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MONDAY NIGHT RAW
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THERE F*CKING BETTER BE.
HERE WE GO, Y'ALL.
In-Ring Segment with The Gold-Father.
The Goldberg chants are deafening as he makes his way through the backstage area.
His jacket looks remarkably light, like something you'd wear on a late summer evening out.
So that's something new.
Goldberg starts by thanking the crowd for giving him the ability to be Goldberg again.
He thanks his wife and his (surprisingly not currently shirtless) son.
He says he did what he said he was going to do, and that's conquer the beast.
But he says all good things must come to an end.
"No" chants from the crowd.
But he says he ran into Stephanie McMahon and she told him he did have another spear, another Jackhammer, another ass kicking left him in.
And she also asked him if he had one more title run left in him?
He says "you beat your ass."
Says Steph told him that the road to that Title Match is through the Royal Rumble.
Says "At the Royal Rumble Match, EVERYONE is NEXT!"
Okay, even I thought that was pretty cool.
But don't give up hope haters, there's still tons of time left for them to screw this up.
The New Day vs Shea-saro
Tag Championship Match
The New Day come out and put over Demolition's record Tag Team reign, and how in 23 days they will surpass it.
They're being characteristically cocky about everything, but it seems like the WWE might really pull the trigger tonight and take the strap off them.
This one starts out hot, with Big E and Cesaro first. Cesaro caught Big E in a crossbody and turned it into a powerslam.
A few tags in and out later, Kofi reverses a monkeyflip and lands on his feet, then Cesaro does the same on a Kofi monkey-flip attempt.
On the outside, Sheamus throws Kofi forehead first into the ringpost.
Back from the break and Sheamus is attempting a double-axe-handle from the top rope but Kofi nails him in the teeth with a dropkick.
Sheamus hits the Irish Curse backbreaker, then a strong right hand.
Kofi ducks a charging Sheamus, who blasts Cesaro off the apron.
Kofi tags Big E, who hits three consecutive Belly to Bellies.
Kofi hits a cross body off the ringsteps to Cesaro on the outside.
Big E hits a Big Splash for 2, then Sheamus nails White Noise.
Kofi and Cesaro in, Kofi goes for a top rope crossbody, caught by Cesaro into a tiltawhirl backbreaker.
Kofi hits an SOS.
Kofi goes for Trouble in Paradise, caught by Cesaro. BIG SWING.
Like for thirty seconds.
Cesaro steps through into a Sharpshooter.
Sheamus nails Big E on the outside.
Sharpshooter in the middle of the ring now.
Xavier Woods up on the apron, playing a trombone, ref distracted.
Kofi taps, ref doesn't see it.
Cesaro releases the hold to get the ref to do his damn job, and Kofi rolls up Cesaro.
WINNERS: Cheating-ass New Day.
Backstage interview with Chris Jericho
He says that Team Raw lost because someone destroyed The List, and tonight, on the Highlight Reel, he'll tell the world who's to blame.
Jeri-KO is going the way of Brangelina and I am heartbroken.
If these two kids can't make it, what hope is there for the rest of us?
Enzo is Naked Backstage for Some Reason.
I guess the story is that Cass locked him out of the locker room?
And he didn't have a towel in the shower?
Yeah, he's blurred out, too. Thankfully,
Anyway he runs into The Shining Stars. Titus O'Neil and Lana.
Obligatory "How You Doin'?"
Rusev comes in and says how dare you be naked in front of my wife.
He challenges Enzo to a match later tonight.
Backstage Segment with Steph and Mick Foley
They kiss each other's ass, she admits she was never going to fire Team Raw for losing at Survivor Series, and she takes credit for Goldberg in the Rumble.
Sami Zayn comes in and Mick Foley says that even though Miz cheated, for losing the IC Title match, there have to be ramifications, and those ramifications are a match against Braun Strowman.
It's obvious that Steph is making him do this, because she hates Sami Zayn.
Cedric Alexander vs Ariya Daivari
Oh good, another Cruiserweight match with rest holds.
Only thing of note is Alexander going for a springboard back the inside, and Daivari sweeps his legs, Cedric hits the top rope on the way down.
It looks vicious.
But it ultimately doesn't matter (much like this match) as three minutes later, Cedric hits a springboard clothesline, then the Lumbar Check and gets the win.
