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Let's Check Out What's In Store for Tonight:
As always, these topics come directly from the official Raw Preview on WWE.com:
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Brock Lesnar responds to Goldberg
Which actually means that he stands in the middle of the ring, doing his bouncy deal, as Paul Heyman does the "responding."
But dare we hope that maybe someone interrupts the promo and gets annihilated?
Dare we?
Well, I do dare, and I hope it's Titus.
I hope he comes down, interrupts the promo with his #MakeItAWin nonsense, and gets DESTROYED.
But then I hope he holds a press conference with only Tom Phillips in attendance, and he's wearing a neckbrace.
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Will friendship be tested in Triple Threat Main Event?
Yes.
Yes it will.
Rollins is going to Pedigree Owens and pin him as Jericho does nothing to stop it.
That's my prediction.
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Cesaro & Sheamus battle The New Day before WWE Hell in a Cell
Because the WWE loves to give away their PPV matches for free.
It's like a sickness.
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Can Sami Zayn end Braun Strowman’s destruction?
Um, considering Braun threw a grown man clean over them mountains, probably not.
But it's going to be damn fun to watch him try.
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Who will gain key momentum before WWE’s first Women’s Hell in a Cell Match?
It's either Sasha or Charlotte, not just because they're the two women involved in the match, but also because they're basically the only two women in the entire Raw division.
Also probably happening tonight:
- Bo Dallas and Curtis Axel have a grudge match, or set one up for the Kick-Off Show on Sunday.
- TJP & Brian Kendrick go at it again, boring the masses to tears. Meanwhile super-exciting Cedric Alexander is hardly in the title picture and this division might fold up shop before he can get a real shot.
- Also, Luke Gallows gets a win over Enzo Amore, so we can have 50/50 booking for this feud headed into Sunday.
- Also, stupid, confusing, boring stuff involving Mick Foley and Stephanie McMahon, almost certainly.
HERE WE GO.
CHRIS JERICHO IN THE RING WITHOUT THE LIST.
He says something unfathomable has happened.
Someone has stolen the list.
He won't leave the ring, he says, until whoever stole it brings it to him.
Kevin Owens' music hits.
He doesn't have the list either.
He says the list is stupid (how could he) and that he will help Chris look for the List after they beat up Seth Rollins in their triple threat tonight.
Chris doesn't want to wait, he wants it back now.
He and Kevin start to argue.
Stephanie McMahon's music hits.
She doesn't have the list, either.
She says KO is right, they both have to focus on Seth Rollins right now, but they'll all get the list back together.
Chris Jericho, like all precocious children, knows when he's being patronized, and he rejects their phony offers of assitance.
Seth Rollins' music hits.
He DOES have the list.
He's hiding it behind his back, but still. He's got it.
He says that Stephanie and KO are both on the list.
Neither of them believe that.
Seth says he's going to give Jericho the list back.
But then he doesn't.
In between, he launches into a ridiculous diatribe about all the parts of Kevin Owens that "will never be the same" after their match on Sunday.
He says there are 3 million parts of Kevin Owens, which is weird, unless he's counting individual skin cells.
He leaves, taking the list with him.
Jericho is non-plussed.
______________________________________________
BACKSTAGE SEGMENT WITH SETH AND STEPH
Steph wants to know where the list is.
Seth says some stuff about how Steph never should have turned her back on him.
Then he says he left the list in the locker room.
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________________________________________________
Enzo Amore vs Karl Anderson
Enzo and Cass are out first, but midway through their opening shtick, their mics go fuzzy and then cut off.
G&A come out, saying that they paid off a guy in the sound truck to move a couple wires around.
Enzo use his fist as a microphone, launches into his bit "My name is Enzo Amore, etc" and the crowd follows along, yelling it for him.
Cass follows suit.
This is actually the coolest thing these two have done in months.
As far as the match goes, Anderson, who got creamed in less than 90 seconds by Big Cass last week, tries to take out his frustrations on Enzo, and for the most part, it works.
But while the Ref is distracted, dealing with Gallows on the apron, Anderson leans through the ropes to jaw at Cass and eats a Big Boot, which is honestly a fitting punishment for this act of abject stupidity.
Enzo makes the cover.
1-2-3.
WINNER: Enzo Amore
__________________________________________________
Pre-Taped Rusev Promo
Rusev runs down the list of all the despicable things that Roman has done over the past few months, then says he is not afraid of him.
It is perhaps the greatest example yet of how Rusev is the babyface in this feud.
It is terrific, he is terrific, and I hope he murders Roman Reigns on Sunday.
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New Day vs Cesaro & Sheamus
New Day comes out and says stuff.
COMMERCIAL
Sheamus and Cesaro argue during their entrance.
Ugh. This storyline.
Cesaro starts out against Kofi and there's some respectful face vs face back and forth action.
Sheamus tags in and gets worked over by everybody.
Unicorn Stampede, Sheamus gets away we go to
COMMERCIAL
Back from the break and Sheam-saro are in control.
