Welcome to the LIVE COVERAGE of
MONDAY NIGHT RAW
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LIVE VIEWING PARTY!
Be sure to check out the OVERCOOKED RAW REFRESHER,
to jog your memory of last week
and give you a full preview of what to expect tonight.
All right, let's light this poop-scented candle.
We Start In The Ring with Foley and Steph.
All of the Survivor Series competitors are at the top of the ramp.
Steph reminds us of how she made all of them fight each other last week, but today is going to be different.
Except ha ha, no it's basically the same.
Sheamus & Cesaro vs KO and Roman
Seth Rollins, Chris Jericho and Braun Strowman vs The New Day
Charlotte & Sasha Banks vs Nia Jax & Alicia Fox
WHAT IS EVEN, WHAT THE F*CK IS
And if they don't work together as a team, Steph says she might replace them for Survivor Series.
WHAT IS, I DON'T, WHAT
Oh, by the way, I should note that Mick almost screwed the entire segment by announcing the match that happens next, before they announced the other two matches.
Sheasaro vs KO-man Reigns
Roman starts against Cesaro, and now I want that Roman heel-turn more than ever so that I can see this match at a PPV level because that would be HOT FIE-YAAAAH.
Roman gains control, holds out his hand to make the tag to KO, but KO refuses.
This was very fun.
Reigns gets worked over a bunch, clotheslined to the outside, KO comes over and gets in his face, Cesaro does a MOTHERF*CKING CORKSCREW PLANCHA onto them.
Tell me again why they're wasting Cesaro in this stupid Sheamus storyline?
Owens is in control when we come back from the break, and even hits an AWESOME Tornado DDT on Cesaro for a two count.
Seriously, like eat your heart out Ultimo Dragon.
He refuses to tag Roman in, which is also fun.
Cesaro is able to make the hot tag to Sheamus, who goes to town on KO, even hitting the 10 Beats of the Blah-Blah. Owens able to ole Sheamus through the ring ropes, and makes the tag to Roman.
Roman vs Sheamus for a while.
But then Roman his a Superman Punch on Sheamus, then on Cesaro, then KO tags himself in, breaking up the "OOH-AH" taunt, only to take a Brogue Kick from Sheamus.
And then Roman Reigns hits a Spear on Sheamus.
BECAUSE OF COURSE HE DOES HE'S THE SON OF ZEUS.
But Owens is the legal man, so Roman drags KO over and drapes him on top of Sheamus.
WINNERS: KO-man Reigns.
Backstage with Y2J, Jericho and Braun.
Jericho preaches unity, and to show he's a good guy, he gives Seth and Braun each a present.
Seth opens it up, it's a scarf. "The scarf ... of Jericho. Try it on, MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNN."
Seth isn't a scarf guy, he says, but thanks. He then leaves.
Jericho implores Braun to try on his scarf, but Braun, WHO IS THE BEST CHARACTER IN THE ENTIRE COMPANY BY A DAMN COUNTRY MILE, points to the scarf around Jericho's neck and says "I want that scarf."
Jericho likes his limbs where they are, so he gives Braun his scarf. Braun tears it in half, says "I don't like scarves and I don't like you."
Jericho is most upset by the fact that he's on a team with two guys who don't like scarves.
BO DALLAS HAS A SCRUFFY BEARD.
WYATT FAMILY EXPANSION CONFIRMED.
He's going to take on Sami Zayn, to prove that he should have been the guy to face Dolph on Sunday.
Bo Dallas vs Sami Zayn
Seriously though, Bo Dallas is growing a beard, (as well as he can) and now I want him to be included in the impending Miz trade.
Bo quickly gains control, and then Sami comes back, hits an Exploder into the corner, hits the Helluva Kick.
The whole match lasted maybe three minutes.
WINNER: Sami Zayn.
Seriously, trade Bo to Smackdown. DO IT.
They're really pushing the idea that Sami might be facing The Miz instead of Dolph Ziggler at Survivor Series.
Personally, I think he's going to face both of them, but I'll explain that on the podcast tonight.
Brian Kendrick Addressing the Cruiserweights backstage.
Everyone hates Brian Kendrick.
Sin Cara even seems to be rooting for Kalisto, though I'm not sure. That mask really muffles his voice.
Kendrick gets in Sin Cara's face and calls him a traitor, so probably.
The New Day comes out and shills all their merch.
Seriously that's the whole segment.
They're still over with the crowd, but this was painful to watch.
