashes her face on the steel steps.
Charlotte sets up a table on the outside, and is about to Superplex Sasha from the top rope through the table to the floor, but Sasha kicks her off and Charlotte goes through the table instead.
Too much is happening.
A table is set up inside the ring.
Sasha takes a Big Boot gets put in the Figure 8, but Sasha hits her with a chair that she's able to grab.
Duelling HUGE forearms.
DOUBLE BACKBREAKER INTO SPINNING SIDEWALK SLAM FROM CHARLOTTE.
that table is still set up.
Charlotte lays Sasha on it. She goes up top, probably for a moonsault, Sasha crotches her on the top rope.
Sasha moves the table to the other turnbuckle.
She tries to do the running powerbomb, but her back gives out.
Charlotte throws her onto the table, but it doesn't break.
She tries again.
It doesn't break.
So she just does her Natural Selection move.
The undefeated streak at PPVs continues, even if I'm pretty sure that wasn't supposed to be the finish.
Oh, and by the way, I was PERFECT in my predictions.
I CAN SEE THE FUTURE.