Sheamus is making sure Kofi has a very unpleasant Tuesday morning, getting out of bed all sore and everything.
Sheamus tags in Cesaro, who goes for a shoulderblock on Kofi in the corner. Misses.
Sheamus tags himself in, Kofi tags Big E, who suplexes Sheamus all over the ring, until getting caught by a backbreaker.
Big E continues to get the better of Sheamus for a while but runs into a front powerslam.
Double Tag, Cesaro hits a huge vertical suplex on Kofi, then Kofi tries a roll-up.
Uppercut Train by Cesaro, Kofi counters with an SOS. Two Count.
Everything breaks down over the next minute or so, Kofi topes directly into a huge Euro Uppercut, and Big E eats a Brogue Kick.
1-2-3.
WINNERS: Sheamus & Cesaro
Oh, good, now we know who's definitely going to win on Sunday.
So glad they showed us this tonight for free.
___________________________________________________
Backstage with Jericho in the Locker Room Looking for The List
The Shining Stars haven't seen it.
Neither has Titus, though he is wearing a very nice Titus Brand Scart.
Jinder Mahal hasn't seen the scarf, but he is willing to teach Jericho a breathing exercise to achieve inner peace.
Jericho doesn't want breathing, he wants the list.
He leaves in a huff.
This had no right to not be terrible. It should have been terrible.
But Jericho is gold plated gold, wrapped in a gold tortilla, smothered in gold sauce.
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DANA BROOKE vs BAYLEY
Dana Brooke apparently demanded a rematch after she won last week.
That is galactically stupid.
Oh but wait, she gets on the mic and says that it's actually an arm wrestling match.
Yup.
Bayley, of course "injuring" her arm last week in that match.
They bring in an "over the top" style table.
The crowd starts chanting "This is Stupid," because it is.
Dana wrestles Bayley's injured arm and wins easily.
She says she'll do it against the other, non-dominant, but non-injured arm.
The crowd starts chanting "Boring," because it is.
Bayley almost wins this round, but gets suckerpunched by Dana.
Dana starts abusing Bayley's arm, but then gets caught in a Bayley to Belly, which of course is accomplished by using her bad arm.
Dana runs away.
____________________________________________________
Backstage with Jericho and Stephanie.
He still can't find the list.
She says, basically, get over it.
He says he won't wrestle, tonight, or any other night, until he gets the list back.
She says if he doesn't wrestle tonight, he's suspended.
Jericho can't save every segment, I guess.
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CURTIS AXEL vs BO DALLAS
Axel's angry with Bo for blindsidedly attacking him last week, and he says, since he's in his hometown of Minneapolis, he's gonna even the score and avenge his legacy, the legacy of Larry the Axe Hennig and Mr. Perfect Curt Hennig.
Bo Dallas enters and right after the bell, Curtis goes right at him with punches and the like. Bo reverses it and tries for the Cross Bodes, but Axel reverses it into the Perfect Plex.
Two Count.
Bo does some underhandy type stuff, but Curtis gets the better of him pretty quickly.
It's all Curtis Axel for a while, but Bo Dallas reverses a knee to the ribs with a roll up.
He DOES NOT grab the tights, and yet, he still gets the 1-2-3.
WINNER: Bo Dallas
Yeah, this is definitely going to be a Pre-Show Match at Hell in a Cell on Sunday.
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_________________________________________________________
Backstage with Jericho looking for the list.
A helpful small bald man directs him around the corner to find the list, being read by Braun Strowman.
He makes Jericho say "please" before giving it back to him.
After Strowman leaves, Jericho puts him on the list.
_________________________________________________________
Pre-Taped Roman Reigns Promo
This whole thing is trash.
Straight trash.
_________________________________________________________
Golden Truth w/ Mark Henry
vs Shining Stars w/ Titus O'Neill
At two weeks, this is officially the longest feud ever fought over fake watches.
It is entirely meaningless and objectively horrible.
Golden Truth wins, but be honest, you don't care what happened.
WINNERS: Golden Truth
The most interesting thing about these five minutes is that we learned that Corey Graves' mom loves Jai Alai.
But then again, don't we all?
__________________________________________________________
Sasha Banks vs Charlotte Contract Signing
Mick Foley says what we're all thinking, that Hell in a Cell might be too brutal for women to compete in.
But, he says, it's a #NewEra and women can accomplish anything.
Then, of course, he launches into a crazy diatribe about how "YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE GETTING YOURSELF INTO! THE CELL WILL SNEAK UP BEHIND YOU AND BEAT YOU UP IN AN ALLEY!"
Charlotte and Sasha both maintain that they DO know what they're getting themselves into, then they yell at eachother for a while.
There is a faint "boring" chant.
They say they're not afraid.
"WELL YOU SHOULD BE!" says crazy Mick Foley. "LOOK AT ME AND YOU'RE LOOKING INTO THE FUTURE! YOU WILL TURN INTO ME! HOMELESS MAN BEARD AND ALL! CHARLOTTE I'VE KNOWN YOU SINCE 1991! SASHA, I KNEW EDDIE GUERRERO AND YOU LIKE HIM A LOT SO I'VE HEARD!"
