So earlier this week, it came out that Tri-Star pictures has a biographical movie about Vince McMahon in the works.
There was apparently a script that got passed around a couple of years ago which garnered some interest, but nobody would touch it unless they had an agreement with Vince that they would have the WWE's support. Producer Andrew Lazar bought Vince's life rights, and now it's game on.
But of course, there would need to be approval from the McMahon family on all the details of the script before filming ever began.
Let's just say, there's bound to be some re-writes.
Because there's (ahem) NO CHANCE IN HELL this thing gets approved by the McMahon family.
Or if it does, they are legitimate crazy people.
This summary came out of a report in PWInsider, who talked to sources who had seen an early version of the script.
Writer David Bixenspan got a copy of the script e-mailed to him and he Tweeted out some actual passages. They are BATSHIT INSANE.
Here we go:
The script starts in the 1970s with Vince McMahon (being talked down to by his father), already married to Linda, who is working as a waitress in a strip clup.
Oh we're just getting warmed up.
There is also a scene in the strip club where Linda tells Vince she is pregnant (with Shane) and Vince says the mother of his child won’t work in such a place.
Or, as he says in the script:
Goddamn, pal. pic.twitter.com/fWTGXRv4w5— David Bixenspan (@davidbix) April 28, 2017
Goddamn, pal. pic.twitter.com/fWTGXRv4w5
— David Bixenspan (@davidbix) April 28, 2017
They start to leave and when the manager (or bouncer, it's unclear) tries to stop Linda, VINCE MCMAHON CHOKES HIM OUT. Linda McMahon is so turned on by this incident of violence that she HAS SEX WITH VINCE RIGHT THEN AND THERE.
Movie Linda McMahon also takes Vince to a drag club, screws him next to a bouncer he choked out, and makes him go down on her for an hour. https://t.co/Fj1bHGROLK— David Bixenspan (@davidbix) April 28, 2017
Movie Linda McMahon also takes Vince to a drag club, screws him next to a bouncer he choked out, and makes him go down on her for an hour. https://t.co/Fj1bHGROLK
Let's continue, shall we?
So after Vince buys the WWWF from his dad for a million dollars, he discovers Junkyard Dog working on a construction site, Roddy Piper IN JAIL, and Jimmy Superfly Snuka WORKING AS A PORN ACTOR.
I am not lying to you.
All of this, of course, never happened in real life, but it sure as shit does in the script.
Ctrl+F “animal” pic.twitter.com/GchPgxVcjH— David Bixenspan (@davidbix) April 28, 2017
Ctrl+F “animal” pic.twitter.com/GchPgxVcjH
This is the part where Jimmy Snuka is a porn star for some reason pic.twitter.com/J8JXCc98Dr— David Bixenspan (@davidbix) April 28, 2017
This is the part where Jimmy Snuka is a porn star for some reason pic.twitter.com/J8JXCc98Dr
Oh, and also, Vince discovers Andre the Giant working AS A CHEF IN A RESTAURANT IN MONTREAL.
NONE OF THESE PEOPLE APPARENTLY EVER WRESTLED BEFORE VINCE DISCOVERED THEM AND TRAINED THEM.
Because what is truth, really? Isn't it just a suggestion of a limited construct?
I mean, really.
Oh, and hey, remember how Linda got so hot and bothered by watching her husband assault a guy that she just had to do him right then and there?
There's also apparently a scene in the script where a female wrestler propositions Vince and he then tells Linda about the indecent proposal in front of the female wrestler, and she responds by taking him into the bleachers in Madison Square Garden and "doing the job herself."
Yeah, didn't you know? The future Head of the Small Business Administration under Donald Trump had a thing for exhibitionist sex and a filthy mouth, too.
For once in my life, I am speechless. All hail. pic.twitter.com/IxBJSRSpAe— David Bixenspan (@davidbix) April 28, 2017
For once in my life, I am speechless. All hail. pic.twitter.com/IxBJSRSpAe
At least, according to this script, if you were to "try some butt stuff" with Hulk Hogan, you'd barely feel it.
I LOVE LIFE. pic.twitter.com/8sIeKpHq4z— David Bixenspan (@davidbix) April 28, 2017
I LOVE LIFE. pic.twitter.com/8sIeKpHq4z
Yeah, so steroids figure greatly into the script, with Piper and Randy Savage getting into a roid-rage fueled brawl on an airplane in mid-air.
Like one does.
And also, this little gem of a scene, in which Jesse The Body Ventura accuses Jake The Snake Roberts of using up all of his concealer and tries to f*cking MURDER HIM.
If we do a live reading of the awful Vince script, what would it take to get @JAdomian to volunteer his services? pic.twitter.com/csW7spLPid— David Bixenspan (@davidbix) April 28, 2017
If we do a live reading of the awful Vince script, what would it take to get @JAdomian to volunteer his services? pic.twitter.com/csW7spLPid
The steroid trial is a central piece of every draft of the script. They change the date of Vince Sr.'s death, bumping him off during the trial (he really died years earlier, before WrestleMania I), and Vince Jr has a scene were he makes amends with his father, leading to a dramatic monologue on the witness stand, where he says “the government shouldn’t be in the business of his and other blue collar people.” The jury immediately clears him of all charges.
Of course, all of Vince's (many, many, MANY) infidelities have been exposed during the trial, and his family is upset with him, but they tell him that since everyone in America (except the jury, I guess?) thinks he's a terrible person now, he should just run with it and become the biggest wrestling heel of all time. This is how the "Mr. McMahon" character comes to be. Which means the Montreal Screwjob never happens.
(okay, so SOME of the things in this draft might get approved by Vince)
Before we move past the courtroom drama, I should mention that there is a scene (a "great" scene, by some accounts), where Shane and Stephanie are being made fun of in school about their father and the trial, so they BEAT UP THE BULLIES IN THE SCHOOL HALLWAY, SMASHING THEIR FACES INTO LOCKERS AND EVERYTHING. Or, in other words, “a scene right out of a pro wrestling battle.”
Bixenspan divulged one more scene from the film, which I think is my favorite:
Ctrl+F “jacked” pic.twitter.com/B0aladflwa— David Bixenspan (@davidbix) April 28, 2017
Ctrl+F “jacked” pic.twitter.com/B0aladflwa
Because with all the blatant fictions in this movie, I hope that one is true. I hope Vince McMahon pitched the idea for No Holds Barred to Hulk Hogan during a coke-fueled weightlifting session.
There are other crazy details in this thing--at one point Macho Man assures Vince that he would never think of touching Stephanie and then it's never brought up again in the movie, which just seems odd--but those are the main bullet points.
However, I have just been e-mailed several "deleted scenes," stuff that was apparently too crazy, too salacious, too unbelievable to be included in the final product, and I will be divulging those "deleted scenes" (which are totally real) at a later time.
Again, these "deleted scenes" will not be a parody in any way of this already ridiculous script.
View the discussion thread.