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WELCOME TO THE CHRIS AND KEVIN SHOW
That's how KO and Chris Jericho start the episode.
Kevin says he had no idea that Chris was going to do what he did last night.
That Codebreaker hurt, KO says, but not as much as when he thought he lost Jericho as a best friend.
Jericho says that Codebreaker says hurt him a lot more than it hurt Kevin.
But he had to make the mutton-heads believe that he wasn't still friends with Kevin, so he could spring his trap.
He also accuses Santa of stealing his gimmick, making lists, and he puts Santa on the List of Jericho.
Mick Foley comes out and reminds Jeri-KO that heel Roman and heel Seth put them through the announce tables.
Kevin and Chris make fun of Mick Foley's terrible outfit.
Mick says that there's gonna be a tag team match later tonight, and at the Royal Rumble, an Owens vs Reigns rematch, with Jericho suspended in a Shark Cage.
They bring the shark cage down.
Chris Jericho says that it looks unsafe, he somehow gets in the cage, Foley locks him in, saying that he has the key in his fannypack.
Oh, did I not mention? Foley is wearing a fannypack.
He doesn't have the key in it.
The cage is raised, accidentally (?)
This whole segment was so nutso terrible, I'm pretty sure I must have dreamed it.
While on LSD.
I guess, they're going to find the key and get Jericho out of the cage before the next segment, but maybe not?
Commercial.
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Jericho has Elevation Sickness.
Because the cage was so high.
Get it?
They're giving him oxygen.
Jericho is hyperventilating.
Kevin Owens tells him to get over it because they have a match later.
Against Heel Roman and Heel Seth.
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BIG CASS vs RUSEV
This goes pretty much exactly like their match on the pre-show last night, with Big Cass beating the F*CK out of Rusev.
So much so that the ref calls for the bell.
Well, that was pointless.
WINNER: Rusev by DQ.
So yeah.
If you're scoring at home, Rusev's wife was the victim of verbal sexual assault, multiple times, Rusev stood up for her (perhaps too zealously), and the assaulter's best friend becomes unhinged and tries to put Rusev in the hospital.
Is Rusev the one true babyface on Raw, or am I still under the influence of that LSD?
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SASHA BANKS COMMENTS ON LAST NIGHT'S LOSS
She comes down to the ring with a brace on her knee, using the aid of a crutch.
She says she left it all in the ring, but to tap out not once but twice, "not only almost broke my leg, it broke my heart."
She says that last night, the better woman won. She says she calls herself the boss, but she doesn't feel like the boss right now.
She asks Charlotte to come to the ring so she can congratulate her, pay her the proper respect.
There is a pause, but it's not Charlotte's music that hits.
It's NIA JAX's.
She gets in the ring, sizing up the hobbled Sasha Banks.
She says she doesn't know where Charlotte is, and she doesn't care.
Sasha's not the boss, she's a little girl, says Nia.
She kicks her crutch out from under her, tosses her across the ring, threatens to beat her with the crutch, then decides it's not worth it.
She backs up the ramp, staring daggers at Sasha.
Oooooooooooooookaaaaaaaaaaaay.
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Sheamus and Cesaro Backstage With Foley.
Foley takes credit for them becoming tag champs.
He says he's giving them an early Christmas present.
New Tag Team Title Belts.
Ugh.
Sheamus takes both belts and refuses to give one to Cesaro.
This again.
Foley gets called out of the office, because there is a disturbance in the hallway.
Braun Strowman Throwing Everyone and Everything Around The Hallway.
Strowman says he wants Sami Zayn.
"Give me Sami Zayn or else!"
Foley says he convinced Sami to leave a couple hours ago.
Braun says Foley chose "Or Else."
Oh God. Someone is going to spend Christmas in the hospital.
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CEDRIC ALEXANDER vs NOAM DAR
Braun's interrupting this match and putting both these dudes in traction, isn't he?
It would be better for Cedric than being in this feud over the affections of Alicia Fox.
Cedric lays into Noam for a while, knocks him to the outside.
COMMERCIAL
Cedric plays his greatest hits, nails the Lumbar Check for the 1-2-3.
WINNER: Cedric Alexander
After the match, Noam gets on the mic and gives a promo in his unintelligible Scottish brogue, about how all he wants for Christmas is Alicia Fox.
Well, actually he pronounces it "Alicia Fooooooooooooooooooooooox."