He eventually calms down, then Charlotte and Sasha sign the contract.
"See you in Boston." -- Charlotte.
"And I'll see you in HELL." -- Sasha
_________________________________________
BRIAN KENDRICK vs RICH SWANN
TJP is on commentary.
They're talking about the TJP/Kendrick backstory and laying it on thick.
Swann does his run around, flippy stuff and then hits a perfect dropkick to the mush.
He hits a running Tope con Hilo on Kendrick as we go to break.
Brian is in control after the break, having driven Swann's throat across the bottom rope.
But Swann comes back, hitting his jumping Frankensteiner and a Tiger Bomb.
Kendrick continues to keep his offense going, his offense being a lot of headlocks and an occasional kick.
He goes for the Captain's Hook, but Swann slips out of it, and rolls him up with a Majistral Cradle.
1-2-3.
WINNER: Rich Swann
I do not understand this booking, but I'm sure they have a great plan for the cruiserweights, and I'm going to trust them.
That was sarcasm.
_______________________________________________________
Backstage Interview Segment with Kevin Owens
He says he's been looking forward to being in Hell in a Cell for twenty years, since he was a kid.
He's going to "dismantle the architect" he says.
"On Sunday, Seth and I are going to Hell, and I'm going to be the only one coming back."
________________________________________________________
BRAUN STROWMAN vs SAMI ZAYN
Braun wants a mic.
"Foley, maybe you didn't hear me, I said I want competition, and this guy ain't doin' it for me."
I'm paraphrasing.
Sami hits Braun in the back of the head, then slaps him across the face.
A little cat and mouse game, then a couple dropkicks to Braun's head as he gets back into the ring.
Zayn tries for a plancha, but Braun catches him, slings him against the barricade, and walks out.
PAY-PER-VIEW MATCH PLEASE.
__________________________________________________
Backstage in the Locker Room with Kendrick & Perkins
Kendrick basically says that if he doesn't win the title on Sunday, that'll be it for him.
But if Perkins loses, he'll get it back one day.
Kendrick realizes that no matter how hard he tries, he's not good enough.
He begs Perkins TO LET HIM WIN.
Perkins walks out.
I honestly don't know.
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___________________________________________________
BROCK LESNAR with PAUL HEYMAN in the ring
We have 20 minutes for this and the Triple Threat.
We may go long.
Heyman sputters for a while, then adresses a "Goldberg" chanter.
Those chants piss Brock off, he says.
This is a lot of talking and saying nothing.
Bring out Jinder Mahal or somebody and have him get F-5'd or something.
They're chanting "Suplex City" (and some of them are chanting Goldberg) but they should probably go back to those "Boring" chants from earlier.
Heyman threatens the fans who are chanting Goldberg, saying that Brock is going to take matters into his own hands.
So of course the sadists in the crowd start chanting it louder.
"How dare you chant for Goldberg in Brock's hometown?"
A "Goldberg Sucks" breaks out, but that's not enough to placate Brock and Heyman, and they leave.
Picture Utter Pointlessness.
Are you picturing that segment? Because you should be.
__________________________________________
Backstage with Jeri-KO
They appear to be on the same page, more or less, but then Jeri-KO is like:
"We're still gonna be best friends, no matter what happens in the match tonight."
Owens is incredulous.
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ROLLINS vs JERICHO vs OWENS
Rollins gets out of the ring, trying to force KO & Y2J to fight each other, but they refuse.
They come after Rollins and Rollins soon gets the upper hand.
On the outside, Jericho forces Rollins over the barricade and he jumps off the barricade with double clothesline or a crossbody I wasn't paying attention.
Rollins throws Jericho over the barricade, Owens works over Rollins until he misses a corner Cannonball and Rollins hits a springboard knee.
Rollins tries for a Pedigree on Owens, then Jericho breaks it up, goes for a Pedigree on Jericho, Jericho back body drops him, goes for the Walls.
Rollins fights out of it, goes for a Pedigree, it's broken up by Owens.
A lot of double teaming on Rollins now.
A double beat down.
Super boring.
Rollins somehow maneuvers to get Owens out of the ring, then hits a sidekick on Jericho, then a Tope Suicida on Owens.
Goes for a frog splash on Jericho, no water in the pool, CODEBREAKER.
Two Count.
Owens back in, hits a Cannonball to Rollins.
They put him on the top rope, were going for a double superplex, but Rollins slides out of it, double powerbomb.
ROLLINS PINS BOTH OF THEM!
WIINNER: Seth Rollins
After the match a doubleteam beat down on Rollins.
They throw him into the steel steps.
Security comes down to break it up.
Jericho heads up the ramp and out.
Owens is slowly making his way to the back, Rollins fights off security and attacks Owens from behind.
He keeps up the attack, won't stop until Owens throws him into the ringpost.
He's about to walk out, but turns around and DOES THE APRON POWERBOMB ON ROLLINS.