WINNER: Cedric Alexander
Cedric is by far the best Cruiserweight on the roster, but he should be sent back down.
He should be the next NXT Champion, then re-debut in a year and be pushed to the top.
HIGHLIGHT REEL WITH CHRIS JERICHO
He won't blame Owens, even though it's Owens' fault.
He'll blame Rollins for some reason, setting up their match at Roadblock.
Calling it now.
To the ring:
Jericho says he's going to perform an autopsy on the biggest upset in Survivor Series history.
He's going to say who's to blame.
Kevin Owens' music hits.
He comes down, says he knows who's to blame, and he's going to show everybody on the Jeri-tron 5000.
Jericho says it's the Jeri-tron 6500 now.
Owens apologizes, asks the monkeys in the truck to show the pictures.
He shows AJ Styles about to hit Jericho with the Styles Clash, then shows himself hitting Styles with the List.
Jericho says that the list means everything to him and that Owens should know that if he was his best friend.
Owens and Jericho yelling at each other about not being friends anymore.
They said they both know who is really to blame for the loss and they're going to say it at the same time.
This is the greatest moment in the history of Raw.
They say that also Seth Rollins is as much to blame as Roman Reigns.
Seth's music hits and he comes to the ring; he demands a title match with Owens tonight.
He says he doesn't care if he has to go through both of them to do it.
He attacks them, and Roman comes out to save him (of course he does.)
Roman and Rollins get the upper hand because of course they do.
Mick Foley comes out.
He makes a match.
Seth vs Kevin for the Twizzler Title.
Both Jericho and Roman will be banned from ringside.
And it happens TONIGHT.
Should be fun.
RUSEV vs ENZO AMORE
Lana does her intro thing, calling Canada "America."
Keep up your trolling, girl. You good at it.
Enzo comes out and he puts over Tim Horton's again.
Referencing the earlier nude segment, he says if Lana wanted to see him naked, all she had to do was hack his phone like all the other people in Russia.
Anyway, the match is over faster than I was able to google "rimshot gif."
Rusev hits Enzo with a huge kick to the side of the head, then puts him in the Accolade.
GOLDEN TRUTH vs GALLOWS & ANDERSON
Winner Faces New Day For TItles Next Week
R-Truth gets in too much offense.
By which I mean, "Any."
Goldust gets the hot tag and does his hot tag stuff.
The crowd does the Tye Dillinger "Ten Chant" for punches in the turnbuckle.
(They should really debut him tonight.)
Goldust's really still got it for a guy his age.
But all he gets for all of his youthful exuberance is a Magic Killer.
WINNERS: G & A
BRAUN STROWMAN vs SAMI ZAYN
On his way down to the ring, Sami Zayn is STEAMROLLED from behind by Braun.
He tosses Sami around a bit.
They get him to stop long enough to ring the bell and stop the match, and from then on, it's just a giant man running at full speed into a much smaller man.
Finally Sami gets a boot up in the corner, nails Strowman, mounts a comeback, gets swatted back down to the mat.
The ref has to back Strowman off to check on Sami for a sec.
Strowman picks up Sami, short arm clothesline, does it again, hammering blow to the chest, picks him up again, knees to the midsection, crossface blows to kneeling Sami.
Sami is out, but they're not stopping the match.
Braun drags him over to the corner, tree of woe, Braun backs away slowly.
Mick Foley comes out to the top of the ramp, calls for the bell, somberly.
"He can't defend himself."
WINNER: Braun Strowman
That was one of the most one sided beatdowns I've seen since the Main Event last night.
CHARLOTTE IN-RING SEGMENT
Charlotte says she's better than Wayne Gretzky.
She says she no longer has to team with the other Raw peasants.
Sasha's music hits.
She says it was all about Team Raw last night, but tonight she wants her rematch from Hell in a Cell.
Charlotte teases the crowd that she might accept the challenge and then of course she doesn't.
She points out that Raw is in Charlotte next week and she can't wait to beat The Boss in her hometown.
Nia Jax's music hits. "Last night, I dominated Smackdown Live, but you didn't."
"You're an overrated, purple headed barbie doll."
