Welcome to the weekly Superstars Round-Up, where I watch Superstars so you don't have to.
- Alicia Fox jobbed to Summer Rae in a preview of Superstars Women's Matches for the next year.
- The Dudleyz had their last match ever against the Usos, and it made me sad.
Also check out this week's Main Event Recap, where The Hype Bros make their debut and Tyler Breeze sells a superkick like he was hit in the head with a balpeen hammer.
It's a New Era for Superstars too, with a brand new opening, seen below in gif form:
Compare that with the video at the very top of the page and you'll see the differences. Everyone recently drafted to Raw gets a little screen time here, with a few acts getting featured prominently multiple times. I really love the shot near the beginning of Sasha and Enzo & Cass. It's the dawn of a new day, indeed.
We also get a new announce team:
Thank god for Corey Graves. He's the only one who's figured out how to keep the awful Tom Phillips from ruining a commentary desk, and I like the way he belittles him.
It makes me smile.
This week on Superstars:
Sin Cara vs Bo Dallas
Jack Swagger & Titus O'Neil vs The Dudley Boyz
On second thought, maybe it's not such a new era after all.
Back to the Drawing Bo.
Welp, so much for my fantasy booking of Bo & Curtis Axel following Chris Jericho around begging him to be their new leader since Heath wasn't drafted.
Nope, they're giving Axel a "Mr. Irrelevant" gimmick and dropping Bo right back to where he was, pre-Social Outcasts. Which, of course, is nowhere. He comes out, says Bo-Lieve, is angry when people don't, and then loses to some guy in 5 minutes. Can't we do something better with the guy who ran the show in NXT for like a year? No? Okay then.
This solo Bo-Train, which happens at the very beginning of the match, is pretty sad, actually.
I can't stress this enough, this occurs before a single punch is thrown, before they even touch each other.
It's like he can't start a match without his buddies around. He's still even wearing his Social Outcasts singlet.
It's a goddamn cry for help.
And Bo Dallas is a fragile creature. This is what he looked like when Curtis Axel had to tap out to Cesaro's Sharpshooter a couple weeks ago.
Thank God Heath Slater showed up at Saturday's house show to cheer Bo up.
— WWE (@WWE) July 30, 2016
I was getting worried about the poor guy.
Anyway, this terrible Superstars match. I almost was successful in forgetting.
Bo does his burst of rage thing, which honestly looks pretty cool.
You're telling me we couldn't do something better with this gimmick?
Like have him do the Bo-Lieve thing, and have no one respond, and have him get angry, but instead of having him lose, here's an idea, have him WIN. Or have him snap and beat guys down after he loses. Something like that.
Or here: He's a motivational speaker, kind of, right? Have him come out and promo his opponent: "I'm here to help you. You're terrible, but you could be so much better. Let me motivate you." Something like that. Then give him a sleeper hold kind of finisher, Cobra Clutch, Rear Naked, whatever. And when he puts it on a guy, he's motivating them, "Come on, fight through it. Don't give up. Don't you dare give up. You're better than this. DON'T GIVE UP!" and his opponent always passes out in the hold. And then Bo goes and gets a mic, and says to his passed out opponent: "I'm disappointed in you."
Okay, it's not great. But it's better than what they are doing.
Which, again, is nothing.
He's losing to Sin Cara for God's sake. You know the worst thing about Sin Cara?
He somehow finds a way to make this stuff seem unimpressive.
He wins, again, in 5 minutes, with his Swanton Bomb thing. Hooray for the New Era of Superstars.
WINNER: Sin Cara via Pinfall.
Jack Swagger is a Tag Team Slut.Last week on Main Event, Jack Swagger teamed with Mark Henry. The announce team put them over as new tag partners.
They even had color-coordinated ring gear.
This week, it seems Swagger has dumped The World's Strongest Man for Titus O'Neil.
Well, at least he's got a type. But I find this kind of partner hopping to be unconscionable. And what's worse, the announce team puts these two over as an official tag team, in the tag division on Raw and everything. Mark Henry's probably watching this on his couch at home through tears, eating a whole bucket of Rocky Road by himself.
Well, I mean, it's Mark Henry, so that last part with the ice cream is definitely happening, regardless of how he feels about Swagger's betrayal.
Also, I guess we need to find a new name for this new Tag Team. I'd like to call them Swagger O'Neil, even if that sounds like the name of an irrascible old Dublin barkeep.
Pictured: Swagger O'Neil
The match is all right, considering nothing happens during it. Jack Swagger is the face in peril for like 80% of it, with Bubba Ray Dudley keeping his streak alive of making dull tag matches interesting. At one point, he places his hand over Swagger's heart and shouts "WE! THE DUDLEYS!"
Bubba Ray Dudley's level of heeling is just off the charts lately, and it never fails to make me smile. At another point he says to Swagger, "You ain't the first All American I've disgraced, and you won't be the last," or something to that effect, and it conjures up images of Bubba Ray Dudley showing up to college football practices all over America and picking fights with the best guy on the team. Then, of course, disgracing them.
Because it's a Superstars episode, Swagger eventually makes the tag to Titus so the babyfaces can win.
Hey remember last summer when the Primetime Players were a thing, and Titus had the best hot tag in the company?
The finish is kind of sloppy. It looks like Titus thinks Bubba is the legal man, and is about to give him the Clash of the Titus, but changes his mind at the last minute and just dumps Bubba over the ropes. D-Von is Clashed instead, and the good guys get the 1-2-3.
WINNER: Swagger O'Neil via Pinfall.
Hot Tag Titus has returned, and I really love Heel Bubba. But what they're doing with Bo Dallas makes me depressed. I need a damn Zoloft.
4.5 out of 10.
Until next time, I've been Alex Pawlowski,
and this is me thinking about how sad Bo Dallas must be
without his best friends.
You can follow me on Twitter @pawlowskithe4th.