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THE NEW DAY PROMO ABOUT LOSING THEIR TITLES
They say that Ric Flair couldn't have become a 16 time champion without losing 15 times.
"And that will be Charlotte in a month"--Big E with the line of the night.
They'll just have to get their tag belts back.
Sheamus and Cesaro come out, bickering like ususal.
The New Day are upset that the new champs got new belts, but if they had to lose, they're happy to lose to Cesaro.
Not to Sheamus, though.
The new tag champs continue to bicker.
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?
Sheamus says he is going to break the New Day's record.
The New Day come back at them, running down all the stuff they did as a team.
Just as they get to the "New Day Rocks" part of the promo, Gallows & Anderson comes out.
They say that if it wasn't for all the beatings they administered to the "Nerd Day", softening them up, Sheasaro wouldn't have become champs.
THE MOTHERF*CKING SHINING STARS COME OUT.
God, this LSD is turning bad at this point.
Cesaro tears up their Time Share Brochure, and a brawl starts.
COMMERCIAL
Oh good, an entirely pointless 8 Man Tag Match.
NEW DAY and SHEASARO vs G & A and THE SHINING STARS
Be honest, you don't care about this, either.
It's mostly Kofi in peril and Gallows beating on him, in case you're a masochist or something.
JESUS ANOTHER COMMERCIAL
God, please let it end.
What have I done to displease you, oh Lord?
I guess the Big E hot tag is pretty fire.
Oh no, Sheamus tagged himself in.
That just doused the flames.
THIS MATCH IS STILL GOING FOR SOME REASON.
Cesaro takes Epico for a Big Swing, then puts him in the Sharpshooter.
WINNERS: All of us, because the match is over.
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ENZO GETS A LETTER IN THE LOCKER ROOM
After exposing himself in the workplace (remember the naked scene from a couple weeks ago?), he must attend mandatory sensitivity training tonight.
I'll bet the instructor is Rusev.
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EVIL NEVILLE IN-RING SEGMENT
He's Evil Neville.
He's Nevil.
He says he destroyed Swann and Perkins and you people cheered me.
That's rich, he says, since you usually only cheer for me when you think I'm small and vulnerable.
Neville says he's going to obliterate the division.
Rich Swann comes out, Neville yells at him to be more respectful of the "King of the Cruiserweights."
Swann says as long as he's champ, Neville can't handle this.
Kendrick comes out, says he and Neville are a lot alike, and respect each other.
Neville says Kendrick is right, and at least earned his opportunities.
Neville and Kendrick beat up Swann.
TJ Perkins tries to make the save, gets beat down too.
Neville leaves, and Kendrick hits Sliced Bread on Perkins.
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SENSITIVITY TRAINING SKIT, Part 1
Bo Dallas, Jinder Mahal and Darren Young w/ Bob Backlund are there as well.
WHAT THE HELL HAS BEEN HAPPENING ON SUPERSTARS SINCE I STOPPED COVERING IT?
Is it just all naked orgies or something?
Anyway.
Enzo is at his most insufferable here, and he appears to be realizing the error of his ways.
He seems to be thinking "How did I wind up here?"
Like that one time Bart Simpson switched schools and got put in the remedial class with the kid who was like "I start fires!"
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SIN CARA vs TITUS O'NEIL
Just kidding, Braun Strowman comes to the ring, and RUINS THE LIVES OF BOTH MEN.
He throws Titus O'Neil around like he's nothing.
He carries Sin Cara up the ramp, is going to exit with him.
Mick Foley comes out from gorilla, Strowman says "I TOLD YOU OR ELSE!"
Strowman tosses Sin Cara off the stage into the Christmas Decorations.
He then stomps around like the Abominable Snowman, destroying presents and --
OH MY GOD.
THE ABOMINABLE STROWMAN.
HIS NEW GIMMICK.
The merch alone will make them millions.
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KEVIN OWENS GIVING JERICHO A LOCKER ROOM PEP TALK
Jericho says he has "arachnophobia" and that's why he got so freaked out by the shark cage stunt from before.
Kevin Owens corrects him, fear of spiders is arachnophobia, Jericho has Acrophobia, fear of heights.
Jericho says he's got both, he hates spiders too.
But Owens gets him to calm down and eventually they both do the "It!" thing together.
It warms my heart.