Sasha gets in Nia's face, Charlotte eggs Nia on, Dana too, Dana gets a forearm to the face from Sasha for her troubles.
Nia starts beating down Sasha, Charlotte joins in, Bayley runs down to help.
Both Sasha and Bayley end up on the outside, Nia and Charlotte standing tall.
CHARLOTTE & NIA JAX vs BAYLEY & SASHA BANKS
Match was made during the break.
Bayley plays face in peril. Nia runs through people. Charlotte talks a big game. Dana gets involved on the outside.
Bayley hits a modified monkey flip, makes the hot tag to Sasha, who works Charlotte with her greatest hits.
She makes a cover off of double knees in the corner, Nia breaks it up.
She is about to double chokeslam Sasha and Bayley, then they break the hold, DOUBLE SUPLEX NIA JAX.
Sasha gets Charlotte in the Banks Statement.
"MY GOD, SASHA BANKS JUST TAPPED OUT THE CHAMPION!" -- Michael Cole
You'd think he wouldn't be so surprised anymore.
WINNERS: Sasha & Bayley
TJ PERKINS vs NOAM DAR vs RICH SWANN
Winner Faces Kendrick For CW Title Next Week
Kendrick is on commentary.
Great Cruiserweight Action.
No one cares.
I mean, I care, but I'm in the minority.
Lots of flips and fun stuff, but Toronto doesn't give single shit.
I assume you don't either.
I'm going to sit back and enjoy this match, and I'll let you know the winner.
Not that you'll care about that, either.
Hot Damn, that was awesome.
If you'd just give this little guys a chance, they're great.
But you don't care.
Rich Swann wins with the spinning heel kick to Perkins.
WINNER: Rich Swann
Backstage Interview with Kevin Owens
It's great. He's great.
He calls Seth Rollins a failure, since he got pinned at SS.
Only at the end of the interview does he realize that Charly Caruso is not Renee.
"You're not Renee, who are you? ... Get away from me, stranger."
SETH ROLLINS vs KEVIN OWENS
No DQ Match For The Universal Title
Starts out with Seth getting the advantage, pulling a table out from under the ring, sliding it into the ring.
Kevin gets the advantage, slides it back out of the ring.
I hope it's just fifteen more minutes of this.
Back from the break and there are two chairs in the ring, one of which Seth has just been DDT'd onto.
There's a lot of Ten Chants. They love Tye Dillinger.
Or the sound of their own chants.
Owens going to work on Seth with chairshots, until Seth sends Owens over the top rope.
SUICIDE DIVE BY ROLLINS.
Back in the ring, Rollins FLATLINERS OWENS ONTO A SET-UP FOLDING CHAIR.
f*cking COMMERCIAL jesus christ
couldn't you have worked these ads in earlier
like during that useless Enzo Amore nude scene?
Back from the break and apparently during the commercial, Seth hit a Blockbuster on Owens, and Owens put Seth through a damn table because those are spots we didn't want to see Live.
Rollins misses a Frog Splash, Owens sets up Rollins in the turnbuckle with a chair in his lap, CANNONBALL.
Owens sets up two chairs facing each other in the middle of the ring, attempts to powerbomb Rollins, gets back body-dropped onto them instead.
Rollins brings another table into the ring, sets it up against the turnbuckle.
Owens gets kicked in the face, Rollins goes up top and gets crotched, Owens goes up with him, attempts the superplex, Rollins slips out, RUNNING BUCKLE BOMB THROUGH A TABLE.
Owens rolls to the outside, Rollins clotheslines him over the barricade, chases him down through the crowd.
Rollins reverses an irish whip into some sound equipment.
Owens attempts to powerbomb Rollins, but he grabs the stands and climbs up, CROSSBODY FROM THE TENTH ROW.
Owens stumbling back toward the ring, Rollins giving chase.
Back over the barricade. Now at ringside.
A fan in a Sin Cara mask attacks Rollins while Rollins is still in the crowd area, the mask is pulled off, and it's Jericho.
Jericho takes a Pedigree on the floor for his troubles.
Owens Apron Powerbombs Rollins, rolls him into the ring.
Owens pins Seth.
WINNER: Kevin Owens
For all of you who were certain that HHH was gonna show up, they've been trolling you all weekend, why did you think they were going to stop now?