APRIL FOOLS
- Stephanie McMahon comes out and makes an April Fools joke before putting over that women are headlining WrestleMania.
- Psych. She announces that the main event of WrestleMania will be a "Winner Takes All" match.
THE BEAST SLAYED
- Paul Heyman goes off about Seth Rollins and says that Brock Lesnar will VIOLATE him. Woah bro.
- Heyman says that Rollins is just an afterthought to Lesnar.
- Rollins' music hits to a big pop. He says that nobody wants Brock Lesnar there.
- This gets a giant ovation.
- Lesnar bumps Rollins and gets attacked in the PENIS. MULTIPLE TIMES. Rollins ate a German suplex in there, too.
- Stompski.
- Backstage, Seth Rollins says that Brock Lesnar deserved what he got.
Divas Of Doom & Boss N' Hug Connection defeated IIconics and Samoan Slaughterhouse
5.25/10
- Beth Phoenix looks every bit as awesome as she did before retirement. Surreal to see Beth Phoenix in the ring. I love it.
- Sasha and Peyton NOTTTTTTTTTT on the same page. Bold of Boss N' Hug to go for the battering ram dropkick again, but they did.
- Beth tags in to a pop. Billie lands on her feet on a double hiptoss and hilariously tries to run to the corner.
- Beth does a great elevated knuckle lock to put over her strength.
- Taunting in the middle of a match doesn't make a lot of sense, but IIconics do it.
- There's some miscommunication teased between the babyfaces as Sasha tags herself in, and later Beth does the same.
- Beth Phoenix looked better than anyone in this match besides not pinning on a powerslam attempt. She puts Tamina through the barricade, and the babyfaces sell it well.
- Beth wins with a Glam Slam on Peyton. This match really recovered, and Beth Phoenix carried it.
I WALK ALONE
- Back in my day we walked FIFTEEEEEEEEN MILES (in the show!) inside this pit of danger!
- Dave Batista just shows a video of him beating Triple H a lot.
- He tells Triple H to kiss his ass. That's it.
- Batista tells the crowd (his home crowd) goodbye.
Backstage Crappenings
- Elias is walking the streets, running down his WrestleMania duties.
- Alexa Bliss was touting her booking abilities. Tyler Breeze has short hair. EC3 is laughing about Weekend Update. Braun shows up and intimidates two people watching it. This was FANTASTIC.
- Wow Drew hit Roman so hard his sideburns now start on top of his head. Drew attacked Reigns. Roman Dry Hair Reigns tonight.
Lumberjack Match
Apollo Crews defeated Jinder Mahal
(N/A Short)
- That trophy is yellow.
- A lot of the participants are ringside. EC3 is statueing.
- Apollo Crews looks great in this match. A nice frog splash gets the win
- Everyone tries to get a photo op and a brawl breaks out.
- TIME TO MAKE A STATEMENT. Everyone throws everyone else out.
- Was this a lumberjack match? Or.
- Kurt Angle comes out and gets emotional bidding farewell to Raw.
- A fantastic video airs of Kurt Angle. WWE production does so well with these.
- Getting chills watching this Kurt Angle tribute video. The era of Angle, Lesnar and Benjamin got me interested in amateur wrestling and shaped the style of wrestling I'd enjoy for years after.
- Baron Corbin comes out and talks about how out of shape and old Kurt Angle is.
- Baron Corbin is playing this very well. This is one of his best promos.
- Kurt Angle challenges Corbin to an exhibition, but Baron declines.
- Rey Mysterio shows up and says he'll challenge Baron Corbin.
- Corbin attacks, but Rey and Angle take him out. They do the Steiner pose.
- Baron Corbin looked like he was getting a little teary eyed during that promo, too.
Raw Tag Team Championship
The Revival (c) defeated Ricochet & Aleister Black via countout to retain the titles
6.5/10
- Uh wow. These sound effects in the Ricochet & Aleister Black theme.
- Commentary set up this match pretty well.