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CHARLOTTE IN RING SEGMENT
She heels it up a bunch, saying that every month the fans subscribe to the network expecting her to lose on PPV and every month she disappoints them
No one is on her level, she says. The best superstar the WWE has ever seen.
Bayley's music hits!
She comes down to the ring. She says she's here to congratulate her.
She says that Sasha vs Charlotte is going to go down in history as the greatest women's rivalry in WWE history.
But now that it's over, it's time for the Charlotte-Bayley rivalry to begin.
Charlotte says Bayley's not good enough to be considered a true member of the 4 Horsewomen.
Bayley says if Charlotte is so sure, how about Bayley proves how good she is right now.
In a shocking twist, Charlotte accepts the challenge.
Solid burn, champ.
COMMERCIAL
CHARLOTTE vs BAYLEY
Bayley dominates much of the early going, by which I mean ALL of the early going.
Like six minutes straight, until the inevitable
COMMERCIAL
Back from the break, and Charlotte is in control now, having nailed Bayley with a Big Boot on the outside.
There is much headlocking.
A double clothesline spot begins Bayley's comeback, and when Bayley gets up on the second rope for her flying back elbow, Charlotte knocks her down and slams her face into the bottom turnbuckle, then nails her moonsault for a two count.
Bayley struggles back to her feet, ducks a woo chop, and backslides her (badly) for the 1-2-3.
WINNER: Bayley
Corey Graves makes a big deal of the fact that Charlotte probably had one shoulder up before the ref counted three.
He is right, but who cares?
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MORE SENSITIVITY TRAINING
They do a role reversal thing, where Darren Young pretends to be Bob Backlund and Bob Backlund pretends to be Bob Backlund.
Bo Dallas is still adorable and I want him to have all the titles.
Enzo Amore and Jinder Mahal do the role reversal thing and Enzo is just basically a dick to Jinder. Jinder then accurately diagnoses Enzo.
Enzo asks the attractive female instructor if it would be sensitive for him to smack Jinder in the mouth.
She says No it would not, and he says "Then I won't do it. See, I told you learned something!"
Everyone gets a certification and leaves, except for Enzo, who just hits on the instructor.
Rusev shows up, Enzo tries to leave and Jinder Mahal is blocking the doorway.
They beat the crap out of him, Rusev repeating YOU DIDN'T LEARN YOUR LESSON, which is objectively true.
Enzo did not learn his lesson.
Rusev holds Enzo up in a half nelson, Lana comes in, slaps him, Rusev puts Enzo through the refreshments table.
Where is Cass?
Did he go shoot pool at that Ohio State bar that he name dropped to get a cheap pop earlier?
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HEEL ROMAN & HEEL SETH vs JERI-KO
Come on, Kevin and Chris, make this fun for me.
They take control immediately, taking turns kicking Seth Rollins while he's down.
Rollins gains the advantage and Jericho gets beatdown for a while, before tagging in Owens, who is made to look like he's terrified of Roman Reigns.
Owens comes back with a knee to the gut, then tags in Jericho, who gets beat down.
Jericho winds up in the corner, Reigns about to whip Rollins into the corner, and Owens pulls Jericho out of the ring.
They start to leave up the ramp, are brought back by the heels and beatdown a bit before the inevitable
COMMERCIAL.
After the break, it's just Roman Reigns beating up Kevin Owens.
I watched that last night.
Hated it then.
Hate it now.
Owens catches Roman with a kick, gets a two count.
He stomps on Roman for a while, tags Jericho in and waves to the camera.
Kevin and Chris trying to keep Roman down, but he got that Health Regeneration buff fully powered up.
Rollins gets the hot tag, and it is very hot, and the children in attendance love it.
I know, because the director insists on showing me their reaction shots.
Rollins hits a suicide dive on both men,
then as he's trying to get back in the ring, Owens grabs Seth's foot, and Roman comes out of nowhere with a Superman Punch.
He breaks up a Walls of Jericho with a Superman punch too.
Just when it looks like Seth and Roman are guaranteed to win, BRAUN STROWMAN SHOWS UP AND WRECKS ROMAN ON THE OUTSIDE,
THEN SETH ON THE INSIDE,
THEN JERI-KO THROW ROMAN TO THE GRIZZLY BEAR AND ROMAN GETS DESTROYED LIKE THE EVIL HEEL THAT HE IS.
This is literally the greatest thing to have ever happened.
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