The New Day vs Seth, Y2J and BRAUN EFFING STROWMAN
Why do I say that Braun Strowman is The Greatest of All Time.
I don't know, partly because of this:
But also because Duh. Have you ever heard of it?
The match starts with Jericho demanding to start for his team since he's "The Captain."
He gets worked over by Kofi for a bit, gets away and makes the tag to Seth by slapping him in the chest.
Rollins gets the better of Xavier Woods almost immediately.
Hey, member when Braun Strowman was in the Wyatt family and they tried to murder The New Day in deserted field in the middle of the night?
Member? I member.
Rollins tags Jericho back in and Chris gets squished by two successive elbows (from Kofi, then Woods) and a Big Splash from Big E.
He's able to get a boot up in the corner and nail a rushing Kofi, then tags in Braun by slapping him in the chest, and runs away.
Braun takes a few wild swings at Kofi, who ducks them, but winds up on his back, so BRAUN PICKS HIM UP FROM HIS BACK AND THROWS HIM ONTO HIS FACE IN ONE SMOOTH MOVE.
He's the greatest. The greatest.
Strowman squeezes the will to live out of Kofi, makes the tag to Rollins, who gets caught with a knee from Kofi, and makes the tag to Strowman.
Strowman misses a shoulderblock into the corner, hits the post, Jericho tags in.
Braun is on the outside, Kofi does a tope to the outside, gets caught and powerslammed, then Braun runs THROUGH Big E like a Mack Truck through a chain link fence.
Woods performs admirably, but eventually Jericho tags in Braun, who does his Running Front Powerslam thing and pins him.
WINNERS: Braun, Seth and Y2J
After the match, Jericho gets in Seth's face, yelling about being the Captain, so Seth Pedigrees him.
Braun doesn't seem to care either way.
Backstage with Foley, Steph and Paul Heyman
Heyman butters up Steph, then she emasculates him.
Heyman puts over the Brock-Goldberg match, but says that they might not get to Sunday if Brock gets his hands on Goldberg tonight.
Mick gets on the phone and orders extra security.
Charlotte and Sasha in the locker room.
Charlotte says that she's the captain and Sasha needs to get over all of her jealousy.
The champ says she wants all the credit if Team Raw wins, and Sasha reminds her that if they lose, she gets all the blame.
Brian Kendrick vs Sin Cara
Kendrick attacks before the bell, beats him down. Ref separates them, starts the match, Kendrick immediately attacks as well.
He beats him down some more, tries a Tornado DDT but Sin Cara reverses it into a Northern Lights Suplex for two.
Kendrick immediately regains control for a while, then Sin Cara is able to hit a couple Suicide Dives, before Kendrick sidesteps one and sends Sin Cara headfirst into the barricade.
After the break, Kendrick is still in control, then Sin Cara hits some power moves, a Tilt A Whirl Backbreaker and A Sitout Powerbomb, both for nearfalls.
Later, Kendrick is about to be Frankensteiner'd or whatever, but he pushes Sin Cara off the turnbuckle and then locks in the Captain's Hook.
Sin Cara, mask askew, has to tap.
WINNER: Brian Kendrick
Backstage with Enzo & Cass and Gallows & Anderson
I'll spare you.
They argued and insulted each other.
Most of the jokes fell flat.
For some reason, they are teaming together to take on The Shining Stars & Golden Truth.
Brock and Goldberg Segment.
There are ten security guys in the ring, because that is apparently "extra" security. They are standing in a line, bisecting the ring diagonally. Five of them face one direction, the other five face the other.
This is hilarious to look at.
Brock is out first, Goldberg next, to deafening Goldberg chants.
Maybe they should have done that Minneapolis segment in Buffalo, huh?
Heyman starts, and Goldberg interrupts, twice.
He says they should get all the rent-a-cops out of the ring, so that he and Brock can "get it on."
The Goldberg chants are intermittent, but overpowering.
Heyman says that the "rent-a-cops" are out here for your protection, Bill.
Heyman starts running down the list of guys that Brock has conquered.
Goldberg interrupts and says that "there's a long list, but I ain't on it."
Goldberg gives a great promo, in a southern accent that I somehow didn't know he had.
Heyman interrupts again and Goldberg says "next time you open your mouth, I'm gonna rip off your head and I'm gonna feed it to him."
So then Heyman opens his mouth again and Goldberg does none of that.