- This wasn't the paint by numbers Ricochet & Black match we've seen in recent weeks.
- There's a nice Ricochet double rana that he almost ate shit on.
- Dawson hit a great Northern Lights suplex.
- Ricochet's hot tag is exceptionally toasty -- complete with an outstanding neckbreaker.
- Dash Wilder hit one of the best Gory Bombs ever. Ricochet kicks out.
- Wilder does a tornado DDT to the floor! Wow! Ricochet flips outside onto them, but Dawson holds his foot to get the countout win.
- Black hits Black Mass after the match on both.
Ronda Rousey, Charlotte Flair & Becky Lynch defeated Riott Squad
5.25/10
- We see promos from Charlotte, Ronda and Becky. Ronda does really shitty shadow boxing.
- If anyone turns on the other, they're out of their Mania match.
- Becky tags Charlotte hard.
- Becky gives and takes some tough strikes.
- I love the Viking deathlock that Logan does.
- Becky goes at the whole team, but has to tag out to Rousey.
- Rousey is in Charlotte's face, but armbars Liv for the win.
AFTERMATH
- Rousey immediately attacks Charlotte.
- Security gets THEY ASS BEAT by all three girls. Cops come out.
- They cuff Rousey and Charlotte SLUGGED Ronda. Becky too.
- They're all cuffed and are kicking at each other.
- There's pretty stiff spots with all of them, but they're taken backstage and put in cars.
- Becky and Ronda end up in the same car and kick each other!! Ronda kicks out a window!
- Rousey GETS IN A CAR AND RUNS IT INTO ANOTHER CAR WHILE CUFFED. WHAT.
- Rousey is out the window yelling, and Charlotte knees her in the face! This was sick.
- I don't know that I have howled with laughter more than this. Wow.
- This was a fantastic go-home segment.
Heavy Machinery defeated Roode & Gable
5/10
- Six days from Mania. Why are these in a tag match instead of a battle royal preview?
- Well either way, Otis hits a Caterpillar but Gable breaks up the pin.
- Lacey Evans comes out and distracts everyone
- The Compactor pins Gable.
- WOOF.
- Roode looks upset.
- Teasing Roode as a singles is a good way to get everyone good and uninterested again
Braun Strowman crushes a coupla Jobbers
SQUASH
- Braun jobs these poor souls out and tosses them over the top rope.
- Strowman mows them both down. SQUISHERS FOR BOTH.
- Double powerslam. That's it.
DEMON
- Bobby Lashley and Lio Rush are interviewed.
- Lio Rush says Balor's win was a fluke.
- Balor is bringing the demon. That was cornier than the shit I take after eating a KFC Famous Bowl.
Baron Corbin defeated Rey Mysterio
4.5/10
- Corbin is announced as DC's favorite son. He's from Kansas.
- Mysterio huracanranas Corbin over the top and gets caught with a punch.
- We come back to see Corbin ripping off the mask of Mysterio.
- This match is dead as shit. Mysterio is favoring his leg and ankle.
- Rey comes back, but gets flapjacked.
- This match sucks. Snail's pace.
- Rey comes back with a springboard headscissors and a tilt-a-whirl DDT
- 619 hits, frog splash doesn't. Deep Six. That's it.
- WOOF.
- Not sure why Baron Corbin needed to beat the top contender for the U.S. Title before Mania.
- Angle applies the Ankle Lock on the ramp. What a lame closing segment.
Rating guide
10- Perfect, 9- MOTY Territory, 8- Excellent, 7- Great, 6- Good, 5- Average to above average, 4- Slightly below average, 3 or below: Poor
Each match starts at a 5 and slides up and down based on entertainment, execution, time, environment, reaction and stakes. The ratings are in no way an indication of a "star rating," which is a completely different system. A standard, non-offensive "TV match" lands at a 5.The gap between 5.75-6 is generally the largest, with anything reaching 6 being recommended viewing.
These are opinions, and incredibly inconsistent ones. Don't take them too seriously, and have (and share) your own!
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