Welcome to the First Week of the
OVERCOOKED RAW REFRESHER
In this column, I'll take a brief look back at last week,
and tie those events in with what you can expect for tonight.
Last Week on Raw:
Jesus, what a pile of dog crap.
Stephanie McMahon's idea of a Team Building Exercise is to throw a bunch of guys together who hate each other, including one monstrous mountain of man who appears to derive a kind of sick sexual pleasure from causing humans pain, and then, when they can't get along, she sanctions a match between them all, "to get it out of their system." So that they can them come together as a team and beat Smackdown so that they can win absolutely nothing. And if they don't win the nothing, she's going to fire them all. She's going to fire Seth Rollins and Roman Reigns, her champion Kevin Owens, the most over guy with the most over prop in the company Chris Jericho, and future Ten Time World Champion Braun Strowman. For not winning a match that has no stakes.
All the best parts of last week's Raw all involved Braun Strowman and if you told me that four months ago, I'd have said you were nuts.
But when he growls "I'm on Team Braun" to Jeri-KO, in that glorious voice of his that sounds as though it was dredged up from the bowels of hell itself, it's somehow equal parts frightening, exciting and weirdly soothing.
Can we get Braun Strowman to record a line of audio books? Because I really want Braun to read me a bed time story.
The Five-Way match was fun but ultimately pointless:
But I guess that's the most we can hope for from Raw right now. I mean, unless Sasha Banks is due for her monthly Women's Title Victory, there really isn't any point to any of the crap that happens on Raw. No stakes, anyway.
By the way, when they eventually make Braun into a comedy character (because you know they will), I want it to be as a guy who loves to eat everything. Like Bastion Booger, but with teeth and without the enormous Buddha belly.
Also without the weird asterisk-shaped singlet.
But then, when Braun overhears somebody says "There's huge stakes in the main event tonight!." he shows up at ringside, looking everywhere, under the ring, in the time keepers area, in the front row, because he heard "stakes" and thought they meant "STEAKS."
Wait. No, I was just kidding. I was being ironic!
Nobody show this idea to Vince McMahon!
He'd actually do it. Any man who's comedy-deaf enough to cackle "like a maniac" every time he hears the phrase "Sparkle Crotch" is a man to not be trusted.
I should never have put that idea out into the world. Too dangerous.
Glas-gowing into business for themselves.
Man, that Scottish crowd loves Bayley, huh?
Like maybe a little too much. Like it's uncomfortable for the rest of us to be around. Like when you go out as a group to a big movie premiere or a concert or a sporting event, and you all stop at Applebee's or whatever afterward and there's that one couple that's totally making out at the end of the table. Like really going at it. And it's like, oh that's sweet that they're in love, but seriously, get a room.
Except in this case, that couple is a woman getting smooched by 10,000 rabid drunken Scotsmen (and women) and she seems to appreciate it, but she's a little embarrassed by it, too.
That's what we were all watching last week, and that's why Charlotte was so flustered. Wouldn't you be?
Oh, great. More Unity.
God, why are you making them fight each other instead of having them practice being a team by tagging together to fight all the women who are not on Team Raw and oh wait I just answered my own question, didn't I?
For those of you unclear, this is a picture of all the women on Raw who are not on the Survivor Series team:
Well, no actually, its all of those women in that photo, PLUS Dana Brooke.
Not really sure how much Dana brings up that average, actually.
See, there you go! Unity!
Finally a team captain has their team on the same p---
You know what, screw this, let's move on to a preview of tonight's show.
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