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Monday Night RAW.
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Let's see what's happening tonight, according to the official preview on WWE.com:
Sasha Banks challenges Charlotte one-on-one
Honestly, this could wind up being entirely pointless, with a double count-out or a Dana Brooke induced DQ finish, but you never know, they did surprise us all and have Sasha win the title on Raw back in July and-- You're right, it's going to be entirely pointless.
Will Seth Rollins continue to defy Raw General Manager Mick Foley?
I mean, probably, right? They've been beating this dead horse for weeks. Why stop now?
Cesaro & Sheamus continue their tag team quest
They're just gonna have these two beat up a different set of jobbers every week while engaging in a dick-measuring contest, leading up to them taking on The New Day at Hell in a Cell, aren't they? In which case, you have to ask yourself, does any of this matter? Does LIFE even matter?
Can Brian Kendrick put himself in line for another WWE Cruiserweight Championship Match?
Funny story: Last week, The 'E was touting this match as a Championship match, then they abruptly changed it to a non-title match over the weekend. Which definitely means that Brian Kendrick is winning, which means the outcome isn't in doubt. Hooray.
Will Ashton Kutcher and Danny Masterson top “The List of Jericho”?
OH MY GOD WHO CARES.
This lady is me every Monday an hour before Raw comes on.
Oh God, It's Happening.
It's Really Happening.
No use in delaying the inevitable, I suppose.
They're starting off the show with Roman Reigns coming down the ramp to deafening boos and getting in the middle of the ring with a microphone, because they hate us.
Thankfully, he's interrupted by Lana.
Lana says she's out here to negotiate on Rusev's behalf. Rusev wants another rematch.
Roman Reigns lobs a few sexist insults, Lana says she and Rusev are family, he says, basically, "Shut up, little girl. Go get your husband so the men can settle things like men."
Lana gets emotional, Roman laughs at her. He really is a horrible person.
Lana tells him to go to hell.
Rusev's music hits, he comes down and they brawl. The fight ends with Rusev kicking Roman over the barricade and into the crowd.
Rusev takes the US Title and walks up the ramp, pausing on the stage to raise his arms in victory.
Reigns comes from out of nowhere and Superman Punches Rusev.
Reigns says you can have your rematch, but it's going to have to be in Hell in a Cell.
Someone please explain to me how it is possible to root for Roman Reigns at this point. Seriously. I want to know.
They run a pretty great video package about TJ Perkins and Brian Kendrick, and their match is next.
This match is non-title, so it really doesn't mean anything.
And since it's non-title, Kendrick is definitely going to win, so the outcome isn't in doubt.
So if you'd rather watch something meaningful, here's a YouTube video of people being attacked by geese:
TJ Perkins vs Brian Kendrick
They're pushing a new nickname for TJP: "The Fil-Am Flash" or is that "The Phil-Am Flash"?
Because his problem is that he doesn't have a nickname.
Perkins gets most of the offense in initially, but then gets caught with a big boot by Kendrick.
Kendrick, who is brilliant at finding new ways to heel, traps TJP's fingers in the turnbuckle, and stands on his wrist.
That sh*t looks painful, yo.
Back from the break, and TJP hits a top rope Frankensteiner out of the corner, then a running hurricanrana, then he locks in the kneebar for a hot second until Kendrick gets to the bottom rope.
The Staples Center crowd is into this match, which is good, but I can't tell if it's because TJP is an LA kid.
Kendrick is able to hit Sliced Bread, then locks in the Captain's Hook. TJP is able to wriggle out, but pretty soon he finds himself right back in the submission hold, after getting his eyes raked, and this time he has to tap out.
WINNER: Brian Kendrick.
Told you so.