Heyman gives a decent promo, about Fantasy Warfare, and then Goldberg rips off his shirt, Heyman continues, says that Goldberg's son is going to call Brock Daddy, and then Goldberg demolishes most of the security crew, scares the final three out of the ring.
Brock, now on the apron, tears his shirt off, feigns getting into the ring, but doesn't.
He backs up the ramp, smiling. Goldberg basks in the adulation of the crowd.
Oh, by the way, Goldberg looks great for almost 50, but he's lost about 35 pounds of muscle in the last dozen years.
I fear for his safety on Sunday.
Charlotte & Sasha vs Nia Jax & Alicia Fox
Bayley is on commentary, putting over the history of Survivor Series.
Dana comes out with Charlotte, so you know she's booked to get involved in some way.
Nia immediately tags herself in, and Charlotte wants no part of her, goes to tag Sasha, who gets off the apron, forcing Charlotte to take her on.
Nia runs through her a few times, Sasha gets tagged in, and fights admirably, but eventually runs into a moving brick wall.
She rolls to the outside and Charlotte is incredulous.
So I was out of the room during commercial and when I came back Charlotte and Sasha were throwing 'bows at each other.
I don't know why, and I don't know where the remote is so I can't rewind.
I also don't care. They eventually stop fighting long enough for the match to continue.
Anyway, Sasha reverses a flying crossbody by Alicia into the Banks Statement and Charlotte hits a big boot on Nia, keeping her out of the ring.
WINNERS: Charlotte & Sasha
After the match Sasha & Charlotte continue to argue, so Bayley comes down trying to get them to hug it out.
She is unsuccessful.
Backstage with Mick Foley.
He congratulates the Raw SS Men's team on not murdering each other.
He also says he wants them to stick around for the Authority Summit Meeting, "and watch the fireworks."
Jesus this is going to blow.
Enzo & Cass do their shtick.
They explain that they are both team with and fighting against people that they are going to be partners with on Sunday.
They explain it as though they are talking to a five year old.
It still doesn't make any f*cking sense.
E&C and G&A vs Shining Stars and Golden Truth
For god's sake they are stalling for time so much that every team gets a full entrance.
Watch them go to commercial within the first two minutes of this match.
Starts with Enzo vs Epico, Big Cass gets tagged in, deposits both S.Stars over the ropes, Golden Truth gets in the ring for no reason, shitcans G&A and they have a stalemate with Enzo & Cass, because babyfaces can't attack one another if they're far enough down the card, I guess.
Commercial. I think it was at about the 2:05 mark, but close enough.
Back from the break, and ... oh who gives a damn.
More stuff happens.
Big Cass gets a hot tag.
Some other stuff happens.
Cass and Anderson work together.
Magic Killer on Primo.
Gallows teases tagging Enzo for the Rocket Launcher, but then he doesn't.
He covers Primo himself.
WINNERS: E & C & G & A
And Now, Your Main Event:
AUTHORITY FIGURES ARGUING
Once all four of the authority figures are in the ring, then the fireworks really start.
Shane and D-Bry pander to the crowd and promote Smackdown's 900th episode.
Shane flat out says that "Smackdown is a better show than Raw" and the crowd breaks into a Yes chant, to which she says "You guys are at Raw."
She does call Shane onto the carpet for saying SD Live is the land of opportunity, yet he took a spot in the Survivor Series match.
She got a point, tho.
There's more general bickering, which eventually leads to someone saying
"So I guess we'll see who's the better brand on Sunday."
"Yeah, I guess we WILL see on Sunday."
"Yes, Sunday is the day on which we will ALL see."
"Indeed, the day of seeing is Sunday."
So then Steph brings down Team Raw, who all get in the ring and intimidate D-Bry and Shane.
D-Bry is like, you didn't think we came without back up, did you?
Then the Smackdown team comes out of the crowd, all wearing matching Smackdown t-shirts.
Owens and AJ Styles have pretty cool promo battle.
They even use the fractured relationship between AJ and Jericho back in April as fodder for this feud.
AJ Styles makes the list. So does his haircut.
Jericho points to Ellsworth on the apron and says "What the hell is that!?"
"Attention, we have a lost child at ringside."
Jericho puts Ellsworth on the list.
Bray Wyatt gets in Braun's face, says on Sunday, "Team Smackdown wil destroy the monster that I created."
Rollins says that Shane bit off more than he could chew, that he and Reigns are unstoppable when they work together.
So then Ambrose attacks Rollins.
Brawl gets set off.
A lot of individual spots, and Roman and Rollins stand tall.