The Undertaker not showing up on Raw to accept Cena’s WrestleMania invitation was not just a kick in the jorts to John, but a kick in the communal jorts of the WWE Universe. With as much hype as this angle was given over the past month and a half it’s understandable people are bummed, but there are plenty of understandable reasons as to why The Phenom never accepted the challenge. Cena wants to claim lack of testicular fortitude or self-centeredness, but this isn’t an Ultimate Warrior onion we’re peeling with one layer here - we’re peeling an onion that saunters out with a flock of humming druids or carries a motorcycle through a desert and shit. Now some may seem a little crackpot (left-handed cigarettes were not a factor), but I assure you, each theory carries its own weight of validity.
DDP is still stalking him
Sure, it’s one thing if your now ex-wife was a victim (the tattoo is gone, the regret always stays), but motives change and so does the body. Taker’s entire body has been his Achilles heel these past few years and if last year was any indication, it is indeed broken down. So who do we know happens to have yoga program that has proven to resuscitate such humors? In a true sense of irony, it’s none other than aforementioned stalker, Diamond Dallas Page.
You can bet The King of Badabing has been casing Taker’s joint in hopes to just get a whiff of that “Mean” Mark Callous thermaldahyde in one of his DDP Yoga studios. The fanfare Page would get by corralling that undead specimen into doing a few Road Warrior positions would be unprecedented. You best believe DDP’s sopping up all the wash clothes in the Positivity house with chloroform right now ready to head down to NOLA for some Wrestle(un)Consciousness.
He’s more of a Limp Bizkit guy.
It’s been Kid Rock gets inducted into this, and Kid Rock sings the theme for that. Well maybe, just maybe Undertaker is sick and fucking tired of Kid Rock like 95% of the global population is.
The last thing Kid Rock actually did credible was either (a) Taker’s “American Badass” theme or (b) play the villain in Joe Dirt. Maybe he wishes it was Fred Durst joining the Donald Trump and Mr. T wing of WWE’s hallowed halls instead. Maybe he wishes it was Chocolate Starfish and Hot Dog Flavored Water getting all the praise instead of Kid Rock’s paper weight he calls a new album (Taker also still buys CDs, I can guarantee you.) “My Way” is the soundtrack to the one, true greatest video package in WrestleMania history so it’s not a far leap to fathom that wrestling’s greatest gimmick could give a rat’s ass about some dude from Detroit wanting to be a cowboy.
He’s fucking dead, people.
Probably the most obvious one considering his moniker and all. When’s the last time you’ve seen anyone deceased flick on a television or clear their iCloud storage? I’ve yet to see it. Kind of hard to tackle such menial tasks when you’re not breathing. All we’ve seen Taker be concerned with recently is trying not to look like Rip Torn again and avoiding his wife’s Instagram. We can’t fault him for that. With the exception of a Tupac hologram, that’s more than anyone who resides in a casket has done previously.
His WWE Network free trial has run out.
If you’ve ever been a fan of wrestling (which if you’re not why are you reading) you’ll know that one’s fandom can peak and valley. Maybe Taker signed up for his free month around Royal Rumble to see his special gal make a special return and then just let it die on the vine. I’m also not ruling out that the Taker household errs on the side of thriftiness so autopay was not even a factor in checking account (plus how can you have a checking account when you’re dead, riddle me that.) If anything, he bought one of the prepaid cards when grabbing some Skoal at Wal-Mart and that was that. What else does he have to watch the Network for? He lived that life already (or didn’t, again, he’s dead) so no reason to revisit.
He gave up technology for Lent.
This one makes total sense from a timeline standpoint. Not to brag, but I gave up Facebook once for Lent and I felt like a million bucks not being under Zuckerberg’s watchful big brother eye for 40 days. Taker might have went that same route. Just totally went off the grid up until last Sunday, chomping at the bit to eat a little ham, some Cadbury Mini Eggs and pop in Disc 2, Season 3 of Walker Texas Ranger (Taker’s definitely a DVD guy.) Then lo and behold he tunes into Raw on Monday and witnesses that dick Cena talking shit.
I can just picture it now, seeing him calmly dust the peanut shells of his denim covered exterior after fast forwarding his DVR through one of the three “Stephanie putting Ronda through a table” recaps to get some of his gear situated (whichever one that may be.)
The hope is still there people, the hope is still there.
Follow Dominic on Twitter @DominicDeAngelo or visit his website, keystonestatement.com
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